theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Separation

Letting Go

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There is no greater agony than being unable to escape something you so desperately want to separate yourself from. Perhaps there is, I know there is, but the feeling washing me over me refuses to acknowledge anything else. I want to leave, but you won’t let me out of your sight. At each and every turn, your chaos finds ways to override my silence, bringing forth mental screams of anger and deep, deep loathing. Please, go away. I no longer wish to support you and your words, your vicious ability to make me rue the day you were born. Something quite unlike me, I’m not hateful by any means. But somehow, you bring that out in me. Somehow, you make me wish I could disappear, leave you wondering where we went wrong. You are where we went wrong, and you alone. I’d love it if you allowed me to breathe the way I’d like. Inhaling with the sun, exhaling with the moon, no signs of you, no chances of your return. Instead, before my eyes even greet dawns presence, it is you who I see. Your hands wrapped tightly around my neck, taking any light and life away from me. Is that what you’d like? Would you just like the satisfaction of knowing you’ve won? If so, I’ll do you one better and submit my resignation. You win, I lose, just let me go..let me breathe. I no longer wish to be caged by your seemingly endless needs. Just…
Let me breathe.

Red Moon

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I often wonder if our desires are foolish.

This game we continue to play of
Running back and forth between
Our hearts and the inevitable truth
Makes it almost unbearable to exist.
While I’m eager to quit
And resume the life
I lived before you..
A brush against your lips
Makes it easy to persist
This nocuous tryst
That has somehow begun to
Define me.

The mere hope of detaching myself
From this relentless grasp
Is futile.
And time seems to be…
Snickering.
It watches in amusement
At our attempts to move beyond it..
&Act as if we’re in control.
Act as if this lie is ours.

Long ago,
I came to terms with the idea that
This might be it.
What we’ve created might never
See the radiance of the sun..
It might never feel the wind blowing through,
Just the taunting breeze of a midnight sky.

But I think I’d put this dagger
Through my very own heart
If it meant spending one more second
In your reach.
I’d endure the torture of
The incapability of the seizing of
Your heart
day after day,
Living this lie
Hiding in the shade of your shame..
Just to breathe in the breaths
You release.

If only to feel the expansion of
My mind,
The deepening of my heart
Just at the thought of you placing your hand on me..

I think I’d willingly remain in this
Constant state of apprehension.

Gasping For Air

I still search for you in the darkness,
Only to realize that you’re no longer there.
I still hope that you’re within my reach,
But it’s quite apparent that you no longer care.
We’ve been nothing short of tumultuous,
Leaving behind a trail of slicing words, bruised emotions,
&irreparable damage.
Yet, I still search for you in the corners of my mind,
Hoping to find any indication that we might have a pulse..
I feel I might always be reliant towards you,
Waiting for you to catch me when I fall…
But I’ve opened my eyes, I’ve unblocked my mind..
I’ve let myself be free to believe
That you are no longer the person you once were.
Whatever we had, whatever was there…
Has undoubtedly been squandered by broken dreams..
We’ve stepped on the glass left behind, emitting nightmares
And sorrowful screams.
We’ve forgotten who we were and pass by slyly
On pins and needles…waiting for the other to crack.
But in the back of mind, something tells me to leave.
It tells me to retrieve my emotional belongings…
Place them somewhere else and simply move on.
Because to fully express myself towards you,
I’d like to say that anyone who makes me feel like a burden…
Will be rewarded with our flicker of light,
As dim as it may be,
Being diminished indefinitely
So that I might finally have the courage to breathe

Black&White

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“You’re draining me, Jack. I know you mean well, but you’re just..draining the hell out of me. It kills me to deal with your pressure, you know? I have to do things you want me to do, act the way you want me to act, say the things you want me to say. I stopped standing up for myself..&somewhere along the way, I lost myself. Now, I want to get to know me again. I love you and you know that I do, but I can’t do this with you anymore.”

“What are you talking about? Now I’m the bad guy because I see so much in you? I can see how great you’ll be. What’s wrong with that?”

“Honey, the problem lies in the invisible bar you place over my head. It keeps getting higher and higher, and each time it does, you expect me to jump up and just…reach for stars that aren’t even on my radar. They’re on yours.”

“I just want you to be happy, Em. I really didn’t know that was a crime.”

“It wouldn’t be a crime if that sentiment was genuine. You don’t want me to be happy the way you think you do. You want you to be happy. You’re not comfortable with who I am so you’re trying to mold me. You don’t love me, Jack and sometimes I wonder if you ever did.”

“You sound crazy right now. Why would you wait three years to say that?”

“Because I finally stopped caring about your opinion.”

