theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Relationships

Unapologetic

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I lie at your feet like a begging child.

Hoping and praying that you’ll love me back.

I scratch at your back door like a stray cat,

Waiting for a morsel of affection.

I unapologetically give my all…

Imprudent and weak,

Feeble like a branch

And continuously in amazement of

What you have the power to do to me.

Sorrowfully disappointed with what I

Allow and ceaselessly accept.

I lie under your arm and

Listen to the sound of you existing…

Taking you in each time I inhale,

Exhaling expectations and things I deserve

Because I unapologetically love you

More than I.

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You.

I lie next to you, watching your chest rise and fall with every shallow breath you take. You sleep soundly and peacefully, but I am paralyzed. My courage is rendered useless against my aching heart, beating only for you. I want the courage to walk, to run, to flee into the wind and taste the freedom of breathing without it hurting. I lie next to you, fighting the urge to cover your mouth with mine…line your lips with my tongue.

Hate him. Hate him.

I can’t. I can’t do anything but taste the resentment in my tears as they fall, fall, fall…building a wall between us that sooner or later, I will tear down. I lie next to you, broken and weak, surrendering the best parts of me to you and giving myself the remnants I don’t dare share with your light.

Leave.

And then what, I ponder. If I do, I’ll continue to be trapped within the bounds of my deep emotions, all of them spelling out your name. My thoughts imprisoning me with images of your smile…your beauty. I am defining insanity by continuing to give you peace while I run myself ragged, but I am stuck. I am frozen. I am awed at my fear of taking a single breath without you by my side. I watch you breathe deeply, wondering what tales are unfolding in the four corners of your curious little mind. A scream is caught in the back of my throat, a blow is trapped inside of fists, a better version of me lies within…but all I want to do is love you. I want to wrap your arms around me and feel your heart beating against my back. I want you more than I want me.

You’re crazy.

I know, I know. I’m weak, soft and foolish, defining insanity by lying here breathing while you torture me unknowingly. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I lie here. Paralyzed. Crazed. Afraid.

Hopeless.

In love.

Evanescence

They sat on her front steps consumed by a loud quieting of emotions as the streets that lied before and beyond buzzed and roared with an excitement that escaped them. Neither of them had uttered a word since leaving the restaurant, but their silence spoke the truth they’d long been afraid to face. Lina always thought this moment would be filled with tears and hugs, along with the inability to let go, but all she felt was peace. It wasn’t unwelcomed, but it also wasn’t expected. She looked over at Dixon to find him gazing at her thoughtfully. Smirking, Lina grabbed his hand and turned away. They both sighed. Her mind travelled back to the start of their relationship and how they met. Closing her eyes, Lina imagined the way his hands used to feel on her back; always warm and always inviting the most vulnerable parts of her to come alive. She remembered how the sound of his laughter made her want to repeat the same joke ten times over again just so he’d make that same lovely sound. So she’d feel his body trembling, his eyes twinkling and ultimate contentment shining through his cracks and edges. Even in that moment, broken and filled with a promised life that would never come to fruition, she still felt an ease and comfortability she feared wouldn’t be found in another person. Right then, Lina desired the taste of his lips. She looked back over at him and squeezed his hand, beckoning his attention. When their eyes met, Lina’s mouth formed a small smile that she hoped would be reciprocated. Instead, Dixon sighed and said, “This is depressing.”

As if containing a mind of their own, Lina’s shoulders slumped and her hands slowly released their hold on Dixon’s. He protested and tried to revive the intimacy in that moment, but with three small words, it had disappeared.

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

Letting Go

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There is no greater agony than being unable to escape something you so desperately want to separate yourself from. Perhaps there is, I know there is, but the feeling washing me over me refuses to acknowledge anything else. I want to leave, but you won’t let me out of your sight. At each and every turn, your chaos finds ways to override my silence, bringing forth mental screams of anger and deep, deep loathing. Please, go away. I no longer wish to support you and your words, your vicious ability to make me rue the day you were born. Something quite unlike me, I’m not hateful by any means. But somehow, you bring that out in me. Somehow, you make me wish I could disappear, leave you wondering where we went wrong. You are where we went wrong, and you alone. I’d love it if you allowed me to breathe the way I’d like. Inhaling with the sun, exhaling with the moon, no signs of you, no chances of your return. Instead, before my eyes even greet dawns presence, it is you who I see. Your hands wrapped tightly around my neck, taking any light and life away from me. Is that what you’d like? Would you just like the satisfaction of knowing you’ve won? If so, I’ll do you one better and submit my resignation. You win, I lose, just let me go..let me breathe. I no longer wish to be caged by your seemingly endless needs. Just…
Let me breathe.

