theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Loneliness, Despair

Butterfly

The unpredictability of love is what scares me. You’re like a butterfly; fluttering and showcasing your beauty effortlessly while we all gaze in amazement, watching with awed expressions as you manage to escape us all, yet leave us all wondering how we can capture your essence. I mustn’t look for things my brain isn’t capable of handling, but I can’t help but wonder why you won’t come to me. In reality, you are the tainted, poisonous knife that has been thrusted into my side. You twist and then you turn, you flip and then you slide…deeper and deeper until I’m made aware of your inevitability of simply stay still. And then, you move along…you move along with time and everything else is left behind. So, allow me to do the honors before the pain you caused does. Allow me to release the demons that I leave behind closed doors. Because you push..&you push. You beg to awaken the creatures of pensive sadness within me, so if I must, I will oblige. Little butterfly, so beautiful and untouchable. I watch from afar imagining what it would be like, just for one second, to be your wind and your sky. Just for a moment, I imagine what it would be like to be enough for you…except the moment fades. You leave my shoulder and move on into the great wonders of our universe…leaving me watching, awed and flustered by my inability to move..on.

Journal

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Whenever I love something or someone too much, I always fear that it’ll get taken away from me. Just now, I was looking at pictures of my cat and naturally, being the creep that I am, I started thinking of what my life would be like without her. I know that at some point, we won’t be able to be together and when that does happen, my life will go on. Life always goes on. The thing is, though, I have a really hard time letting go. I often daydream about my mother dying. I see my life crashing and burning, the pain twisting it’s poisonous knife in my body over and over again until I eventually kill myself. I daydream about what it would be like if I no longer had my sister around me…or if I’m dating someone, I constantly worry and fear for the end of our relationship. I really, really…really don’t like to let go of things. I don’t ever want to be in bed without Lola. I cringe at the thought that a day will come where she isn’t around to crawl on me, curl up next to me or smell my face. It’s scary, you know? The idea that nothing is of certain. The fact that we aren’t guaranteed anything in life, but death. That is all our one true common factor; we’re all gonna fucking die. And I’m okay with that. Maybe if we all just died at the same time it’d be easier?

When you’re used to losing things, you kind of start to think that everything else will follow the rotten trend as well. You begin to believe that you’re doomed to a world of perpetual sadness, eternal solitude, and…silence. Not the good kind, either. The kind that’ll drive you crazy and make you do anything for the slightest indication of human life around you. I don’t want to lose anymore than I already have, and when I look around at all the people I’m afraid of losing, I almost wish I wasn’t burdened with loving them at all. Yes, I’d much rather love and lose than to miss out on an experience so phenomenal and fulfilling, but the pain that ensues is something I can live without.

But then again, what’s life without pain?
This shit is overrated, I swear.

11:20

The emptiness is screaming.
It was once a shy whisper
That evolved to a dull sound..
Penetrating my mind
Every waking second.
It fears my naïveté is overtaking
My control..
But did I have any to begin with?
I ached to feel something.
I yearned for the evolution of my
Expectations..
To be taken from fantasy to reality.
But then, the emptiness.
It loomed.
It rested on my shoulder…
Creeped into my thoughts
&told me to run.
“There’s nothing for you here,”
It said.
Making itself crystal clear
That I should replace my wants
With a deep, red fear.
Because as was warned..
There is only brokenness
Behind the doors I so wish to open.

Hello, Goodbye

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Goodbye to love.
Goodbye to life.
Goodbye to breathing.
Hello to mourning.
You are gone&part of me is too.
My world is now blue.
&I feel so askew.
Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to us.
Goodbye to love.
Hello to heartbreak.
This pain I can’t take.
My future seems to be at stake.
For my life I do want to end
Because all this loneliness is turning into a horrid trend.
Goodbye to happiness.
Goodbye to love songs.
Goodbye to memories.
Hello to life.

