There’s something quite ethereal about being in love in private. At the beginning of my relationship, I wanted the whole world to know. I wanted to post cute photos of us, only for the purpose of receiving comments of approvals from my peers:
#Goals
You guys are so cute!
OMG I love you guys
I’ve come to realize that none of that matters. The empty views and likes can never do justice to the sweet and intimate moments we share, all of which seem too good for anyone else to witness. I was so obsessed with this idea of him posting me on his Instagram, professing his love for me for all the world to see, because then it would be real. Any activity we engaged in had to be captured through various photos and images so the world could see that we were a fun couple who did fun things and had the most amazing love ever.
Barf.
Does my love still exist even if no one is there to see it? Yes. In my case, it exists even more so. It blooms quietly as we adorn each other with love in the privacy of my home. It grows fervently with every moment of laughter we share, forming jokes that deepen our bond. It breathes life into me every time he lies next to me, his fair skin illuminating in the sun as I wonder how I can love someone more and more each day. There are times when I’ll record a moment we’re having, or I’ll take a photo at the perfect flash of his laughing, his profound dimples making my heart skip a beat. When I try to post it, I am only faced with the startling awareness of how little satisfaction I feel in letting the world in on that moment.
My original desire to be plastered all over his social media came from feeling insecure. I had never been in a relationship where the person proudly claimed me, so I needed for that ownership to be openly known. I added unnecessary stress to my relationship and my partner by trying to turn him into something he wasn’t for a platform he didn’t really believe in. I wanted him to be like every other boyfriend who’d publicly speak highly of their girlfriend’s and share how beautiful and perfect said girl is. While I chastised him for not being that kind of person, I wasn’t paying attention to the way he felt comfortable showing me love. Pay attention to your partner’s love language. I would notice the way he cleaned my room for me after a weekend together, but I wanted to post about it. I appreciated him accompanying me to things he had no interest in, but it didn’t mean anything until I posted about it.
I was, literally, depreciating my relationship unless the world gave it value.
I’m not sure when I started caring less and less about sharing facets of our relationship, but I’m glad I did. No relationship is perfect, and we aren’t exempt from that, but there is such a freedom in not being tasked with gaining others’ approval. They don’t matter. And “they” can be something or someone different for us all, but no matter what, they don’t matter.
It is him who plants kisses all over my face. It is him who stays up with me until we sort out our disagreements. It is him who has been patient and understanding as I grow into myself. It is our moments that carry me through, and I don’t think any of that is for anyone else to experience.
The Shameless Wanderer 