theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

Here Is Why It Is So Hard To Be Single

Single Gal Starting Over

I am a very independent person. I can also be introverted and stubborn and opinionated. I like these things about me. I think it is what folds into making me unique. I realize that those things do not necessarily make it easy to be around me, but that is not why I am single. It is also not why it is hard for me to be single.

I don’t struggle with the loneliness, the empty bed, the lack of physical intimacy or confidant. I do just fine cooking and paying for my own meals, and treating myself to something special every once in a while. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I would rather be alone than be with someone that I know for a fact isn’t right.

It is hard to be single because I want so much to have someone to love, and someone that loves…

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My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

7:55

On the outside, I’m functioning. I walk, talk, breathe and speak like the rest of the people in this world, but on the inside, I’m curled up in a dark corner. I haven’t moved an inch from my rusting, dingy post since last fall, and every time I think I might’ve slayed the dragon within, it finds a way to pull me back in. It speaks to me in a low, coarse tone, expanding the shrill fear that is embedded in my blood. It furthers my sick belief in the validity of my insecurities, and then, I am stuck. I am left rocking back and forth in the corner of my mind while I smile and wave politely at the onlookers from here to those beyond. But on the inside, I’m drowning and sinking in an ocean of doubt and self-hatred, and it feels so…good here. I’ve cried sordid tears of blood for years, and over time, those tears have formed a batch of their own, forging the self-destruction that was created at the hand of my own knife. So really, this is all I know. I might even call it home. I often wonder what life was like before I allowed my brain and my innocence to crumble under the tyranny of my weaknesses. When did I stop fighting the good fight, only to go to war against myself? I’ve called to the gods of the world begging for a life other than mine. Perhaps a bird who is unrestricted by all other than the limits of the sky. Or maybe, a shoe, or a pair of eyes to see the beauty in all things dreary, ears to hear the music in all that has been silenced. If just for a moment, I could not be me, perhaps I’d understand how I allowed the demise of my soul. Everywhere you look, there are magical words of wisdom and encouragement that are supposed to raise you up from the ashes of a hypothetical death, make you shiny and pretty, and then send you off into the world to be brand new. A “new you!” they say. What they fail to understand is that when you’ve squelched your own light by choking it with the darkness residing within, there aren’t any amount of adjectives and verbs that will make you love yourself. There isn’t a step-by-step guide on how to wake up every day and not want to die. Just once, I want to look at myself and be grateful for my existence. I want to relish the accolades that I’ve redeemed rather than be misunderstanding of how a person so emotionally and mentally distraught could be worthy of such things. Ah, and there it is. The truth has spilled out. I am completely unworthy and undeserving of life and breath, but for some reason, I am still here. There is a war going on at the top of my staircase, and a small child looks on with glassy, hopeless eyes. She gazes at the filth before her and understands that life will never be the same. And right in front of the gun-toting, blood-stained monster, she kills herself before it killed her. Knowing she’d never win was more than she could bear.

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

Hmm…

How do you all feel about church? Do you attend weekly, monthly, annually, or only on special holidays? Does going to church make you feel closer to God? Do you feel absolved of your sins when you go to church?

I’m Seventh-Day Adventist and on Saturdays, we celebrate (?), maybe partake (I’ve never quite known how to say that) in the Sabbath and we go to church. I’ve been SDA my whole life, I’ve been to a lot of churches, I’ve seen a lot of shit. So much so that at this point in my life, many years ago actually, I realized that church isn’t exactly at the top of my list of places I’d like to go. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate church. What I appreciate the most about church is that for many people, it serves as a safe haven. You come there, you feel welcomed, you feel accepted, and you feel whole. That’s not always the experience, but more often than not, that’s how it is and how it feels. You feel free to talk to God about everything, divulge the dirty details of your thoughts (even though He already knows them) and be completely honest about whatever it is you’re trying to hide deep down. I’ve come across some amazing people in church, and it’s cool, but…it’s just not my…thing? Here’s the problem though. I’ve grown up in this religion, I’ve been held to the standards that this religion projects, and it has kind of led me astray. Not even just mine, religion as a whole. For example, I don’t feel like going to church this morning. I go with my family every Saturday, but today, I just don’t want to go. Yet, I feel very guilty. I feel like I’m sinning and I know that in just a few moments, my mother is going to come in my room and lecture me about how I have time for everything else, but can’t give God a few hours of my time. And in a way, she’s right, but that’s not what it is. Some conservative Christians are under the impression that the only way you can find God and be with God is if you go to church. As if God only roams the halls of holy sanctities. Some forget that God lives and exists in all of us. He’s everywhere! I don’t think that sitting in a pew and listening to a “man of God” tell me how the end is near and that I need to solidify my relationship with Christ will actually bring me closer to Christ. I believe in defining moments. I believe that daily instances will show Gods face more than anything else. But yet, I still feel guilty. That, of course, has to do a lot with my upbringing, but I don’t know. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong, but am I? Is it possible to manage, or lead, a healthy life of spirituality and adhere to the ideals of your faith without going to church?

