theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Life

Numb.

A box filled with anguish landed in my palms today.

Suppressed feelings of dreariness emerged and down the black hole I went,

Spiraling down into obscurity.

This cocoon of gloom never strays because it knows I never will.

I may flirt with tranquility, fluttering my wings into communities of others who don’t feel like me,

My doubt is pushed past, my fear ignored,

But the many masks of a dancing fool can never truly disguise

The numbness.

 

On the outside, I am holding onto a fantasy with bleeding fingers.

All the while, Emptiness cheers.

She twists and shouts along to the music of Hopelessness.

Somberness grabs Rejection, leads her into a dip

And my nausea sets in.

The spotlight shines on Burden and Grief as they

Seemingly float across my heart,

And the crowd goes wild.

I take deep breaths and try again to ignore

The boom and bass of Brokenness’ drum as it

Creates an entrance for the shrill cymbal of Numbness.

But the whole gang erupts in celebration, and I become small.

 

I melt into the box and allow myself to find comfort

In the most consistent emotion I try so hard to conceal.

The numbness breathes life into me and I oblige.

It reminds me I am nothing, and I harbor it in my head.

Deeper and deeper, down into the emptiness,

Tumbling past my corpse of what was

And falling into a pit of what currently is.

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Unapologetic

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I lie at your feet like a begging child.

Hoping and praying that you’ll love me back.

I scratch at your back door like a stray cat,

Waiting for a morsel of affection.

I unapologetically give my all…

Imprudent and weak,

Feeble like a branch

And continuously in amazement of

What you have the power to do to me.

Sorrowfully disappointed with what I

Allow and ceaselessly accept.

I lie under your arm and

Listen to the sound of you existing…

Taking you in each time I inhale,

Exhaling expectations and things I deserve

Because I unapologetically love you

More than I.

You.

I lie next to you, watching your chest rise and fall with every shallow breath you take. You sleep soundly and peacefully, but I am paralyzed. My courage is rendered useless against my aching heart, beating only for you. I want the courage to walk, to run, to flee into the wind and taste the freedom of breathing without it hurting. I lie next to you, fighting the urge to cover your mouth with mine…line your lips with my tongue.

Hate him. Hate him.

I can’t. I can’t do anything but taste the resentment in my tears as they fall, fall, fall…building a wall between us that sooner or later, I will tear down. I lie next to you, broken and weak, surrendering the best parts of me to you and giving myself the remnants I don’t dare share with your light.

Leave.

And then what, I ponder. If I do, I’ll continue to be trapped within the bounds of my deep emotions, all of them spelling out your name. My thoughts imprisoning me with images of your smile…your beauty. I am defining insanity by continuing to give you peace while I run myself ragged, but I am stuck. I am frozen. I am awed at my fear of taking a single breath without you by my side. I watch you breathe deeply, wondering what tales are unfolding in the four corners of your curious little mind. A scream is caught in the back of my throat, a blow is trapped inside of fists, a better version of me lies within…but all I want to do is love you. I want to wrap your arms around me and feel your heart beating against my back. I want you more than I want me.

You’re crazy.

I know, I know. I’m weak, soft and foolish, defining insanity by lying here breathing while you torture me unknowingly. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I lie here. Paralyzed. Crazed. Afraid.

Hopeless.

In love.

Loss.

I feel like I’m losing everything. I think despite everything that has happened within the last year or so, I’ve done pretty well with containing my emotions and not allowing it to stop my progress. Though, there are nights like tonight when it really just seems like everything has crashed and burned. On February 11th, my cat had a stroke. I dropped her off at the veterinarian so she could get spayed and I wish I could say that I had a bad feeling about it or like I felt like I was making a mistake, but I felt relieved. I was relieved that she would stop peeing in the house, that she wouldn’t go through heat anymore, and that I wouldn’t have to worry about her going out and getting pregnant. A few hours before I was told I’d have to pick her up, I received a call from her doctor and she told me they encountered a few issues during the surgery. When I got there, I thought my cat was dead. Her little eyes were staring blankly at the ceiling, and they were void of any vitality or buoyancy. She was hooked up to an IV, she had bandages around her little leg, and she looked so fucking dead. Right there in that moment, I felt my heart break. I felt it shrivel up and die inside of me. She couldn’t walk, she couldn’t see, she couldn’t meow, she couldn’t do anything. She wasn’t Lola. She was there, I could see her. But she wasn’t Lola. For the next two weeks, I lived in that hospital. I came in everyday, stayed until they closed, and I tried to get back what they took from her.

