theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Happiness

Unapologetic

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I lie at your feet like a begging child.

Hoping and praying that you’ll love me back.

I scratch at your back door like a stray cat,

Waiting for a morsel of affection.

I unapologetically give my all…

Imprudent and weak,

Feeble like a branch

And continuously in amazement of

What you have the power to do to me.

Sorrowfully disappointed with what I

Allow and ceaselessly accept.

I lie under your arm and

Listen to the sound of you existing…

Taking you in each time I inhale,

Exhaling expectations and things I deserve

Because I unapologetically love you

More than I.

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

Sundays

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I miss the days when I was brave. The days when impulse and random occurrences ruled my life. Adrenaline raced through my veins, and let me just say, I was having a blast. During a conversation with a friend today, she shared that she wished it was the 70’s so she could really enjoy her life. I agreed and said that I would also love that because then, I could really enjoy my life, do what I want and truly not care. Then I wondered..when did I stop living? And more importantly, why do I feel like I can’t? I’m 21 years old, I’m healthy, I don’t have any major attachments. Why do I feel like my whole life has to be calculated and why the hell do I feel this pressure to be so settled right now? I don’t know when I got so scared. I’ve always been worrisome, but today I truly realized just how much my worrying interrupts the natural process of my life. Things should be fun, right? I know they can’t be all the time, but most of the time they should be.

“You gotta let it go. Please let it go.” The Gospel Whiskey Runners- A Stone’s Throw Away

Right as I finished typing that last sentence, that exact line played. I promise that just happened.

Here’s to good&bad decisions that make life as interesting as it is. And to stepping out of our comfort zones….And to not getting too stuck on life’s hang ups..because being happy feels really good.

Lola

A friend asked me recently why I love my cat:

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I find her watching me from a corner somewhere in my room. People who’ve seen this actually happen always think it’s weird or creepy. I’ve actually had a friend tell me that it like has something to do with voodoo. That if a cat stares at you in that way, they’re stealing fragments of your soul. I think that’s bullshit. When I see her staring at me like that, I laugh and tell her to go to sleep. I think she’s just watching me to protect me. To make sure that I haven’t left her. To make sure I’m alive and that we’re still together. When I get home from anywhere, she hears the door and rushes down the stairs and walks right into me. She’s not the friendliest cat so it’s hard to tell people of her greatness, but she’s really sweet. She’s just really cautious. Lol she’s fiesty and has a little attitude, but that’s what makes her so awesome. She stands up for herself. I love that she isn’t another person who will tell me how wrong I am and how fucked up I am…she just loves me for who I am, it’s easy with her. Her face makes me melt. The way she curls up next to me sometimes, the way she meows at me when I’ve been sleeping for too long, the way she sleeps when I sleep and wakes up when I wake up…the way we’re so in sync. If I’m taking a shower or just in the bathroom, she’s right there in corner waiting for me. If she happens to have been left outside, she either meows at the door until I open up or she waits for me outside the door. She can be really annoying because she doesn’t always listen and she’s so adventurous, but for the most part, she’s the best thing ever. Did I mention she’s hilarious? She does this thing where she’ll be walking and then will just randomly throw herself to the ground like, “Omg what a long day I’ve had.” It so funny. Most of the time when anyone calls her, she’ll meow. It’s not like a meow like she’s answering you because you called her, it’s like an annoyed meow, like, “Ugh! What do you people want!” Lmao she probably can’t take me seriously because I’m always laughing at her.

Me- “Lola, get down! Get off the counter!”
Her- “Meeeoooow! *quietly* meow.”
Translation: You’re so annoying! Asshole.
Then I start to laugh.

Whenever I’m sad, whenever I’ve had a rough time, she’s right there to lay with me. She’s right there to accept me. If I forget to give her water or give her food, she doesn’t hate me. She just waits because she knows I’ll do it sooner or later. I love how she smells me sometimes. She’ll come right up to me and sniff my face, my mouth, or under my nose as if to ask, “what did you have for dinner? Is that chicken I smell?” She can be really impossible and sometimes I want to throw her out of a window, but when she’s gone, I long for her to meow endlessly until I do what she wants. She’s very controlling, but we compromise. We don’t get up at 6 when she wants, nor at 8 when I want, so we wake up at 7. She has a really tight bond with my little brother and she’s able to form those bonds with anyone who is sweet and playful with her. But it won’t happen right away. She has to warm up to you. She has to know she can trust you. I think we’re different though. I used to travel a lot and I’d have to leave her for a few days at a time, maybe a week, and when I got home, she would definitely make it known that she was mad at me. She would make me work for her affection and I always got a kick out of it. She’s perfect and I think she thinks I’m perfect too. I love her because she’s grown to become my very best friend. We fight, but we always make up and never go to sleep upset with each other. If she senses that I’m angry, she’ll crawl all over me. She’ll try to walk on my face, lay on my chest, get all up in my space and she knows I can’t resist that. It’s funny though because she hates people in her space. She hates kisses. She loves getting rubbed down in various places, but no kisses. She’ll always let me kiss her for a few minutes and then she’ll get up like, “Okay, that’s enough.” It makes me laugh every time. I’m a hugger and kisser so she has to deal with it. I grab her face a lot and force kisses on her and I grab her and cuddle her a lot. I love her because she came to me at a very rough time in life and we made it through together. I love her because she’s always there to listen, because she’s beautiful inside and out, and because I never have to question our love and our friendship. She’s what I look forward to coming home to, I see her in my future, and I daydream of her sweet face sleeping her little life away. As I write this, I’m lying on the couch and she’s laying on my head. I’m gonna go upstairs to shower and whenever I walk away from her, I anticipate the sound of her little paws running after after me.
“Hey, wait up!”

