theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Poetry

Numb.

A box filled with anguish landed in my palms today.

Suppressed feelings of dreariness emerged and down the black hole I went,

Spiraling down into obscurity.

This cocoon of gloom never strays because it knows I never will.

I may flirt with tranquility, fluttering my wings into communities of others who don’t feel like me,

My doubt is pushed past, my fear ignored,

But the many masks of a dancing fool can never truly disguise

The numbness.

 

On the outside, I am holding onto a fantasy with bleeding fingers.

All the while, Emptiness cheers.

She twists and shouts along to the music of Hopelessness.

Somberness grabs Rejection, leads her into a dip

And my nausea sets in.

The spotlight shines on Burden and Grief as they

Seemingly float across my heart,

And the crowd goes wild.

I take deep breaths and try again to ignore

The boom and bass of Brokenness’ drum as it

Creates an entrance for the shrill cymbal of Numbness.

But the whole gang erupts in celebration, and I become small.

 

I melt into the box and allow myself to find comfort

In the most consistent emotion I try so hard to conceal.

The numbness breathes life into me and I oblige.

It reminds me I am nothing, and I harbor it in my head.

Deeper and deeper, down into the emptiness,

Tumbling past my corpse of what was

And falling into a pit of what currently is.

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You.

I lie next to you, watching your chest rise and fall with every shallow breath you take. You sleep soundly and peacefully, but I am paralyzed. My courage is rendered useless against my aching heart, beating only for you. I want the courage to walk, to run, to flee into the wind and taste the freedom of breathing without it hurting. I lie next to you, fighting the urge to cover your mouth with mine…line your lips with my tongue.

Hate him. Hate him.

I can’t. I can’t do anything but taste the resentment in my tears as they fall, fall, fall…building a wall between us that sooner or later, I will tear down. I lie next to you, broken and weak, surrendering the best parts of me to you and giving myself the remnants I don’t dare share with your light.

Leave.

And then what, I ponder. If I do, I’ll continue to be trapped within the bounds of my deep emotions, all of them spelling out your name. My thoughts imprisoning me with images of your smile…your beauty. I am defining insanity by continuing to give you peace while I run myself ragged, but I am stuck. I am frozen. I am awed at my fear of taking a single breath without you by my side. I watch you breathe deeply, wondering what tales are unfolding in the four corners of your curious little mind. A scream is caught in the back of my throat, a blow is trapped inside of fists, a better version of me lies within…but all I want to do is love you. I want to wrap your arms around me and feel your heart beating against my back. I want you more than I want me.

You’re crazy.

I know, I know. I’m weak, soft and foolish, defining insanity by lying here breathing while you torture me unknowingly. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I lie here. Paralyzed. Crazed. Afraid.

Hopeless.

In love.

Words

Sometimes I feel like no one can ever truly love me.

So when someone finally does, it’s like…

Really?

Well then, you must be the only one

And I must latch on to you before you realize that the sun has gone.

And as if the shades have been drawn,

Darkness has overcome, and that’s what was won.

But actually, it’s ‘who’ because the darkness is me.

Perhaps my mind has been brewed like coffee beans,

Because I believe that I’m screwed so up

That down looks like freedom.

It feels like it make sense, so when you say you love me

It’s like… are you sure?

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never let anyone truly love me.

The words sound so foreign when they tumble out of your mouth.

Doing kickstands and cartwheels, backhand springs of,

“You’re so beautiful”, hand stands based on “I’ll never leave you,”

Looking for the twinkle in my eyes as your tongue dances

While you reveal your love to I…

Am so messed up that I can’t even believe you.

It’s not you, it’s me and the thoughts that won’t let me breathe.

The ones that suffocate me with threads of hate, weaved

So intricately that even those of Ariadne couldn’t compete.

I try to resurface each time you open your mouth,

Each time I look into your eyes and the corners of your mouth raise up

With brightness and hope that perhaps…

I’m normal.

But the thoughts…

The persistence of this self-deprecation is much too strong

For your words laced with beauty.

They outnumber the “I love you’s”

That are seemingly dipped in diamonds and jewelry.

They rise up with vengeance and armor to combat your devotion to me.

So… again, I drown.

