theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Random

Journal

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Whenever I love something or someone too much, I always fear that it’ll get taken away from me. Just now, I was looking at pictures of my cat and naturally, being the creep that I am, I started thinking of what my life would be like without her. I know that at some point, we won’t be able to be together and when that does happen, my life will go on. Life always goes on. The thing is, though, I have a really hard time letting go. I often daydream about my mother dying. I see my life crashing and burning, the pain twisting it’s poisonous knife in my body over and over again until I eventually kill myself. I daydream about what it would be like if I no longer had my sister around me…or if I’m dating someone, I constantly worry and fear for the end of our relationship. I really, really…really don’t like to let go of things. I don’t ever want to be in bed without Lola. I cringe at the thought that a day will come where she isn’t around to crawl on me, curl up next to me or smell my face. It’s scary, you know? The idea that nothing is of certain. The fact that we aren’t guaranteed anything in life, but death. That is all our one true common factor; we’re all gonna fucking die. And I’m okay with that. Maybe if we all just died at the same time it’d be easier?

When you’re used to losing things, you kind of start to think that everything else will follow the rotten trend as well. You begin to believe that you’re doomed to a world of perpetual sadness, eternal solitude, and…silence. Not the good kind, either. The kind that’ll drive you crazy and make you do anything for the slightest indication of human life around you. I don’t want to lose anymore than I already have, and when I look around at all the people I’m afraid of losing, I almost wish I wasn’t burdened with loving them at all. Yes, I’d much rather love and lose than to miss out on an experience so phenomenal and fulfilling, but the pain that ensues is something I can live without.

But then again, what’s life without pain?
This shit is overrated, I swear.

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Journal

Yo peeps.

It’s a little early to say this, considering the fact that we’re three days in, but I’m liking October. Well, so far. There’ve been a few moments that I’m not ranting and raving about, but for the most part, I’ve been able to maintain a positive attitude, not to mention an open mind, that’s allowed me to start off this month on a good note. With that being said, I just have two or three things on my mind that I would like to discuss. The first thing on my agenda is slut shaming. We’ve all heard the term, we know what it is, and yes, I’m that radical person. I was on Instagram earlier this morning and a friend of mine posted a little meme of a movie that I wasn’t familiar with. Though, I liked the picture because I liked what it said.

“Be a slut. Do whatever you want.”

To which, someone (a fellow lady) responded by saying, “that’s exactly what’s wrong with the world. All the girls are whores.”

Uhhh, what?! Before I even rip this chick to shreds, do you happen to know every woman walking this great, big (kind of small, actually) earth? Are you inspecting every woman’s snatch and measuring the width to determine just how much of a whore this woman is? Oh. I didn’t think so. I should’ve told her to shut the F up, but I’m not one for internet drama, or drama at all, so I rolled my eyes and kept scrolling. Here’s the deal: who the fuck cares? Oh, that’s right, society. These invisible/made up rules, codes, standards and morals that plague women is sickening. Why does, or should, it matter how many people she, they, we have slept with? Whose business is it, if not my very fucking own? Like you’re really going to give me shit for something that DOES NOT AFFECT YOU? I had to capitalize that because I think people miss that point entirely. Unless I am riding the peen of every male (or female, there are ways) in your family and am causing an undesirable amount of chaos in your life, why exactly do you care about who I exchange bodily fluids with? Why is it the worlds business? Women are women. We are strong, intelligent, creative, funny, sexy, and you know what? We’re just bad ass all around. Every single one of us. If Cindy had a good time with Michael and decides she’d like to partake in consensual intercourse, then she should be able to without the unwelcomed judgement of I-am-every-woman-Sandy just looming over Cindy’s PERSONAL life and decisions. No one deserves that.