Oh, Lola, my Lola.

Blossoms

Well hello 🙂

Today has been amazing. I’m the world’s biggest procrastinator and have been putting off my fall schedule/financial aid for the longest, but I finally got it done today. I don’t know why I put things off, it feels good doing things and getting shit done. Aside from that, I helped my sister move today. Yup! My sister ran for the hills and left me high and dry with an 8yr old brother whose energy level I seriously question. Just kidding, she moved to New York to begin her master’s program and I couldn’t be more proud. It’s going to be really tough because she’s the yang to my ying, the cheek to my butt, and the cheese to my macaroni. She’s my best friend. She gets my jokes, my gross humor, my random outbursts, she won’t judge me for not brushing my teeth until 2pm, nor will she tire of buying me McDonald’s cookies. It’s pretty strange for her to be gone, but I didn’t cry and neither did my mom. That’s saying a lot because we’re pretty sensitive. We told ourselves that she’s going on a really long trip. Although, I’m really going to miss running into her room in the middle of the night and screaming, “OMG watch this video, I’m in tears!” or “OMG did you see this picture she posted? What was she thinking?”

But oh my gosh, SHE LEFT ME SO MUCH SHIT. For one, I’m moving into her room. Now, my sister is super cutesy and girly, she has all these wonderful things and it’s all very organized. I’m the same way, but not as perfect. My room in my old apartment was amazing, but when I moved back home, I just took the room they had and didn’t care to fix it up or arrange it. The only thing I ever change in there are the sheets. The walls are a cute shade of yellow and I could do so much with it, but I never cared. But my sister’s room is perfect! There’s a cute little nook that has a desk, an awesome painting of Audrey, office supplies, a lamp, and a windowwwwww! It’s like something out of a book. Speaking of, she left me like six books, four bags, clothes, shoes, her ginormous television, hair things, and drawer space! I’m overly excited. Her clothes and shoes are going to be too big for me, but I can make it work. I always do. I just have to wash the sheets, move my things in there, and make it my new home. It’s all very grand. Makes saying goodbye that much easier, ha!

Can you tell she’s older than me?

Anyhow, I’ve been in an amazing mood all day. I hope it lasts. I just feel better about myself all around. This year so far has been preeettttyy sketchy, but I’m feeling very hopeful for the rest of the year. I can’t wait till August! I can’t wait to get back into school so I can complain about how much I hate it. But I don’t think I’ll say that because I’m taking 3 writing classes! Let’s all dance together.

And you know, this is all falling in place perfectly because my birthday is in 13 days (21 YAYYY!), I have a job (I hate it, but it pays), and I…well, I think that’s it.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable at home. I love being with my mom. If she had it her way, none of her kids would ever move out, but I secretly feel the same way.

Can you tell I’m the middle child?

I’m hoping that my sisters’ move won’t create a huge void in the house because her presence is so large and in charge, but so far, we’re faring pretty well. Then again, it’s only been a day.

Well, that’s all. No more feeling gross and dark. On my way to loving myself (thanks, Cat) and loving…whatever else I don’t love and should.

xoxo

*I was trying out the xoxo thing and I kind of like it. I never know how to end a post. I think I just found a way. Let’s all love it together.

 

Within Me Lies…

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A part of me thinks that you think I don’t need you. Maybe that’s why you refuse to do anything to fix the mind fuck of a situation we’re in. Little do you know, I need you more than I can put into words. For the first time in my life, the love I feel towards you is healthy. Don’t get me wrong, your touch intoxicates me and sends me flying through alternate universes that I didn’t even think existed. The minute you place your hand on my skin, I can feel things inside of me exploding. I like to just stare at you sometimes. Over time, I’ve noticed that your infinite beauty can make any bit of sadness I feel go away. I can only hope that I move you the way you move me…because I feel like I’m drowning with you. I placed my trust in you and swam deeply into your ocean, and I don’t want to be saved. I’d actually prefer to just keep sinking. But believe me, this is healthy.