Things have gotten better, but they’re not what I’d like them to be. She’s still blind, she still has trouble walking and keeping herself upright, I can only give her water through a syringe, she still doesn’t meow, and she doesn’t know how to use her litter box anymore. There’s a bunch of other shit, but those are the major issues I’ve having trouble dealing with. You can imagine what my room smells like. Anyway, tonight is particularly torturous because she’s been having seizures all day. There’s medicine she’s supposed to take for that, but what I have here for her isn’t working. I can’t refill her prescription without the doctor signing off on it and she definitely would have, but I don’t even have any money to pay for her medicine. I sit here and I watch her die a little bit more each and every day and it just hurts so bad. I can’t explain the pain that courses through me every single day, but I imagine it’s worse for her. Everything about her is so sensitive now so I’m always worried something will happen to her. Maybe her lungs will collapse, or maybe she’ll die in her sleep, or maybe…maybe I’m killing her. I know this wasn’t my fault but it feels like it. When Lola came into my life, it felt like she saved me. I didn’t feel alone anymore because I had her, and she had me. I’m not at ashamed to say that she’s my best friend, but what happens when you’re faced with the decision to kill your best fucking friend? These last two weeks have not been easy. My mom has a heart condition and she was hospitalized last week because of it. During that, I would leave my house very early in the morning and come back late at night. I’d come home in the middle of the day, but Lola wasn’t receiving the care she deserved. That’s when I began toying around with the idea that I should euthanize her. And even just saying that, like are fucking kidding me? First, I lose my relationship, then I lose my dad, and now I have to figure out if I should kill my fucking cat? It’s just too much. I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel like I’m breaking into two pieces and I don’t care to salvage it. But I have to because I have school and work and my future and all this bullshit that I have to constantly fucking worry about when I just want to die all the time. I don’t want to feel this anymore. Most of my day has consisted of holding Lola as her tiny little body just convulsed and acted with a mind of its own. I know she wishes to be running up and down our house like she used to, playing around with anything that catches her eye, curling up to me at the end of the night so we can go to sleep.

I still curl up with her now and it feels just as real and amazing as it did before. Sometimes when we’re sleeping, she’ll try to resist the cuddle but then she’ll fall into it and just let herself go. She’ll nestle her little head into my neck and just lay there. But I never get the sense that she’s lying there peacefully. She always has this far-away look in her eyes and it’s like she’s thinking of her old life and that breaks my heart. Whenever she has a seizure, there’ll be a moment right before she breaks out into the full thing and she’ll look around frantically for me. I go to her and pick her up and kiss her everywhere but it’s like she’s begging me to make it stop. She’s waiting for her mom to protect her and I can’t. I can’t do anything for her because I took her life away from her. I’ve always imagined Lola in my future, and now that there’s a really big possibility of that not happening, I don’t really know how to make sense of anything. She’s such a good girl. She doesn’t deserve this. I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you, Lola. I’m so, so sorry.

Feeling defeated.

Evanescence

They sat on her front steps consumed by a loud quieting of emotions as the streets that lied before and beyond buzzed and roared with an excitement that escaped them. Neither of them had uttered a word since leaving the restaurant, but their silence spoke the truth they’d long been afraid to face. Lina always thought this moment would be filled with tears and hugs, along with the inability to let go, but all she felt was peace. It wasn’t unwelcomed, but it also wasn’t expected. She looked over at Dixon to find him gazing at her thoughtfully. Smirking, Lina grabbed his hand and turned away. They both sighed. Her mind travelled back to the start of their relationship and how they met. Closing her eyes, Lina imagined the way his hands used to feel on her back; always warm and always inviting the most vulnerable parts of her to come alive. She remembered how the sound of his laughter made her want to repeat the same joke ten times over again just so he’d make that same lovely sound. So she’d feel his body trembling, his eyes twinkling and ultimate contentment shining through his cracks and edges. Even in that moment, broken and filled with a promised life that would never come to fruition, she still felt an ease and comfortability she feared wouldn’t be found in another person. Right then, Lina desired the taste of his lips. She looked back over at him and squeezed his hand, beckoning his attention. When their eyes met, Lina’s mouth formed a small smile that she hoped would be reciprocated. Instead, Dixon sighed and said, “This is depressing.”

As if containing a mind of their own, Lina’s shoulders slumped and her hands slowly released their hold on Dixon’s. He protested and tried to revive the intimacy in that moment, but with three small words, it had disappeared.

Echo

Your voice echoes in my dreams.

The sound of your laughter haunts me

And finds me in each dream sequence

Making sure to remind me that’s the only place

It’ll ever frequent.

The sight of you is now fuzzy and gray.

It has disappeared in the restless fray,

Beside you and my heart…

Which are all along for the joyride

That continues to destroy the state of my being.

I feel you within me in some moments.

But in others,

You are what you’ve become

And that is when I unravel

And become undone.

Your voice…

It echoes in my dreams.

It slowly withers away

As the sun rises and dreamland fades,

New thoughts emerge,

But they drown in the waves of

Everything that depraves me

Of normalcy.

So I sit. And I wait.

For the sound of your voice

To romanticize my mind

Until dawns early light

Allows me to wake.