Again, I fall.

Again, I believe that you are just speaking.

That you are just trying to trap me into believing

That you, a person, a whole other soul could actually love me.

Now you’re just being mean.

I don’t believe you because I don’t believe me

When I say that I love someone like I…

Who is so messed up.

Screwed so up that my vision of freedom

Has now become distorted.

A.N. – This is more so a spoken word piece so while reading, the flow may feel off. Try to take pauses as you go along and allow the seemingly misuse of sentence structure be an element of poetry used at my whim.

Echo

Your voice echoes in my dreams.

The sound of your laughter haunts me

And finds me in each dream sequence

Making sure to remind me that’s the only place

It’ll ever frequent.

The sight of you is now fuzzy and gray.

It has disappeared in the restless fray,

Beside you and my heart…

Which are all along for the joyride

That continues to destroy the state of my being.

I feel you within me in some moments.

But in others,

You are what you’ve become

And that is when I unravel

And become undone.

Your voice…

It echoes in my dreams.

It slowly withers away

As the sun rises and dreamland fades,

New thoughts emerge,

But they drown in the waves of

Everything that depraves me

Of normalcy.

So I sit. And I wait.

For the sound of your voice

To romanticize my mind

Until dawns early light

Allows me to wake.

And you, yet again, manage to escape

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

8:36

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There was once a time in my life
When I thought you were the one.
But I slowly began to realize
That I was coming undone.
Crumbling bit by narrowing bit..
Tumbling down your rabbit hole.
You made me weak.
You offered me a reality so shiny
That in turn became bleak..
So bleak, it shut me down
&I became silent&meek.
I shunned my own mind..
Feared my possibilities.
Simply because I thought that if
My light shined brighter than yours..
You’d leave me for an eternity
That I refused to withstand.
Why did you do this to me?
I offered you my spirit,
My whole heart&soul..
Thinking you would endear it.
Thinking you would cherish it..
Hold it tight&never let it go.
But you did.
I let you break it down
&throw it to the wind.
We watched in unison as it
Flew to the sky..up in the mighty
Clouds&ultimately disappeared into
The places of the universe that
We can never see…
&I stood there wondering what I
Could’ve ever done for you to
Want to ruin me.

7:08

I kind of hope you disappoint me.
A part of me awaits the moment
You fall through,
Show your real face
&blow away with fall leaves
As I’m left to reassess what
This all means.
I believed in the possibility
Of my expectations..
All my pretty, glittered dreams.
But as time goes along,
There seems to be a hole
Punched in each one.
I’m left standing on my heels,
Holding onto the clouds
&the shit that lies within them..
Each second passing reminding me
Just how empty this all really is.

Stagnancy

I haven’t moved a muscle since
Last fall.
Leaves on trees have Grown&browned,
They’ve fallen&produced
New lives, new chances..
They have introduced a new day.
The wind blows wistfully,
Moving along in it’s passage..
Dancing to the rhythm of time..
Yet, I..
Remain stagnant.
I can’t find the courage to
Resist the comfortability in
Standing still.
The protection one feels in
Being frozen in silence..
Will eventually be replaced
By a gurgling fear
Smoothly rising from deep within..
Eerily reminding you of
Your stunted growth.
I’ve begun to feel a disconnection
With the wind&the leaves..
I’m being cheated by time,
&They’ve all come together like
A band of thieves…
Stealing my chances in the thick
Of the night..
But perhaps it’s on me
For choosing to diminish my own light..
To stand still in the shadows
Of the dark.
&Sternly refusing to be accepting
Of the clocks plight.

11:20

The emptiness is screaming.
It was once a shy whisper
That evolved to a dull sound..
Penetrating my mind
Every waking second.
It fears my naïveté is overtaking
My control..
But did I have any to begin with?
I ached to feel something.
I yearned for the evolution of my
Expectations..
To be taken from fantasy to reality.
But then, the emptiness.
It loomed.
It rested on my shoulder…
Creeped into my thoughts
&told me to run.
“There’s nothing for you here,”
It said.
Making itself crystal clear
That I should replace my wants
With a deep, red fear.
Because as was warned..
There is only brokenness
Behind the doors I so wish to open.