Roots

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“You know how much I love you, right.”

It was more of a statement than a question. He knew, and I knew he knew.

We lied there quietly, fear and smoke amidst the air. Words and thoughts we’d never allow to breathe hung from the ceiling by a little thread, and here we were just…existing.

“It’s hard to tell with you threatening my life.”

Moments earlier, he extinguished a cigarette on my thigh and watched as I silently endured the pain. He pinned me down and said that if I moved, he’d make it worse. I believed him. Over the years, we’ve isolated ourselves. No one understands why we’re together or what we’re doing exactly, but I don’t owe anyone an explanation. I might owe myself one, but I don’t ask questions I don’t want the answer to.

So we remain together in this whirlwind of a lifestyle. We remain in the darkness, and this oasis of destruction that we’ve created somehow brings me peace. I don’t care to go for walks in the park, I don’t need flowers. He doesn’t require a hot meal be prepared in his absence, nor does he need me to be a doting partner hanging onto his every word. We just are. He just is, I just am, and it works.

It feels like I’m blindfolded on a rollercoaster every single day of my waking life.

It feels like my old life was kidnapped. Somehow, it feels like I’ve been tossed in an unnamed van, taken to an unknown location just to have a man named Pablo stick a needle in my arm as nameless, faceless men riddle in and out of me.

Except, he isn’t Pablo. And nothing that has happened to me occurred against my will.

His name is Louis, but everyone calls him Trig. They call me Micky. We’ve gotten into a lot of weird shit together, but the most toxic thing we’ve ever been involved in happens to be each other. In the span of three years, he’s managed to completely purge me of a soul. Looking into the mirror always leaves me feeling ghastly and afraid because staring back at me seems to be an empty carcass. Then he appears, putting both fear and amazement in me, shadowing any light that could come near.

With my gun against his temple, I assessed our lives together. I’ve been tempted to rob him of his next breath on multiple occasions, but I’m afraid of how much I’ll miss him. I’m afraid of what would happen to me.

As we lied there in bed together, I thought about the empty bottles littering the floor, random debris strewn about. I thought about how I ended up here, and what I’d miss if I didn’t have this anymore.

I closed my eyes and removed the gun from his temple, then placed it on mine. I could feel his hands on my body. For a cold-hearted, soulless man, his hands were always warm and inviting. They touched me in the right places with the gentlest caress. His hands told me everything I needed to know about how he felt about me. They handed me his heart on rusty platter and expressed the things he would never say. Holding the gun to myself, I thought of how much I’d miss his hands.

I could feel him begin to fondle my breasts, circling my nipple with his fingers anticipating their inevitable hardening. My heart raced, blood pumping through my veins with a fierce intensity, warning me of oncoming tears. Louis squeezed my waist, and into my ear, he said,

“Do it.”

“Don’t ask for something you don’t really want.”

“If it makes you happy, it makes me happy.”

We sat in silence. I cursed his name, then he cursed mine. After a few moments, he licked the side of my face like he was a dog and I, his master. He continued to lick me, slobbering on my face and ear, watching me and waiting for a reaction.

I racked the slide, flipped the safety off and put my finger on the trigger, then he stopped. I could feel the goose bumps rising on his chest. As he opened his mouth to speak, I put the gun back on the side of his head. I pushed it deeper and deeper into him, daring him to even breathe the wrong way.

“I hate you,” I spat.

“Prove it,” he said.

Love is the best thing we can experience as humans. It’s complicated, but so addicting in the most beautiful way. It’s tantalizing. You can’t explain why you keep going back to the one thing that has the power to kill you, you just do. Love is life. Just to have the ability to feel it, no matter how painful, is a joy all in itself. To love him is painful. To wake up and be this person is heartbreaking. I wish every day that I could make him feel the knife sliding up and down my veins, slicing my skin on its journey. To feel the utmost hatred for someone, yet be so enamored by their being is confusing and catastrophic, but I endure this feeling day in and day out because my life without him is bland and ordinary.

So I shot him in the leg.

“Do you feel my love for you now, baby?”

I silently watched him endure the pain, threatening to make it worse if he moved.

 

Red Moon

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I often wonder if our desires are foolish.