I’m focusing on women because we get so much shit for it, but men do too. We have been blessed with free will, ladies and gents. That means that we can all do whatever the fuck we want, unless, of course, it endangers the lives of others and/or risks personal freedom. Then, no. But, on a serious note, let’s stop slut shaming. Let’s break out of this old-fashioned, moral high ground, judge-y mold that’s shredding the confidence of woman. Let’s stop caring about how many people we’ve all slept with because I guarantee you, you’ll move on just fine in life if you find out Ashley slept with 50 men or just 5. Is it the safest, most hygienic thing in the world? No. But if that’s what you want, go for it. Have your opinions, you’re allowed to. Don’t sleep with everyone, you don’t have to. But don’t look down on another person because they decided to live their lives differently than you did. And guys, if body counts matter that much to you, which they shouldn’t because frankly, that’s immature, but if it matters, don’t go date a girl whose body count triples yours and expect her to be someone she’s not. Or even worse, don’t make her feel bad for who she is. We need to learn to accept each other. We need to learn to coexist. If you can’t coexist with someone whose views differ from yours, then dear, you’ve some evolving to do. We’re all entitled to our thoughts, feelings, ideas, but just respect the ones that don’t agree with yours. That’s what being a person is.

I actually went deeper than I intended, so I’ll stop here.

P. S. – I hope I didn’t offend anyone in this post. If I did, grow a pair. Just kidding, totally kidding. Seriously, I’m sorry if I did. (I quadruple checked to make sure I didn’t though.)

Sundays

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I miss the days when I was brave. The days when impulse and random occurrences ruled my life. Adrenaline raced through my veins, and let me just say, I was having a blast. During a conversation with a friend today, she shared that she wished it was the 70’s so she could really enjoy her life. I agreed and said that I would also love that because then, I could really enjoy my life, do what I want and truly not care. Then I wondered..when did I stop living? And more importantly, why do I feel like I can’t? I’m 21 years old, I’m healthy, I don’t have any major attachments. Why do I feel like my whole life has to be calculated and why the hell do I feel this pressure to be so settled right now? I don’t know when I got so scared. I’ve always been worrisome, but today I truly realized just how much my worrying interrupts the natural process of my life. Things should be fun, right? I know they can’t be all the time, but most of the time they should be.

“You gotta let it go. Please let it go.” The Gospel Whiskey Runners- A Stone’s Throw Away

Right as I finished typing that last sentence, that exact line played. I promise that just happened.

Here’s to good&bad decisions that make life as interesting as it is. And to stepping out of our comfort zones….And to not getting too stuck on life’s hang ups..because being happy feels really good.

Violent Dream

Feels like I’m losing my mind a little bit. It also feels like I have a major issue with just….shutting up sometimes. I’m working on a story right now, but I had to stop and let my mind breathe. I’m feeling a lot of things right now and I felt like I was allowing my emotions to cloud my judgement. My story was taking an unnecessary turn.

I work in five hours. But I have to be up in four. Yet..I’m up writing, thinking, drinking, regretting. Also listening to music. Wishing I could be out of my skin for a bit.

Last night, a good friend of mine told me I had an incredible quality, and when I asked which quality he was referring to, he said that I possess the quality to love whole heartedly. He said not too many people have that, and I really appreciated it. He’s right though. I love..a lot and I love hard. Sometimes it bubbles over because it’s so much and I can only let it out through my words. It comes out in an uncontrollably emotional, confused and angry rant..&each time, I regret it. It never fails. I am obsessed with expressing myself and I have this thing where I feel like people’s feelings should be heard and understood. I also believe that my life is a movie.

My head is spinning. But I’m listening to a great song. All these songs are great. Fuck, I love music.

I am trying to be not so…erratic, but then I wouldn’t be me. This is me. I can’t help it. I have a lot of love inside of me. Sometimes it spills. Decisions I’ve made, I have to live with..beds I’ve made, I have to lie in. Words I’ve said..well, I can’t take them back.

I think about that night at the beach a lot.