“So where are you gonna go? You can’t just…you can’t just walk away like that. Just because I want what’s best for you? Just because I see your true potential and I’m trying to help you get there?”

“You’re not getting it! You’re not even trying to understand, that’s the worst part! Are you even listening to me? Jack, I am not your puppet. I don’t want to go to church every weekend because I’m not even sure I believe in God and you know that. I don’t want to hang out with your friends all the time having “intelligent” political discussions, I don’t even vote! I don’t want to abstain from sex but then talk about it with you ALL the time, I don’t want to be a vegetarian, I don’t want to be introduced as your future wife, it’s just..so much. It’s like you don’t even know me. I don’t want any of it! I’m not 12 Jack, I can watch TV past 10pm and the fact that you even do that is just…ridiculous! I can’t do this with you. I’ll just end up hating you. I tried, I really did, but you don’t understand me and you’re not even trying to. When we first met, you know..it was cool. You were this great guy who had his head on straight and I was a mess. I thought you would be good for me, but you’re not. You’re sucking out my soul. I don’t even paint anymore, Jack. Don’t you see how I’ve changed? Don’t you see what you’ve done to me? You want to turn me into this perfect Christian woman and that’s not who I am, okay? It just isn’t. If anything, you’ve pushed me further away from that life. I’m really sorry, Jack. I’m gonna stay with my mom for awhile. I’ll be back to get more of my things in a few days. Don’t call me, alright?”

“Wow. You seem so relieved to have gotten that out.”

“I am. I’ve been holding it in for awhile.”

“So…you don’t believe in God? You’re one heck of an actress.”

“You’re unbelievable. Just keep talking out of your ass, you’re making this a lot easier for me.”

“Have fun living your secular life, Em. I’m sure you’ll be back.”

“We’ll see, Jack. Take care of yourself.”

Words In the Dark

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9:27: DrFeelGud: Somethin tells me ur really sexy

9:31: DrFeelGud: U there? I dont bite

9:31: SunflwrSeed86: I won’t carry on a conversation with you unless you write like an adult.

9:32: DrFeelGud: lol u gonna spank me if I dont baby? Wut r u wearing

9:33: SunflwrSeed86: Wow. Okay. This was a bad idea. And..just to put this out there, I have no intention of spanking you or anyone else.

9:33: DrFeelGud: U came here lookin for somethin so let me help u find it

9:38: DrFeelGud: Stop disappearing. Loosen up baby just tell me wut u have on. Probably haven’t changed out of your work clothes

9:39: SunflwrSeed86: That isn’t true. I’ve already showered and changed into my pajamas.

9:39: DrFeelGud: Just kill me with the sexiness why dont ya

9:40: SunflwrSeed86: Very funny.

9:41: DrFeelGud: Lol alright tell me y ur here

9:43: SunflwrSeed86: Not until you write like an adult. I refuse to speak to you this way. We are not preteens.

9:43: DrFeelGud: If I do, will you loosen up?

9:44: SunflwrSeed86: Oh, look at that, punctuation.

9:45: DrFeelGud: What do I get for being a good boy? Show me your tits. I deserve a treat.

9:45: SunflwrSeed86: Don’t do that. You’re not a dog.

9:45: SunflwrSeed86: Maybe we should just…stop it. This isn’t working.

9:47: DrFeelGud: Charlotte, why are you making this is so hard

9:47: SunflwrSeed86: Don’t break character! You’re breaking the rules!

9:48: DrFeelGud: And you’re being frigid. You couldn’t think of something better than sunflower seed? It’s a sex chat room, honey.

9:48: SunflwrSeed86: Right, because ‘DrFeelGud’ isn’t the most common name ever. How many variations of that did you have to do for the site to allow it?

9:50: DrFeelGud: Okay, we’re done. I’m coming home. Did you make dinner? Where are the kids?

9:51: SunflwrSeed86: Stop, just stop. I want to do this. I’ll…get..hot. Can we start over?

9:52: DrFeelGud: Yes, babe. Alright, so what are you wearing?

9:52: SunflwrSeed86: Can you ask me something else? I already said pajamas..if I change my answer, I feel like it’ll be weird.

9:54: DrFeelGud: Charlotte…

9:55: SunflwrSeed86: I don’t have anything on.

9:57: DrFeelGud: Really?

9:58: SunflwrSeed86: 😉

10:00: DrFeelGud: Touch your pussy and see if it’s wet.

10:01: SunflwrSeed86: WOW. What happened to baby steps? What the fuck was that? See if I’m wet?

10:02: DrFeelGud: I like it when you curse, do it again.