8:36

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There was once a time in my life
When I thought you were the one.
But I slowly began to realize
That I was coming undone.
Crumbling bit by narrowing bit..
Tumbling down your rabbit hole.
You made me weak.
You offered me a reality so shiny
That in turn became bleak..
So bleak, it shut me down
&I became silent&meek.
I shunned my own mind..
Feared my possibilities.
Simply because I thought that if
My light shined brighter than yours..
You’d leave me for an eternity
That I refused to withstand.
Why did you do this to me?
I offered you my spirit,
My whole heart&soul..
Thinking you would endear it.
Thinking you would cherish it..
Hold it tight&never let it go.
But you did.
I let you break it down
&throw it to the wind.
We watched in unison as it
Flew to the sky..up in the mighty
Clouds&ultimately disappeared into
The places of the universe that
We can never see…
&I stood there wondering what I
Could’ve ever done for you to
Want to ruin me.

Butterfly

The unpredictability of love is what scares me. You’re like a butterfly; fluttering and showcasing your beauty effortlessly while we all gaze in amazement, watching with awed expressions as you manage to escape us all, yet leave us all wondering how we can capture your essence. I mustn’t look for things my brain isn’t capable of handling, but I can’t help but wonder why you won’t come to me. In reality, you are the tainted, poisonous knife that has been thrusted into my side. You twist and then you turn, you flip and then you slide…deeper and deeper until I’m made aware of your inevitability of simply stay still. And then, you move along…you move along with time and everything else is left behind. So, allow me to do the honors before the pain you caused does. Allow me to release the demons that I leave behind closed doors. Because you push..&you push. You beg to awaken the creatures of pensive sadness within me, so if I must, I will oblige. Little butterfly, so beautiful and untouchable. I watch from afar imagining what it would be like, just for one second, to be your wind and your sky. Just for a moment, I imagine what it would be like to be enough for you…except the moment fades. You leave my shoulder and move on into the great wonders of our universe…leaving me watching, awed and flustered by my inability to move..on.

7:08

I kind of hope you disappoint me.
A part of me awaits the moment
You fall through,
Show your real face
&blow away with fall leaves
As I’m left to reassess what
This all means.
I believed in the possibility
Of my expectations..
All my pretty, glittered dreams.
But as time goes along,
There seems to be a hole
Punched in each one.
I’m left standing on my heels,
Holding onto the clouds
&the shit that lies within them..
Each second passing reminding me
Just how empty this all really is.

Letting Go

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There is no greater agony than being unable to escape something you so desperately want to separate yourself from. Perhaps there is, I know there is, but the feeling washing me over me refuses to acknowledge anything else. I want to leave, but you won’t let me out of your sight. At each and every turn, your chaos finds ways to override my silence, bringing forth mental screams of anger and deep, deep loathing. Please, go away. I no longer wish to support you and your words, your vicious ability to make me rue the day you were born. Something quite unlike me, I’m not hateful by any means. But somehow, you bring that out in me. Somehow, you make me wish I could disappear, leave you wondering where we went wrong. You are where we went wrong, and you alone. I’d love it if you allowed me to breathe the way I’d like. Inhaling with the sun, exhaling with the moon, no signs of you, no chances of your return. Instead, before my eyes even greet dawns presence, it is you who I see. Your hands wrapped tightly around my neck, taking any light and life away from me. Is that what you’d like? Would you just like the satisfaction of knowing you’ve won? If so, I’ll do you one better and submit my resignation. You win, I lose, just let me go..let me breathe. I no longer wish to be caged by your seemingly endless needs. Just…
Let me breathe.