I don’t think I’m going to bed any time soon and that angers me because I have to be up so early. I can’t finish this story tonight either.

Is anyone else up right now?

Life is so weird. It’s not funny, it’s just really fucking weird.

I named this post after the song that was playing when I finished it. Just in case anyone was wondering.

Not Really Sure

Hey!

I’m terrible with intros. Man, this week sucked. I mean…it suuuuuuucked. But, today is Friday. Fridays are always good. I haven’t really had the best time this week, but a really good friend of mine made sure I survived. She made sure that I was okay, that I was taken care of, and that I didn’t throw myself off of I-95. I didn’t really think I’d get through honestly. I mean, I know I would, but it just didn’t feel like it. It felt like someone took a pile of shit and threw it on top of my head. If everything goes well today, then the last piece of the puzzle will be completed. I’ll be done with this. I’ll be able to move on and set my sights on something bigger and better. I really wish money wasn’t so important. Anyway, I’m becoming acutely aware of where certain things are going. Where, you ask? Nowhere. They are going nowhere. I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be my friend for awhile bc he was too sexually attracted to me. I have another guy who texts me the most outlandish shit. For example: “How mad would you be if you found out that me and your mom had a baby right after I proposed to you?” Who says that? I said, “Not that this would ever happen, but I’ll entertain you. I’d be pretty upset…then I’d move on and realize you’re both fuckers.” To which he replied “I like your nipples.” He’s never seen my nipples. Then this other guy who is as confused as the sun in the dark. Make up your mind, do you want me or don’t you? Then another who thinks he loves me. And to make it worse, a guy that I’ve been friends with for a veeeery long time let his girlfriend disrespect me. This entire week, I’ve been feeling disrespected. Not one of those guys respect me in any way, and that is what I realized. They do things and say things that literally contradict EVERYTHING they say they feel toward me. And I don’t do that. I’m there, I’m present, I give, I tolerate, I listen, I’m patient, and understanding..&I don’t think I expect that much. Just do me how I do you. That’s not the case right now. I’m thinking it’s time I go on a little break from everyone. You’re all just fucking with my head and making things a bit worse for me. Life itself has just walked all over me, and I’m finally blogging about it because I’m over it. It’s Friday. It’s the weekend. I’m going to wear a crop top today and take selfies and thank God for allowing me to remain positive when nothing seems to be going right. There is one person who hasn’t insanely annoyed me this week and that’s my best friend. &my mother. But, let’s just go with my bff. Guys will never understand the bond that women can form. It’s one of the best things I’m my life right now. True friendship has pulled me out of the deepest woods, made me laugh when I thought I forgot how, made me realize that I’m better than I think I am. The guy version of her is J. He is perfection. He’s the best guy friend anyone can have. He loves me when I’m going ape shit, he loves me when I’m crying, he loves me when I don’t have anything..he’s consistent. The only consistent guy I know. He accepts me. He supports me. I appreciate them. I will always appreciate them. Everyone else has just made me want to hide into a corner. Made me want to shut my phone off and go to sleep for at least a few days. &what sucks is that with most of those guys, I’m in control. They don’t phase me, they’re just persistent and won’t stop chasing. But one…I can’t control anything. I want to, but I can’t. I tell myself that I will, but I don’t. Because he’s not a bad guy, he’s not mean, he’s genuine. Just confused. I deserve a lot more than confusion though. I deserve readiness. I deserve fearlessness. Let’s see. This week has allowed me to see myself in a new light. I’m pretty strong. I could try harder, I need to work on communicating, but I’m not all bad. There’s some awesomeness in here. Have a Good Friday, everyone

Baring It All: Late Night Chronicles

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Hmmm….I find myself late-night blogging yet again.

Tonight is an interesting night, though. I’ll tell you why.