– I was rifling through my old poetry and I think I wrote this when I was about 16. Maybe 15. My poetry was so dark then. I was so depressed. I’m not as deep into my depression as I was then, but a lot of my work still applies to my life. This, though, stuck out the most. It actually completely describes this entire year so far. I’ve been introduced to a kind of pain I never thought I’d have to meet. But in that process, I met strength I thought I’d never have. I’ve had to say goodbye more times than I’ve ever had to, and these last few weeks, I’ve kind of said goodbye to myself. Hello to a new me. I’ve been speechless lately. I never know what to say, I never care to say anything. My heart has been broken from losing the most important person in my life, and with him gone, I might never be the same again. A piece of me has died. More like a chunk. I’ve been dealing it with well.

“I lost my mind long ago down that yellow brick road.”

When I wrote this, I’m sure some guy broke my heart or something but it’s clearly insignificant because I can’t even remember. This is different though. I’ll remember this pain forever for both good and bad reasons. This person has disappeared from my life and he took my peace with him. In any case, I’ve enjoyed being speechless. It’s given my life an eerie silence and I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to do anything. I just want to..be. So, hello and goodbye to life.

I was pretty wise then. Dark, but wise.

3:51

To be filled with so much doubt,
So much angst.
To be constantly feeling every curve
Of the anticipation you create.
To feel everything,
Anything
At all times..
It’s tiring, it hurts.
It spells and smells
Of defeat.
It leads to dead ends
With lonely, rusted signs
Awaiting the return
Of the person who thought
It was all gone.
Except it’s not.
Feelings will always dredge up
The unwanted..
Anything.
This doubt is eating me,
I’m fighting myself,
Choking the hell out of my own life
And I patiently await the day it stops..
But perhaps the madness
Has only just begun.

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They beg to heard.
The silence is screeching,
&my ears are bleeding.

So crucial is the feeling,
It slams against you until
Your attention has been sought,
Until you have nothing left
To do but…
Listen.

So you do.
You listen to the screaming voices,
The words dripping in blood
Forcing you to believe that
You’re not good enough.
That you will never..
Be exceptional.

It’s a tale of two lovers..
Drawn to each other
Like sick, twisted addicts.
A tale of two lovers,
Where only one survives.
Chances are it isn’t you.

Because now, you’ve listened.
You lost all control
&allowed your mind to be seized
By everything dark,
Everything that shelters
The one thing that can kill you.

So you lock yourself up..
Shed a gallon of tears about..
About how this world
Wants to eat you up.

What you don’t understand is that
It wants to eat us all.
But you’re only seeing you.
I guess that’s what they say,
That you always just see yourself.
You’re always the victim.

Now, you’re holding a piece of glass
That you got from the mirror
You broke.
You’re slicing..&slicing..
Until there is nothing left of you.

Emotionally..
Mentally..
You’d departed years ago.

Except now,
You’ve finally succumbed
To the voices.
And as it turns out,
They’ve landed you in a place
Where you can’t hear anything.
Not even them.

Even though..
They convinced you
That they were all you had.

Gasping For Air

I still search for you in the darkness,
Only to realize that you’re no longer there.
I still hope that you’re within my reach,
But it’s quite apparent that you no longer care.
We’ve been nothing short of tumultuous,
Leaving behind a trail of slicing words, bruised emotions,
&irreparable damage.
Yet, I still search for you in the corners of my mind,
Hoping to find any indication that we might have a pulse..
I feel I might always be reliant towards you,
Waiting for you to catch me when I fall…
But I’ve opened my eyes, I’ve unblocked my mind..
I’ve let myself be free to believe
That you are no longer the person you once were.
Whatever we had, whatever was there…
Has undoubtedly been squandered by broken dreams..
We’ve stepped on the glass left behind, emitting nightmares
And sorrowful screams.
We’ve forgotten who we were and pass by slyly
On pins and needles…waiting for the other to crack.
But in the back of mind, something tells me to leave.
It tells me to retrieve my emotional belongings…
Place them somewhere else and simply move on.
Because to fully express myself towards you,
I’d like to say that anyone who makes me feel like a burden…
Will be rewarded with our flicker of light,
As dim as it may be,
Being diminished indefinitely
So that I might finally have the courage to breathe

