theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Love

Unapologetic

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I lie at your feet like a begging child.

Hoping and praying that you’ll love me back.

I scratch at your back door like a stray cat,

Waiting for a morsel of affection.

I unapologetically give my all…

Imprudent and weak,

Feeble like a branch

And continuously in amazement of

What you have the power to do to me.

Sorrowfully disappointed with what I

Allow and ceaselessly accept.

I lie under your arm and

Listen to the sound of you existing…

Taking you in each time I inhale,

Exhaling expectations and things I deserve

Because I unapologetically love you

More than I.

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You.

I lie next to you, watching your chest rise and fall with every shallow breath you take. You sleep soundly and peacefully, but I am paralyzed. My courage is rendered useless against my aching heart, beating only for you. I want the courage to walk, to run, to flee into the wind and taste the freedom of breathing without it hurting. I lie next to you, fighting the urge to cover your mouth with mine…line your lips with my tongue.

Hate him. Hate him.

I can’t. I can’t do anything but taste the resentment in my tears as they fall, fall, fall…building a wall between us that sooner or later, I will tear down. I lie next to you, broken and weak, surrendering the best parts of me to you and giving myself the remnants I don’t dare share with your light.

Leave.

And then what, I ponder. If I do, I’ll continue to be trapped within the bounds of my deep emotions, all of them spelling out your name. My thoughts imprisoning me with images of your smile…your beauty. I am defining insanity by continuing to give you peace while I run myself ragged, but I am stuck. I am frozen. I am awed at my fear of taking a single breath without you by my side. I watch you breathe deeply, wondering what tales are unfolding in the four corners of your curious little mind. A scream is caught in the back of my throat, a blow is trapped inside of fists, a better version of me lies within…but all I want to do is love you. I want to wrap your arms around me and feel your heart beating against my back. I want you more than I want me.

You’re crazy.

I know, I know. I’m weak, soft and foolish, defining insanity by lying here breathing while you torture me unknowingly. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I lie here. Paralyzed. Crazed. Afraid.

Hopeless.

In love.

Words

Sometimes I feel like no one can ever truly love me.

So when someone finally does, it’s like…

Really?

Well then, you must be the only one

And I must latch on to you before you realize that the sun has gone.

And as if the shades have been drawn,

Darkness has overcome, and that’s what was won.

But actually, it’s ‘who’ because the darkness is me.

Perhaps my mind has been brewed like coffee beans,

Because I believe that I’m screwed so up

That down looks like freedom.

It feels like it make sense, so when you say you love me

It’s like… are you sure?

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never let anyone truly love me.

The words sound so foreign when they tumble out of your mouth.

Doing kickstands and cartwheels, backhand springs of,

“You’re so beautiful”, hand stands based on “I’ll never leave you,”

Looking for the twinkle in my eyes as your tongue dances

While you reveal your love to I…

Am so messed up that I can’t even believe you.

It’s not you, it’s me and the thoughts that won’t let me breathe.

The ones that suffocate me with threads of hate, weaved

So intricately that even those of Ariadne couldn’t compete.

I try to resurface each time you open your mouth,

Each time I look into your eyes and the corners of your mouth raise up

With brightness and hope that perhaps…

I’m normal.

But the thoughts…

The persistence of this self-deprecation is much too strong

For your words laced with beauty.

They outnumber the “I love you’s”

That are seemingly dipped in diamonds and jewelry.

They rise up with vengeance and armor to combat your devotion to me.

So… again, I drown.

Again, I fall.

Again, I believe that you are just speaking.

That you are just trying to trap me into believing

That you, a person, a whole other soul could actually love me.

Now you’re just being mean.

I don’t believe you because I don’t believe me

When I say that I love someone like I…

Who is so messed up.

Screwed so up that my vision of freedom

Has now become distorted.

A.N. – This is more so a spoken word piece so while reading, the flow may feel off. Try to take pauses as you go along and allow the seemingly misuse of sentence structure be an element of poetry used at my whim.