One of the worst feelings is looking in the mirror and not liking what you see. Not understanding why you look the way you do..why blemishes and acne scars won’t just leave you alone. Or why you seem to be gaining weight in the wrong places. My teeth aren’t white enough or straight enough, posture isn’t good enough, stomach isn’t flat enough, skin is just…ugh. Nothing is making sense right now. Oddly enough, I’m kind of embarrassed to go into the details of how bad I feel about myself right now. I feel like I’m baring my soul and I haven’t even gone into it. I can talk about anything with anyone, but when it comes to appearances, I refuse to discuss it. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but it feels like I’m crashing.

I’m going to state the obvious. Being a woman is tough. I’m sure being a man is just as tough, but I’ve never been a man. The pressure of a woman, though…my goodness. It’s exhausting. As effortless as some girls make it seem, it just isn’t. I’m hating my face right now..hating everything. I have to go to church in the morning and all I’m thinking of is how the sun will make my skin look weird if I stand in it too long. Or whatever I eat after church will have to be a very small portion. I was initially going to write a poem about natural beauty and self appreciation to get my mood going, but I’m too depressed to do so. It sounded great in my mind, but as soon as I began writing, negativity just…leaked.

Also, I have to go to a graduation in Tennessee next weekend and there’s a small part of me that doesn’t want to go. I don’t want to see a bunch of people and take all of these pictures and wear a bunch of make up that will make my acne stick out like sore thumbs. And it sucks because lately, I’ve really been into make up. It doesn’t agree with me though. I guess I’ll just be natural until my skin clears up. I never tell anyone that…the real reason I hate make up is because I don’t like the way it looks on my skin. My skin has gotten better over the years, and it’s a lot smoother, but it’s not completely clear. I hate that word; acne. It’s so gross. I’ve always felt like it defines me in a way.

Anyway, ironically enough, my mom is obsessed with make up and always wants me to wear it so I’ll look more sophisticated and blah blah, but I never do because of two reasons: 1. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to hide under make up. I’ve been living with imperfect skin for ten years (Middle school was rough) and I’m used to it, 2. This is gonna sound weird, but whatever. Say I’m out and my face is totally made up and I meet this great guy and he thinks I’m gorgeous. What if he thinks I’m hideous when he sees me without make up? In order to avoid all of that, I’d rather go with the “what you see is what you get” approach. I know, I’m crazy. Despite this post, I’ve gotten A LOT better about these things. Really, I have.

Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I had a night like this. I’ve been really confident and comfortable in my skin the last few years. Lately though, something has changed. I’m just not happy with myself and tonight, it’s made me particularly sad. I hate to say it, but I kind of wish I looked like the girls in the magazines. I know their photos are touched up and stuff, but they are still really, really beautiful women. They have great facial structure and perfect skin and perfect bodies and…just perfect everything it seems.

Alright, I’m going to be positive: I am thankful that I’ve been able to maintain a healthy and loving attitude towards myself. We all have bad nights and this is mine. Also, I’m happy that I am not just talking the talk, but I’ve been walking the walk by living a healthier lifestyle and keeping up with my gym routine. There. This isn’t easy for me to share, but I’m going to do it because this is life. This is me. Truth in the darkness.

Okay. That’s it.
I hope everyone is having a fun Friday night. Sweet dreams 🙂

Ramblings of Love

Hey there, fellow night owls.

I found this blog tonight that really made me feel a certain way about life. I hope it’s okay if I don’t share it. Some things, you save for yourself. Though I have many realistic boulders weighing heavily on my mind, I’d rather focus on me right now. I’d rather focus on the things I love about me. They say self-love is the best love, and I definitely agree with that, but I think that there are other kinds of love that are very important. Genuinely loving other people is something that has taught me how much love I have inside of myself, and that it’s okay if I keep some for myself. I used to hate myself..I used to want to die, disappear, I was self-destructive, but through all of that, I never hated the world. People often forget how important love is. 

I think my cat wants me to stop typing so she can sleep. She just smacked the keyboard and jumped off the bed. Ha!