10:02: SunflwrSeed86: What else do you like?

10:02: DrFeelGud: Whoa, that was really good babe. That actually turned me on.

10:03: SunflwrSeed86: Daniel, stop breaking character!

10:03: DrFeelGud: Lol my apologies. Alright, I like it when you’re on top.

10:05: SunflwrSeed86: Why?

10:05: DrFeelGud: I like watching your tits bounce up and down. I like grabbing your ass.

10:06: SunflwrSeed86: Oh, really? What else?

10:07: DrFeelGud: Honey, I can’t be doing all the talking. You have to say things, too.

10:09: SunflwrSeed86: I don’t know what to say! I want to fuck you?

10:11: DrFeelGud: We don’t have to do this, Char.

10:11: SunflwrSeed86: Okay, great. So we’ll tell Dr. Fine that we practiced?

10:12: DrFeelGud: Sure. I’ll be home in a few minutes.

10:14: SunflwrSeed86: I tried, Daniel.

10:15: DrFeelGud: I know. I’m gonna stop by the bar on my way home. That ok?

10:20: DrFeelGud: Charlotte?

10:24: SunflwrSeed86: Use a condom.

SunflwrSeed86 has left the chat room.

Frightened Liar

I almost apologized to you today. I was giving advice to a friend, and as the words were leaving my mouth, I began to understand just how I hurt you. After all these years, it finally made sense. I’ve apologized to you endlessly, but I never fully comprehended what I did to you. How the lies I told drew a distance…a gap between that could never be resolved. Anyhow, in the middle of all that, I had the biggest urge to just…tell you I’m sorry. But that’s pointless, so I didn’t. It’s just been rolling around in my head for some time, and now I’m thinking of what could have been. Chances are, we wouldn’t have worked out, but I still would’ve liked the opportunity. What I really will never understand, though, is the fact that you’re holding all of that against me when we were so young. I was a baby. I wish you would take the time to get to know adult me. If only the pre-teen version of me wasn’t so fucked in the head. You strung me along though. You’ll never admit it, but you strung me along. You did a lot of stupid things, but somehow, my little white lies overshadowed the things you did to put us in such a hole. But it’s fine, I’ll take the fall. It just sucks that after all these years, I’m still in this position. I’m not pining over you anymore, I don’t really want you in that way, but you’re still in my heart. I’m not sure what kind of sense that makes, I’ve been drinking. My fingers tremble as I type. I just really could have loved you, you know? I could’ve been there for you, tried to understand you more than you let me…there were so many possibilities. And now there are none. And I’m fine with that. It took awhile, but I’m fine. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends again, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t something I hope for. We were comfortable, and now…yeah. Well, I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re happy. I guess I’ll find out how you’re doing the next time I get drunk and text you.

Horizons

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Since I’ve been away,
There seems to be a problem with
Communication..&I can no longer read you.
I can no longer hear you..
Just your silent breath
On the other end of a phone
That is slowly sucking
The life out of us.
We don’t connect as we once did,
No more late night laughs..
Late night anything for that matter.
You were once my reason
For wanting to breathe and exist..
And yet, I find myself
Absorbing a much cleaner air.
I find that I can sleep at night,
My thoughts aren’t clouded
With…replayed conversations,
Things I should’ve said,
Things I’d like to take back..
But since I’ve been away,
I’ve missed your touch.
I miss the way you smell,
The way your mouth twitches when you yell..
&I’ve always been able to tell
When you were reaching the end of your rope..
So I dropped my world
&I picked up yours..
I tasted your salty tears,
Took your pain on as mine..
But for the first time in awhile,
I feel like I’ve been set free.
Physically anyway..
I don’t believe there is anything
In this world that can keep you
Off of my mind
Or out of my life,
And sometimes..I wonder what it is about you.
Why I continue to be so enamored
By your..everything.
A part of me hates you..
Wishes I could walk away
&never look back.
Yet, if I couldn’t hear your voice
Or see your face, touch your skin
&breathe you in
For the length of a lifetime,
I might just lose myself.
Our hearts lie in each other..
Our lives are wrapped around one another..
But, these nights that I’ve been
Able to sleep freely
Breathe deeply
Without being polluted
By the guilt of feeling like
I’m not good enough..
Has been relieving.
I can’t live my life without you,
It’s something I would never even dare to dream.
Yet, I do believe
That while I’m away,
We will have to work on
Being more connected..
I know it’s something we can achieve,
With simple effort&hearts worn on our sleeves..
Because I’m slowly starting to understand
That a life right next to you..
Taking you in and leaving my life in the palm of your hand..
Is a life filled with sorrow..
&A life that won’t result in us being friends.