This game we continue to play of
Running back and forth between
Our hearts and the inevitable truth
Makes it almost unbearable to exist.
While I’m eager to quit
And resume the life
I lived before you..
A brush against your lips
Makes it easy to persist
This nocuous tryst
That has somehow begun to
Define me.

The mere hope of detaching myself
From this relentless grasp
Is futile.
And time seems to be…
Snickering.
It watches in amusement
At our attempts to move beyond it..
&Act as if we’re in control.
Act as if this lie is ours.

Long ago,
I came to terms with the idea that
This might be it.
What we’ve created might never
See the radiance of the sun..
It might never feel the wind blowing through,
Just the taunting breeze of a midnight sky.

But I think I’d put this dagger
Through my very own heart
If it meant spending one more second
In your reach.
I’d endure the torture of
The incapability of the seizing of
Your heart
day after day,
Living this lie
Hiding in the shade of your shame..
Just to breathe in the breaths
You release.

If only to feel the expansion of
My mind,
The deepening of my heart
Just at the thought of you placing your hand on me..

I think I’d willingly remain in this
Constant state of apprehension.

Within Me Lies…

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A part of me thinks that you think I don’t need you. Maybe that’s why you refuse to do anything to fix the mind fuck of a situation we’re in. Little do you know, I need you more than I can put into words. For the first time in my life, the love I feel towards you is healthy. Don’t get me wrong, your touch intoxicates me and sends me flying through alternate universes that I didn’t even think existed. The minute you place your hand on my skin, I can feel things inside of me exploding. I like to just stare at you sometimes. Over time, I’ve noticed that your infinite beauty can make any bit of sadness I feel go away. I can only hope that I move you the way you move me…because I feel like I’m drowning with you. I placed my trust in you and swam deeply into your ocean, and I don’t want to be saved. I’d actually prefer to just keep sinking. But believe me, this is healthy.

I don’t feel the need to know where you are at all times or know what you’re doing. I…trust you. It feels foolish to say, but there’s something in you that I just believe in. I’ll admit that I want you to need me. I want to have the smile that keeps you going through the day, but sometimes I wonder if you desire to have those affections. I hope this isn’t a lost cause. As the days go by, my love grows deeper…and deeper. I begin to want you more and more, and it slowly drives me crazy. But seriously, it’s healthy. I would never hold you back in any way, I wouldn’t dream of it. I want to see your success skyrocket. I want to see you accomplish the things you know you’re capable of, the things I know will be possible. Your success is inevitable, and that makes me really proud. Are you proud of me? Would you be pleased in saying that I belong to you? Because I’d like to. I want to lie in your arms and feel your breath on my neck. I want to feel your heartbeat against my back while your hands are intertwined with mine. I see these incredible things for us and I’m sorry if I rush it, but please believe when I say I can’t help it.

When I love, I love hard and I hope that doesn’t frighten you. It hasn’t so far. You’ve been quite understanding of my wavering emotions I’m a little crazy, I know. Do I need you to survive? Probably not. Maybe I will one day. But I do need to feel you…and hear you…and have you near me. I need you to understand how you’ve inserted yourself into me in ways that might mean that I’ve fallen for you. It’s a little weird to say, I’m trying to love you in a healthy way. But I need you in many different ways. And I want you to need me too because I’m here. I will show up for you, and listen to you, and be here for you. I battle with this daily, but I also think I’ll wait for you. Just…don’t forget me in your wake. You say you could never forget me, but life passes us by in the blink of a dark eye. I’d hate for us to never experience the splendor of the life we imagine. 