Silence

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“I haven’t really slept in weeks. Months, maybe. It feels like I lie awake in the middle of the night as a pool of sweat forms around me. I drown in it. Not really, but I wish I actually could. Nothing really seems the same anymore, it feels like I’m not a person. It feels like…it feels…I can’t even tell you. I try to feel so much, but I feel nothing. I’m bland. The other day I was walking home from the store and I walked right in from of a taxi cab without realizing. I just have tunnel vision sometimes, you know? It happened so damn fast. Everything has been going…way too fast. It’s scary. The guy ran out of his cab and just yelled at me. Really, really yelled at me. I stood there looking back blankly, then when he was done, I walked away. People looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I am crazy. I just chalked it up to him having a bad day…maybe I made it worse. I tend to do that. You know how in movies sometimes, they’ll like have the person, the main person…is that the protagonist or the antagonist? Don’t answer that, I’m not sure I care. Anyway, in the movie, the person will be walking through a crowd of people, and life around them is moving so quickly, but you don’t hear anything. You can see the disdain on their face, the music is cancelling everything out, the world around them is a blur, and they don’t care. That’s what it feels like sometimes. Like I’m walking through the city and everyone is just going and going. So fast. Too fast. Like, stop…try not to move for a second because we miss things. We don’t see things happen, we mess things up…you know..it just..it makes me want to scream. That’s what’s been happening to me lately. I just want to scream all the time. When the cabby yelled at me, I wanted to scream..but I didn’t. I don’t. I never do. I stay quiet because people don’t really care. The people who do…well. We treat those people like shit.”

‘What is it that you’d like to scream?”

“My mom died in front of me and I don’t know what do now.”

The Trouble In..

I’m finding it to be quite difficult to take part in your happiness…
You see, my world is in shambles.
My heart is scattered..lying on the floor
In a million tiny pieces…
&beside it is my mind.
At the moment, all I can register
Is this burning pain..
This morbid desire to remain
Insane..
Because I’ve concluded that
I’ll always be the same.
Please don’t misunderstand,
I am happy that you’re happy.
Just…don’t ask me to smile.
I might not be able to muster the
Strength to endure your…joy.
But I feel it on the inside,
I promise.

Where the sun shines for you,
The rain has decided to release..on me.
It has decided to set itself free..
It’s knocked down a few of my trees,
Leaving me branches and twigs..
Shards of broken glass..
Holes in a few walls..
Blood spatter on sidewalks.
The universe is undergoing
A few changes…&I understand that
I must be patient…
But while things work well for you,
Just..please don’t ask me to smile.

On the inside, I shine when you shine..
I laugh along with the beauty of
The sound of your own laughter..
&I beam at you..
The way your eyes twinkle..
Not like stars, but like lights
On Christmas trees..
Happiness flowing&glowing all throughout.
I feel these things, I promise.
The way I love you,
It would almost be a sin if I didn’t..
But it’s apparent that I might
Love myself a little more..
Because right now,
I cannot smile for you.

Wine Glass Reflections

There comes a moment when you realize just how alone you are.

She has him, he has her, they have each other, and you…

Well, you have you.

That’s not entirely a terrible thing to have yourself to rely on

Because what many don’t realize is that…

You can make you happy.

You can make yourself sad, disappointed, you can make yourself cry

Make yourself feel like limits don’t exist, not even in the sky..

Simply because it’s you.

You know who you are, what you like, what you feel

No need for pointless explanations, or sorrowful apologies…

You will always understand.

You hold your happiness in the palm of your hands, you’ll let yourself in…

You won’t step on your feelings,

Make yourself ashamed or…embarrassed for what you want,

It’s just you.

There’s something quite peaceful in realizing

That the only thing loving you back besides you

Is the wine swishing in your glass,

Maybe what you had for dinner last…

But you have a tighter grip on yourself than a necklace clasp…

You love you more than the people in your life who seem to just pass,

By and then leave without saying goodbye

They go from hot to cold

Not much longer after that first hi,

And that’s okay…because you have you.

And as I write this solemnly, sadly, wistfully…

This is perhaps the loneliest I’ve felt in some time,

And as the wine in my glass stares back at me,

Waiting patiently to become…nothing.

I realize that I won’t dwell.

I won’t allow my brain to swell,

Or tears to form a puddle, not even a well

Of angst in honor of the pooling loneliness…

I’ll just sit here.

I will sit in the darkness, maybe the light.

I’ll continue to befriend the words that I write,

And that will be all…so simply..

Goodnight.