And you, yet again, manage to escape

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

7:55

On the outside, I’m functioning. I walk, talk, breathe and speak like the rest of the people in this world, but on the inside, I’m curled up in a dark corner. I haven’t moved an inch from my rusting, dingy post since last fall, and every time I think I might’ve slayed the dragon within, it finds a way to pull me back in. It speaks to me in a low, coarse tone, expanding the shrill fear that is embedded in my blood. It furthers my sick belief in the validity of my insecurities, and then, I am stuck. I am left rocking back and forth in the corner of my mind while I smile and wave politely at the onlookers from here to those beyond. But on the inside, I’m drowning and sinking in an ocean of doubt and self-hatred, and it feels so…good here. I’ve cried sordid tears of blood for years, and over time, those tears have formed a batch of their own, forging the self-destruction that was created at the hand of my own knife. So really, this is all I know. I might even call it home. I often wonder what life was like before I allowed my brain and my innocence to crumble under the tyranny of my weaknesses. When did I stop fighting the good fight, only to go to war against myself? I’ve called to the gods of the world begging for a life other than mine. Perhaps a bird who is unrestricted by all other than the limits of the sky. Or maybe, a shoe, or a pair of eyes to see the beauty in all things dreary, ears to hear the music in all that has been silenced. If just for a moment, I could not be me, perhaps I’d understand how I allowed the demise of my soul. Everywhere you look, there are magical words of wisdom and encouragement that are supposed to raise you up from the ashes of a hypothetical death, make you shiny and pretty, and then send you off into the world to be brand new. A “new you!” they say. What they fail to understand is that when you’ve squelched your own light by choking it with the darkness residing within, there aren’t any amount of adjectives and verbs that will make you love yourself. There isn’t a step-by-step guide on how to wake up every day and not want to die. Just once, I want to look at myself and be grateful for my existence. I want to relish the accolades that I’ve redeemed rather than be misunderstanding of how a person so emotionally and mentally distraught could be worthy of such things. Ah, and there it is. The truth has spilled out. I am completely unworthy and undeserving of life and breath, but for some reason, I am still here. There is a war going on at the top of my staircase, and a small child looks on with glassy, hopeless eyes. She gazes at the filth before her and understands that life will never be the same. And right in front of the gun-toting, blood-stained monster, she kills herself before it killed her. Knowing she’d never win was more than she could bear.

Hmm…

How do you all feel about church? Do you attend weekly, monthly, annually, or only on special holidays? Does going to church make you feel closer to God? Do you feel absolved of your sins when you go to church?

I’m Seventh-Day Adventist and on Saturdays, we celebrate (?), maybe partake (I’ve never quite known how to say that) in the Sabbath and we go to church. I’ve been SDA my whole life, I’ve been to a lot of churches, I’ve seen a lot of shit. So much so that at this point in my life, many years ago actually, I realized that church isn’t exactly at the top of my list of places I’d like to go. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate church. What I appreciate the most about church is that for many people, it serves as a safe haven. You come there, you feel welcomed, you feel accepted, and you feel whole. That’s not always the experience, but more often than not, that’s how it is and how it feels. You feel free to talk to God about everything, divulge the dirty details of your thoughts (even though He already knows them) and be completely honest about whatever it is you’re trying to hide deep down. I’ve come across some amazing people in church, and it’s cool, but…it’s just not my…thing? Here’s the problem though. I’ve grown up in this religion, I’ve been held to the standards that this religion projects, and it has kind of led me astray. Not even just mine, religion as a whole. For example, I don’t feel like going to church this morning. I go with my family every Saturday, but today, I just don’t want to go. Yet, I feel very guilty. I feel like I’m sinning and I know that in just a few moments, my mother is going to come in my room and lecture me about how I have time for everything else, but can’t give God a few hours of my time. And in a way, she’s right, but that’s not what it is. Some conservative Christians are under the impression that the only way you can find God and be with God is if you go to church. As if God only roams the halls of holy sanctities. Some forget that God lives and exists in all of us. He’s everywhere! I don’t think that sitting in a pew and listening to a “man of God” tell me how the end is near and that I need to solidify my relationship with Christ will actually bring me closer to Christ. I believe in defining moments. I believe that daily instances will show Gods face more than anything else. But yet, I still feel guilty. That, of course, has to do a lot with my upbringing, but I don’t know. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong, but am I? Is it possible to manage, or lead, a healthy life of spirituality and adhere to the ideals of your faith without going to church?

8:36

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There was once a time in my life
When I thought you were the one.
But I slowly began to realize
That I was coming undone.
Crumbling bit by narrowing bit..
Tumbling down your rabbit hole.
You made me weak.
You offered me a reality so shiny
That in turn became bleak..
So bleak, it shut me down
&I became silent&meek.
I shunned my own mind..
Feared my possibilities.
Simply because I thought that if
My light shined brighter than yours..
You’d leave me for an eternity
That I refused to withstand.
Why did you do this to me?
I offered you my spirit,
My whole heart&soul..
Thinking you would endear it.
Thinking you would cherish it..
Hold it tight&never let it go.
But you did.
I let you break it down
&throw it to the wind.
We watched in unison as it
Flew to the sky..up in the mighty
Clouds&ultimately disappeared into
The places of the universe that
We can never see…
&I stood there wondering what I
Could’ve ever done for you to
Want to ruin me.