Awhile ago in another one of my posts, I discussed the fact that I am empathetic. I think that being empathetic allows you to see someone’s pain, even when they they’re doing their best at hiding it. I can always see it. I like to talk about it, I like to understand it, I like to feel it. Someone once told me that it’s because I’m nosy. That isn’t the case at all. I don’t need to know everyone’s business. Who the hell am I? I just can’t help if I notice things. I can’t help to ask people if they’re okay, if there’s anything they’d like to talk about. When people aren’t noticing, they let their guards down. Though they were just laughing, for a split second they’ll take their mask off and frown. I’m sorry if I notice that. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes that person is thinking about how they left the stove on at their house, but most of the time, I’m right. I really like that about myself. That’s why I write my journals on here whenever I’m having a rough time. it’s not because I dwell in self-pity or because I’m always down, I’m not. In a world where people feel the need to compete with each other, I’d like for people to come to blog and know it’s a place of peace, unity, expression, and understanding. We’re all in this together. We’re all the same, we just look different. The foundation of my writing is based on the truth in the darkness, and for whatever reason, people are afraid of the darkness. A lot of great things come from the dark corners of our minds or lives. We find ourselves, we find others, we find…self-love. We find knowledge and wisdom. There’s nothing wrong with not being perfect, not being okay, not being happy all the time. It’s life. I, for one, have a terrible temper. I get annoyed for the simplest things very easily, and I hate it. I’m very particular about certain things and when people don’t get it, I’m bothered. I will stay quiet for a length of time and I will try to calm myself down in my mind, but it doesn’t work. All I’ll be thinking is “why didn’t you just put my brush back where you found it?!” 

I’m insane. So is my cat. She’s staring at me from across the room.

As we discussed, I’m a flake. I can be selfish, but who isn’t? Well….I guess Mother Theresa wasn’t selfish. Not the point. The point is, just love yourself. No matter what age or where we are in life, we grow and change every single day. We get better with time. We become the people we’d like to be. We do things we like, do things we don’t like. We lose people, lose jobs, lose things, lose ourselves…but somehow, I think a lot of us find our way back.

I found the little light inside of me that seemed to disappear last week. I’ve been feeling really bummy and lazy since finals week started, and once I start feeling that way, it becomes a war zone in my mind.

What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you accomplished? Why do you eat so much? Why did you wait till the last minute to do this? Why aren’t you rich? Why didn’t you go to gym last night? Loser. Get off Instagram. Go read a book. Stop thinking about marriage, you’re a loner. Why didn’t you stick up for yourself? Why do you care so much, so little?

It’s really unhealthy. Then today, a friend of mine, a great friend, told me that he read my blog and was amazed. He said some pretty fantastic things and I was just….more alive than I’d been in a week. Wanna get me into bed? Read my shit. Lol I’m kidding. You have to buy me dinner first. Kidding again! Seriously, it made me feel great. Then I started writing. That was like five hours ago and I haven’t been able to stop. I wish I didn’t get inside of my head so much. I wish I could tune out all of those terrible voices and just…live. We have to do that. Those voices get in the way of self-love. I’m gonna end this before i write a book, but I will say this: I used to think I was insane and just…out of it. Then I realized that I just love a lot. When you love a lot, or care too much about everyone and everything, you find yourself worrying about the world as if you birthed it. You find yourself wishing someone loves you the way you love them, hoping that your heart won’t burst from how much you put in it. I’m not insane. I used to try to prove myself to people a lot, try to do things I knew they’d like, but that never got me anywhere. Anyway, I’ll leave you with these things: Lol, I just realized that I already said that. Seriously though, seIf-love is the best, you’re not crazy, we’re crazy, I just have a big heart, and we’re all in this together. 

My cat got back on my bed. She’s curled up next to me. I think she’s silently apologizing for smacking the keyboard. I love you too, Lola. 

Goodnight, guys