Evanescence

They sat on her front steps consumed by a loud quieting of emotions as the streets that lied before and beyond buzzed and roared with an excitement that escaped them. Neither of them had uttered a word since leaving the restaurant, but their silence spoke the truth they’d long been afraid to face. Lina always thought this moment would be filled with tears and hugs, along with the inability to let go, but all she felt was peace. It wasn’t unwelcomed, but it also wasn’t expected. She looked over at Dixon to find him gazing at her thoughtfully. Smirking, Lina grabbed his hand and turned away. They both sighed. Her mind travelled back to the start of their relationship and how they met. Closing her eyes, Lina imagined the way his hands used to feel on her back; always warm and always inviting the most vulnerable parts of her to come alive. She remembered how the sound of his laughter made her want to repeat the same joke ten times over again just so he’d make that same lovely sound. So she’d feel his body trembling, his eyes twinkling and ultimate contentment shining through his cracks and edges. Even in that moment, broken and filled with a promised life that would never come to fruition, she still felt an ease and comfortability she feared wouldn’t be found in another person. Right then, Lina desired the taste of his lips. She looked back over at him and squeezed his hand, beckoning his attention. When their eyes met, Lina’s mouth formed a small smile that she hoped would be reciprocated. Instead, Dixon sighed and said, “This is depressing.”

As if containing a mind of their own, Lina’s shoulders slumped and her hands slowly released their hold on Dixon’s. He protested and tried to revive the intimacy in that moment, but with three small words, it had disappeared.

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

8:36

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There was once a time in my life
When I thought you were the one.
But I slowly began to realize
That I was coming undone.
Crumbling bit by narrowing bit..
Tumbling down your rabbit hole.
You made me weak.
You offered me a reality so shiny
That in turn became bleak..
So bleak, it shut me down
&I became silent&meek.
I shunned my own mind..
Feared my possibilities.
Simply because I thought that if
My light shined brighter than yours..
You’d leave me for an eternity
That I refused to withstand.
Why did you do this to me?
I offered you my spirit,
My whole heart&soul..
Thinking you would endear it.
Thinking you would cherish it..
Hold it tight&never let it go.
But you did.
I let you break it down
&throw it to the wind.
We watched in unison as it
Flew to the sky..up in the mighty
Clouds&ultimately disappeared into
The places of the universe that
We can never see…
&I stood there wondering what I
Could’ve ever done for you to
Want to ruin me.

Letting Go

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There is no greater agony than being unable to escape something you so desperately want to separate yourself from. Perhaps there is, I know there is, but the feeling washing me over me refuses to acknowledge anything else. I want to leave, but you won’t let me out of your sight. At each and every turn, your chaos finds ways to override my silence, bringing forth mental screams of anger and deep, deep loathing. Please, go away. I no longer wish to support you and your words, your vicious ability to make me rue the day you were born. Something quite unlike me, I’m not hateful by any means. But somehow, you bring that out in me. Somehow, you make me wish I could disappear, leave you wondering where we went wrong. You are where we went wrong, and you alone. I’d love it if you allowed me to breathe the way I’d like. Inhaling with the sun, exhaling with the moon, no signs of you, no chances of your return. Instead, before my eyes even greet dawns presence, it is you who I see. Your hands wrapped tightly around my neck, taking any light and life away from me. Is that what you’d like? Would you just like the satisfaction of knowing you’ve won? If so, I’ll do you one better and submit my resignation. You win, I lose, just let me go..let me breathe. I no longer wish to be caged by your seemingly endless needs. Just…
Let me breathe.

Cycles

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I still smell you in my sheets.
I still see your arm intertwined with mine..
Lying comfortably as if we
Weren’t living in an alternate reality.

The sun rose
&swallowed our secrets whole..
You were gone.
&eventually, I was too.
It seems that’s a side effect of love;
A piece of you will never actually belong
To you again.

Ironically, no piece of you
Could ever belong to me.

Yet, I await
Your torturous return.
So I could feel those arms..
Smell your skin.
&Relive my sordid tragedy.

Sundays

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I miss the days when I was brave. The days when impulse and random occurrences ruled my life. Adrenaline raced through my veins, and let me just say, I was having a blast. During a conversation with a friend today, she shared that she wished it was the 70’s so she could really enjoy her life. I agreed and said that I would also love that because then, I could really enjoy my life, do what I want and truly not care. Then I wondered..when did I stop living? And more importantly, why do I feel like I can’t? I’m 21 years old, I’m healthy, I don’t have any major attachments. Why do I feel like my whole life has to be calculated and why the hell do I feel this pressure to be so settled right now? I don’t know when I got so scared. I’ve always been worrisome, but today I truly realized just how much my worrying interrupts the natural process of my life. Things should be fun, right? I know they can’t be all the time, but most of the time they should be.

