Hey there, fellow night owls.
I found this blog tonight that really made me feel a certain way about life. I hope it’s okay if I don’t share it. Some things, you save for yourself. Though I have many realistic boulders weighing heavily on my mind, I’d rather focus on me right now. I’d rather focus on the things I love about me. They say self-love is the best love, and I definitely agree with that, but I think that there are other kinds of love that are very important. Genuinely loving other people is something that has taught me how much love I have inside of myself, and that it’s okay if I keep some for myself. I used to hate myself..I used to want to die, disappear, I was self-destructive, but through all of that, I never hated the world. People often forget how important love is.
I think my cat wants me to stop typing so she can sleep. She just smacked the keyboard and jumped off the bed. Ha!
Awhile ago in another one of my posts, I discussed the fact that I am empathetic. I think that being empathetic allows you to see someone’s pain, even when they they’re doing their best at hiding it. I can always see it. I like to talk about it, I like to understand it, I like to feel it. Someone once told me that it’s because I’m nosy. That isn’t the case at all. I don’t need to know everyone’s business. Who the hell am I? I just can’t help if I notice things. I can’t help to ask people if they’re okay, if there’s anything they’d like to talk about. When people aren’t noticing, they let their guards down. Though they were just laughing, for a split second they’ll take their mask off and frown. I’m sorry if I notice that. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes that person is thinking about how they left the stove on at their house, but most of the time, I’m right. I really like that about myself. That’s why I write my journals on here whenever I’m having a rough time. it’s not because I dwell in self-pity or because I’m always down, I’m not. In a world where people feel the need to compete with each other, I’d like for people to come to blog and know it’s a place of peace, unity, expression, and understanding. We’re all in this together. We’re all the same, we just look different. The foundation of my writing is based on the truth in the darkness, and for whatever reason, people are afraid of the darkness. A lot of great things come from the dark corners of our minds or lives. We find ourselves, we find others, we find…self-love. We find knowledge and wisdom. There’s nothing wrong with not being perfect, not being okay, not being happy all the time. It’s life. I, for one, have a terrible temper. I get annoyed for the simplest things very easily, and I hate it. I’m very particular about certain things and when people don’t get it, I’m bothered. I will stay quiet for a length of time and I will try to calm myself down in my mind, but it doesn’t work. All I’ll be thinking is “why didn’t you just put my brush back where you found it?!”
I’m insane. So is my cat. She’s staring at me from across the room.
As we discussed, I’m a flake. I can be selfish, but who isn’t? Well….I guess Mother Theresa wasn’t selfish. Not the point. The point is, just love yourself. No matter what age or where we are in life, we grow and change every single day. We get better with time. We become the people we’d like to be. We do things we like, do things we don’t like. We lose people, lose jobs, lose things, lose ourselves…but somehow, I think a lot of us find our way back.
I found the little light inside of me that seemed to disappear last week. I’ve been feeling really bummy and lazy since finals week started, and once I start feeling that way, it becomes a war zone in my mind.
What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you accomplished? Why do you eat so much? Why did you wait till the last minute to do this? Why aren’t you rich? Why didn’t you go to gym last night? Loser. Get off Instagram. Go read a book. Stop thinking about marriage, you’re a loner. Why didn’t you stick up for yourself? Why do you care so much, so little?
It’s really unhealthy. Then today, a friend of mine, a great friend, told me that he read my blog and was amazed. He said some pretty fantastic things and I was just….more alive than I’d been in a week. Wanna get me into bed? Read my shit. Lol I’m kidding. You have to buy me dinner first. Kidding again! Seriously, it made me feel great. Then I started writing. That was like five hours ago and I haven’t been able to stop. I wish I didn’t get inside of my head so much. I wish I could tune out all of those terrible voices and just…live. We have to do that. Those voices get in the way of self-love. I’m gonna end this before i write a book, but I will say this: I used to think I was insane and just…out of it. Then I realized that I just love a lot. When you love a lot, or care too much about everyone and everything, you find yourself worrying about the world as if you birthed it. You find yourself wishing someone loves you the way you love them, hoping that your heart won’t burst from how much you put in it. I’m not insane. I used to try to prove myself to people a lot, try to do things I knew they’d like, but that never got me anywhere. Anyway, I’ll leave you with these things: Lol, I just realized that I already said that. Seriously though, seIf-love is the best, you’re not crazy, we’re crazy, I just have a big heart, and we’re all in this together.
My cat got back on my bed. She’s curled up next to me. I think she’s silently apologizing for smacking the keyboard. I love you too, Lola.