Bottomless

A man walks into a bar, and sits on a stool. Before he orders his usual drink, he turns toward the rest of the establishment and looks at what kind of people are in his company for the evening. Some, he feels, look like decent people. The others are scum. People he would never associate himself with. Women not worth his attention, and men not worth his conversation. He then turns to face the barkeep and simply nods. He’s been there before. They know what he likes. After a few moments, he begins to drown his sorrows in brown liquor, and then white. Drink after drink, he absorbs the effect in hopes that he will be able to forget her. Forget her face, forget her taste, forget the way she calls his name. He says he will leave her after each enchanting encounter, but he the courage to do so evades him at every twist and turn. He would miss the smell of her hair, her crooked smile, the way her nose crinkles when she laughs. Most of all, he would miss her warmth. He would miss how her legs seem to push him deeper into her each time they make love. He’s obsessed with the way she needs him. The way she makes him feel like she needs him. Yet, at the end of each evening, he watches the curve of her back get further and further away from his as the door closes behind it swiftly. He watches her go into the arms of another man through hotel curtained windows. She isn’t his. She never was. But she keeps him on his toes, she keeps his mind in motion..his body rolling around in mixed emotions. So he drinks. Every time she leaves him, he drinks. He sits at that same stool, looks around for people who might be more interesting than she is, and when he doesn’t find anyone, he drinks. As she slides into the arms of a man who could never possess the amount of love he aimlessly carries for her, his calloused hands wrap around a smooth glass that could never betray him. Once that glass is in his hand, it isn’t going anywhere. He refills the glass with adoration whenever he wishes to, and the glass allows him to take it in each and every time. Unlike her. Unlike everything she’s given him. She’d just take it back. Dangle it in front of his face, watch his eyes dance in the moonlight of false hope, and once his heart allowed him to get comfortable in her embrace, she took it away. So he drinks. And he will continue drinking until someone more interesting than she could ever dream to be walks through that bar. But until then, he drinks.

Not Really Sure

Hey!

I’m terrible with intros. Man, this week sucked. I mean…it suuuuuuucked. But, today is Friday. Fridays are always good. I haven’t really had the best time this week, but a really good friend of mine made sure I survived. She made sure that I was okay, that I was taken care of, and that I didn’t throw myself off of I-95. I didn’t really think I’d get through honestly. I mean, I know I would, but it just didn’t feel like it. It felt like someone took a pile of shit and threw it on top of my head. If everything goes well today, then the last piece of the puzzle will be completed. I’ll be done with this. I’ll be able to move on and set my sights on something bigger and better. I really wish money wasn’t so important. Anyway, I’m becoming acutely aware of where certain things are going. Where, you ask? Nowhere. They are going nowhere. I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be my friend for awhile bc he was too sexually attracted to me. I have another guy who texts me the most outlandish shit. For example: “How mad would you be if you found out that me and your mom had a baby right after I proposed to you?” Who says that? I said, “Not that this would ever happen, but I’ll entertain you. I’d be pretty upset…then I’d move on and realize you’re both fuckers.” To which he replied “I like your nipples.” He’s never seen my nipples. Then this other guy who is as confused as the sun in the dark. Make up your mind, do you want me or don’t you? Then another who thinks he loves me. And to make it worse, a guy that I’ve been friends with for a veeeery long time let his girlfriend disrespect me. This entire week, I’ve been feeling disrespected. Not one of those guys respect me in any way, and that is what I realized. They do things and say things that literally contradict EVERYTHING they say they feel toward me. And I don’t do that. I’m there, I’m present, I give, I tolerate, I listen, I’m patient, and understanding..&I don’t think I expect that much. Just do me how I do you. That’s not the case right now. I’m thinking it’s time I go on a little break from everyone. You’re all just fucking with my head and making things a bit worse for me. Life itself has just walked all over me, and I’m finally blogging about it because I’m over it. It’s Friday. It’s the weekend. I’m going to wear a crop top today and take selfies and thank God for allowing me to remain positive when nothing seems to be going right. There is one person who hasn’t insanely annoyed me this week and that’s my best friend. &my mother. But, let’s just go with my bff. Guys will never understand the bond that women can form. It’s one of the best things I’m my life right now. True friendship has pulled me out of the deepest woods, made me laugh when I thought I forgot how, made me realize that I’m better than I think I am. The guy version of her is J. He is perfection. He’s the best guy friend anyone can have. He loves me when I’m going ape shit, he loves me when I’m crying, he loves me when I don’t have anything..he’s consistent. The only consistent guy I know. He accepts me. He supports me. I appreciate them. I will always appreciate them. Everyone else has just made me want to hide into a corner. Made me want to shut my phone off and go to sleep for at least a few days. &what sucks is that with most of those guys, I’m in control. They don’t phase me, they’re just persistent and won’t stop chasing. But one…I can’t control anything. I want to, but I can’t. I tell myself that I will, but I don’t. Because he’s not a bad guy, he’s not mean, he’s genuine. Just confused. I deserve a lot more than confusion though. I deserve readiness. I deserve fearlessness. Let’s see. This week has allowed me to see myself in a new light. I’m pretty strong. I could try harder, I need to work on communicating, but I’m not all bad. There’s some awesomeness in here. Have a Good Friday, everyone