False Pretenses

There’s something about you that makes me feel alive.
That’s probably the most
Overused phrase of all eternity,
But it just so happens to be the truth.
I’m not exactly sure what it is,
But your smile makes me feel
Like I might break into a million pieces.
It makes me feel like I want to reach
Across this disgusting barrier
And touch your skin.
I’d like to run my fingers across
Your cheek and feel your lips.
There’s something about you
That makes me feel so put together,
Yet you make me feel so broken.
I love it when you say I make you happy…
Or that you love me.
But to be quite honest,
I think you love a piece of me.
I don’t think you love the whole me.
I don’t think you’re prepared for
The person that you haven’t met.
And that scares me…
Because I want nothing more than
To be next to you.
We don’t have to touch..or speak..
I just want to know it feels like
To be close to you..physically.
I’d like to place your hands on the
Small of back
And then let you take control.
Perhaps that’s my problem..
I’ve given you control of all of this
And I end up waiting by my phone
Hoping that you think of me
While I think of you..
Hoping that you want me
The way I want you.
There’s something about you
That makes me feel free.
You make me feel like I’m smart..
Like there’s something that separates me from the rest,
But is there?
Is there something about me
That you haven’t found in another
Person?
If so, why are we in this hole?
Why can’t I reach out and touch your cheek?
Feel your lips and say you’re beautiful?
Because I do, you know.
I think you’re beautiful
And amazing and so filled with wonder..
I want to know you,
But I think I want to feel you more
Right now.
I can’t help but be taken by you
Captivated by the things you say
And the things you don’t.
There’s something about you
That makes me feel like I’m on fire..
But then again, you’re holding
My heart in your hand
And it’s burning..
And you’re not really doing
Anything to stop it.
I should probably move on.

Barriers

Inside of me, lies you. Yet, here I am lying with someone else. Night after night, I breathe her in. I smell her hair, taste her mouth, and all the while, I imagine what you would feel like in her place. You and I are connected in quite an unconventional way. The moment I saw you, my heart soared out of my chest and flew right into your hand. The skies brightened immediately, and I could feel myself melting. My wife was only a few feet away, but as our eyes met, I knew instantly that I should’ve waited. Being the eldest of four, still unmarried, I grew impatient. My mother wanted grandchildren, and I simply needed someone to come home to at night. In the back of my mind, though, all of the wedding plans seemed…wrong. It didn’t add up. The shoe didn’t fit, it just didn’t make sense, but I didn’t have a clue as to why.

Then I met you.

I saw you walking down the street in a short yellow dress, and you were smiling as if the world around you was perfect. Your smile eased me into realizing that I hadn’t truly loved anyone until that moment. I need you, but it appears that it might be too late. My wife touches me, and I ponder what your fingertips would feel like against me. Oh, what a mistake I made not waiting for you. Since then, I’ve had countless encounters with you, and on a few of them, I had the chance to hear you laugh. I watched as your mouth grew into a wide, contagious grin…and you began to laugh. Your voice is soft, yet strong. I can tell it captures the attention of the people around you. I can tell you capture hearts, the way you did mine. I dream of your lips and your long, brown hair. Every evening, I sit on my porch and watch the sky express itself. And every evening, I imagine you sitting right beside me. For some reason, I think you’re really fascinated in things like that; the real beauty of this world.

I feel like I’m drowning in you. I’m losing myself in you, and I don’t want it to stop. I want to breathe you, not her. I’d like to sit across from you at our breakfast table and laugh at the way you hog the covers at night. I’d like to surprise you with flowers at the end of the day just to see your lips spread into that beautiful smile. I don’t know much about you, but I know that this feeling only happens once in life. We’re able to love repeatedly, each person earning a piece of our hearts, but never our souls. There is only one person who can attach themselves to your soul, and for me, that person is you. I knew it when I saw, and it rings true three years later. If I could escape my life to be with you, I would do it in less than a heartbeat, but I can’t. I’ve committed my life to someone else, and as much of a mistake as that was, I can’t break that promise. For whatever reason, words mean something to me. Perhaps you won’t be mine in this lifetime, but in the next, I promise to cherish you each day. I promise to keep your tear ducts dry and your body warm.

I’d like to create a deep pool of desire between your legs and look into your eyes as we coalesce.

It’s a shame, really. I’m stuck endlessly wondering how you spend your days, what kind of food you like to eat, and how many hours of sleep you get in a night. Instead of experiencing the brilliance of your being, I must simply witness it through a pair of binoculars. Though it is a shame that I have to live with, you are a dream that carries me through reality in hopes that one day you will be my reality.