“You gotta let it go. Please let it go.” The Gospel Whiskey Runners- A Stone’s Throw Away

Right as I finished typing that last sentence, that exact line played. I promise that just happened.

Here’s to good&bad decisions that make life as interesting as it is. And to stepping out of our comfort zones….And to not getting too stuck on life’s hang ups..because being happy feels really good.

Lola

A friend asked me recently why I love my cat:

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I find her watching me from a corner somewhere in my room. People who’ve seen this actually happen always think it’s weird or creepy. I’ve actually had a friend tell me that it like has something to do with voodoo. That if a cat stares at you in that way, they’re stealing fragments of your soul. I think that’s bullshit. When I see her staring at me like that, I laugh and tell her to go to sleep. I think she’s just watching me to protect me. To make sure that I haven’t left her. To make sure I’m alive and that we’re still together. When I get home from anywhere, she hears the door and rushes down the stairs and walks right into me. She’s not the friendliest cat so it’s hard to tell people of her greatness, but she’s really sweet. She’s just really cautious. Lol she’s fiesty and has a little attitude, but that’s what makes her so awesome. She stands up for herself. I love that she isn’t another person who will tell me how wrong I am and how fucked up I am…she just loves me for who I am, it’s easy with her. Her face makes me melt. The way she curls up next to me sometimes, the way she meows at me when I’ve been sleeping for too long, the way she sleeps when I sleep and wakes up when I wake up…the way we’re so in sync. If I’m taking a shower or just in the bathroom, she’s right there in corner waiting for me. If she happens to have been left outside, she either meows at the door until I open up or she waits for me outside the door. She can be really annoying because she doesn’t always listen and she’s so adventurous, but for the most part, she’s the best thing ever. Did I mention she’s hilarious? She does this thing where she’ll be walking and then will just randomly throw herself to the ground like, “Omg what a long day I’ve had.” It so funny. Most of the time when anyone calls her, she’ll meow. It’s not like a meow like she’s answering you because you called her, it’s like an annoyed meow, like, “Ugh! What do you people want!” Lmao she probably can’t take me seriously because I’m always laughing at her.

Me- “Lola, get down! Get off the counter!”
Her- “Meeeoooow! *quietly* meow.”
Translation: You’re so annoying! Asshole.
Then I start to laugh.

Whenever I’m sad, whenever I’ve had a rough time, she’s right there to lay with me. She’s right there to accept me. If I forget to give her water or give her food, she doesn’t hate me. She just waits because she knows I’ll do it sooner or later. I love how she smells me sometimes. She’ll come right up to me and sniff my face, my mouth, or under my nose as if to ask, “what did you have for dinner? Is that chicken I smell?” She can be really impossible and sometimes I want to throw her out of a window, but when she’s gone, I long for her to meow endlessly until I do what she wants. She’s very controlling, but we compromise. We don’t get up at 6 when she wants, nor at 8 when I want, so we wake up at 7. She has a really tight bond with my little brother and she’s able to form those bonds with anyone who is sweet and playful with her. But it won’t happen right away. She has to warm up to you. She has to know she can trust you. I think we’re different though. I used to travel a lot and I’d have to leave her for a few days at a time, maybe a week, and when I got home, she would definitely make it known that she was mad at me. She would make me work for her affection and I always got a kick out of it. She’s perfect and I think she thinks I’m perfect too. I love her because she’s grown to become my very best friend. We fight, but we always make up and never go to sleep upset with each other. If she senses that I’m angry, she’ll crawl all over me. She’ll try to walk on my face, lay on my chest, get all up in my space and she knows I can’t resist that. It’s funny though because she hates people in her space. She hates kisses. She loves getting rubbed down in various places, but no kisses. She’ll always let me kiss her for a few minutes and then she’ll get up like, “Okay, that’s enough.” It makes me laugh every time. I’m a hugger and kisser so she has to deal with it. I grab her face a lot and force kisses on her and I grab her and cuddle her a lot. I love her because she came to me at a very rough time in life and we made it through together. I love her because she’s always there to listen, because she’s beautiful inside and out, and because I never have to question our love and our friendship. She’s what I look forward to coming home to, I see her in my future, and I daydream of her sweet face sleeping her little life away. As I write this, I’m lying on the couch and she’s laying on my head. I’m gonna go upstairs to shower and whenever I walk away from her, I anticipate the sound of her little paws running after after me.
“Hey, wait up!”

Oh, Lola, my Lola.