theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Home

Unapologetic

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I lie at your feet like a begging child.

Hoping and praying that you’ll love me back.

I scratch at your back door like a stray cat,

Waiting for a morsel of affection.

I unapologetically give my all…

Imprudent and weak,

Feeble like a branch

And continuously in amazement of

What you have the power to do to me.

Sorrowfully disappointed with what I

Allow and ceaselessly accept.

I lie under your arm and

Listen to the sound of you existing…

Taking you in each time I inhale,

Exhaling expectations and things I deserve

Because I unapologetically love you

More than I.

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Blossoms

Well hello 🙂

Today has been amazing. I’m the world’s biggest procrastinator and have been putting off my fall schedule/financial aid for the longest, but I finally got it done today. I don’t know why I put things off, it feels good doing things and getting shit done. Aside from that, I helped my sister move today. Yup! My sister ran for the hills and left me high and dry with an 8yr old brother whose energy level I seriously question. Just kidding, she moved to New York to begin her master’s program and I couldn’t be more proud. It’s going to be really tough because she’s the yang to my ying, the cheek to my butt, and the cheese to my macaroni. She’s my best friend. She gets my jokes, my gross humor, my random outbursts, she won’t judge me for not brushing my teeth until 2pm, nor will she tire of buying me McDonald’s cookies. It’s pretty strange for her to be gone, but I didn’t cry and neither did my mom. That’s saying a lot because we’re pretty sensitive. We told ourselves that she’s going on a really long trip. Although, I’m really going to miss running into her room in the middle of the night and screaming, “OMG watch this video, I’m in tears!” or “OMG did you see this picture she posted? What was she thinking?”

But oh my gosh, SHE LEFT ME SO MUCH SHIT. For one, I’m moving into her room. Now, my sister is super cutesy and girly, she has all these wonderful things and it’s all very organized. I’m the same way, but not as perfect. My room in my old apartment was amazing, but when I moved back home, I just took the room they had and didn’t care to fix it up or arrange it. The only thing I ever change in there are the sheets. The walls are a cute shade of yellow and I could do so much with it, but I never cared. But my sister’s room is perfect! There’s a cute little nook that has a desk, an awesome painting of Audrey, office supplies, a lamp, and a windowwwwww! It’s like something out of a book. Speaking of, she left me like six books, four bags, clothes, shoes, her ginormous television, hair things, and drawer space! I’m overly excited. Her clothes and shoes are going to be too big for me, but I can make it work. I always do. I just have to wash the sheets, move my things in there, and make it my new home. It’s all very grand. Makes saying goodbye that much easier, ha!

Can you tell she’s older than me?

Anyhow, I’ve been in an amazing mood all day. I hope it lasts. I just feel better about myself all around. This year so far has been preeettttyy sketchy, but I’m feeling very hopeful for the rest of the year. I can’t wait till August! I can’t wait to get back into school so I can complain about how much I hate it. But I don’t think I’ll say that because I’m taking 3 writing classes! Let’s all dance together.

And you know, this is all falling in place perfectly because my birthday is in 13 days (21 YAYYY!), I have a job (I hate it, but it pays), and I…well, I think that’s it.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable at home. I love being with my mom. If she had it her way, none of her kids would ever move out, but I secretly feel the same way.

Can you tell I’m the middle child?

I’m hoping that my sisters’ move won’t create a huge void in the house because her presence is so large and in charge, but so far, we’re faring pretty well. Then again, it’s only been a day.

Well, that’s all. No more feeling gross and dark. On my way to loving myself (thanks, Cat) and loving…whatever else I don’t love and should.

xoxo

*I was trying out the xoxo thing and I kind of like it. I never know how to end a post. I think I just found a way. Let’s all love it together.

 

The Beauty In All Things Familiar

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This place smells like my childhood. The hours and hours I’d spend here reading stories online, reading flaps of books, going to the bathroom, and then doing it all over again are almost indescribable. No one ever understood why I spent so much time in the library. Whenever there was something going on at home, or if I’d endured a hard day of schoolyard bullying, I knew I could come to the library and unwind. I had access to so many things, and the possibilities were endless even though I knew they weren’t. The computers allowed 6 one hour sessions, but after years of practically living here, I knew my way around the system. Still, the reminder at the top right corner of the screen was like an eviction notice breaking up the peace of a happy home. It appeared in bold, red letter telling me that I was no longer welcomed.

60min Remaining! …45min Remaining! Are You Saving Your Work? …20min Remaining! …FIVE MINUTES REMAINING. SAVE WORK NOWIN TEN SECONDS, THIS COMPUTER WILL SHUT DOWN.

 It was pretty tragic. I’d fascinate about spending the night here. I imagined that the staff here was my family. I’d forgo any food or water just to sit on the computer and…do nothing. Whether I was playing games, IM’ing the boy I thought I loved, reading stories on forums, or reading books in the corner, being here made me feel like I was normal. It was the only time I felt accepted. Everything around me was so…volatile then. I hated everything, I didn’t understand anything, and no one understood me. I’d just drown myself in words and read…and read…and read. I was so young. I was so fresh, and all I wanted to do was drown. I’d people watch and decide who those people were. I remember this one guy who was really weird. He had warts or lesions (I really don’t know) all over his face and hands and whenever he’d use the computer, he would sit extremely close. He’d stack about five, thick books beneath the keyboard and he’d type meticulously. I never understood him. I never understood why he did any of those things, but he was a familiar face and I looked for him each time I came. There was this woman with short brown hair, and she looked so cool. She typed really fast and sat very still. When she was done, she’d get up quickly, push her chair in neatly, and walk away…leaving her presence behind for me to wonder about her life. I’d spend hours on the computer, go downstairs and go look at all the Young Adult books on the shelves. I’d read synopsis’s about summer romances, young love, and girls riding in cars with boys. Things I thought I’d never do. I was pimply-faced, skinny little girl with an imagination bigger than this world and the library was my home. It was my friend, and it sheltered me. Nothing wrong could go on in here. Nothing bad could happen. I had books and internet access, I mean really, what could go wrong? On days off of school or weekends, my sister and I would come here in the morning and our mother would come and pick us up right as they were closing.

“Ladies and gentleman, the library is closing. Please save all work and make your way towards the nearest exit.”

Those words could make me cry. All they meant to me was that I had to enter the world of sharks and I would no longer be protected. My sister and I once devised a plan of bringing sleeping bags and a flashlight, and when they were about to close, we’d hide in the bathroom until everyone went home. Once the coast was clear, we’d come out and spend the night indulging in our favorite things. We’d be able to use the computer and read all night long. Laugh amongst ourselves about our devious scheme, share stories, websites, and books. It is so easy to be satisfied as a child. What happened to that? Years and years and years were spent in this library escaping. I feel like it raised me in a way. Each year, I’d get older, but my home would stay the same. The faces would stay the same, the air still stale as ever, yet familiar and soothing. The rules never changed, and I still checked out about 10 books at a time. We’d go home and have “reading parties” and see who could finish their book faster. Then, we’d do it all over the next day. Today, I write from the computer on the left side of the staircase. It’s been about five or six years since I’ve been year. Yet, at 20years old, I’m still running. I came here today to get away and to breathe and to set myself free, and in this moment, I’ve never felt so protected. It’s good to know that some things never change.

Time Remaining: 14:40. Are You Saving Your Work?