I don’t feel the need to know where you are at all times or know what you’re doing. I…trust you. It feels foolish to say, but there’s something in you that I just believe in. I’ll admit that I want you to need me. I want to have the smile that keeps you going through the day, but sometimes I wonder if you desire to have those affections. I hope this isn’t a lost cause. As the days go by, my love grows deeper…and deeper. I begin to want you more and more, and it slowly drives me crazy. But seriously, it’s healthy. I would never hold you back in any way, I wouldn’t dream of it. I want to see your success skyrocket. I want to see you accomplish the things you know you’re capable of, the things I know will be possible. Your success is inevitable, and that makes me really proud. Are you proud of me? Would you be pleased in saying that I belong to you? Because I’d like to. I want to lie in your arms and feel your breath on my neck. I want to feel your heartbeat against my back while your hands are intertwined with mine. I see these incredible things for us and I’m sorry if I rush it, but please believe when I say I can’t help it.

When I love, I love hard and I hope that doesn’t frighten you. It hasn’t so far. You’ve been quite understanding of my wavering emotions I’m a little crazy, I know. Do I need you to survive? Probably not. Maybe I will one day. But I do need to feel you…and hear you…and have you near me. I need you to understand how you’ve inserted yourself into me in ways that might mean that I’ve fallen for you. It’s a little weird to say, I’m trying to love you in a healthy way. But I need you in many different ways. And I want you to need me too because I’m here. I will show up for you, and listen to you, and be here for you. I battle with this daily, but I also think I’ll wait for you. Just…don’t forget me in your wake. You say you could never forget me, but life passes us by in the blink of a dark eye. I’d hate for us to never experience the splendor of the life we imagine. 

Change Is Good, People

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Quick story that I thought was funny: I was editing my last post (Seasons) and for whatever reason, the page was showing me that my last post was Critical, which was a week ago. So I’m like “what?! It’s been a whole week? What the hell?” So then I told myself like whoa, you’ve gotta kick it up a notch, you know? Then I tried to think of what I’ve done in the last week and I could only remember yesterday, but that’s because I was trying so hard. So I went on my blog and saw that I’ve posted four times in the last week. WordPress almost made me hate myself.

Anyway, Good morning.

Today, I’m feeling particularly…inspired. I had two amazing conversations last night and I think I’m still on that high. Great conversations make me really giddy. Especially when it’s filled with laughter, insight, and free thinking. I hate having to stifle my true thoughts and emotions. Anyhow, I woke up thinking about change this morning. Hence the title of my latest poem Seasons. Did you guys get that? Because you know, seasons change. We change. Life changes. We go through….seasons! I thought I was clever for that. I’ve been trying to get better with titles. When I was younger, I was great with them. I don’t know what happened. Anyway (I say that so much but only because I get off topic a million times in one post), I’m coming to terms with the fact that change is good.

I’ve always been really afraid of change because it means that I lose things or that I’m no longer a certain way, but why is that bad? Change means growth. Sometimes, change means progress. Right now, I’m at a low point in life. Things have been pretty hard and it is quite the humbling experience, but you know what? My pockets aren’t filled, but my heart is and so is my mind. It’s important to be rich in other places than your bank account. Although, money is nice. Not the point.

I’ve experienced a lot of change lately. So much. I’ve moved, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve lost many friends (Just two, but that’s a lot for me), I started writing for magazines, I’ve been getting closer to God, and this morning, I’ve decided to change my attitude.

The things you see and do affect your perception of the world. On Instagram this morning, I followed a bunch of people I love who are totally fabulous and I followed lots of travel pages, and just pages that can inspire me. I unfollowed people that were bringing me down and reminding me of a person I once was. In Seasons (the poem), I wrote about how I hope this feeling lasts and I really hope it does because I’m so…wishy washy with my emotions sometimes. Like this morning, I’m great and I plan on having a wonderful and productive day, but tomorrow morning, I can wake up hating everything about life. But, when you change, you also change old habits. I’m on my way to becoming a better person and by doing that, I’m going to have to ditch my old coat.

Everything and everyone in my life right now serve a purpose. My friends and family are my support system. I recently went through a crisis that showed me exactly how much support I have around me. My struggle serves as inspiration. It serves as focus, determination, and strength. I’m not going to stay down, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m necessarily “down.” I’m just experiencing technical difficulties. My writing, my talent…well. That’s my livelihood. It’s my career, and right now, I’m sharpening my skills. I’m perfecting my craft until I’m exactly where I’d like to be. We all have to crawl before we can walk.

Which actually brings me to my next point. I’m almost done, I promise. I’m being patient with myself! More than anything, there’s so much pressure to be successful so early and so soon and already have this empire by the age of 10. It makes me so sad because I’m not there and I end up beating myself up and putting myself in a corner, and that’s not fair. Everyone’s life is different, we all have different things going. I can’t compare myself to Oprah. We are two different people. What I can do, though, is use Oprah as motivation. I’m learning this. It’s been a long and hard road, but I really think I’m shaping my mind and I’m becoming who I’d like to. I’m changing the way I see things. Who would’ve thought all this change would make me so happy? I’m telling you, I’ve always hated change. Anyway, I’m feeling good this morning. I’m going to try harder, be better, and accept the things that come into my life…take them in stride. I know I’ll be sad some days, but the beauty is not staying that way. Taking my sadness and turning into something great. Like the Kardashians. Have you guys noticed that EVERY TIME they’re humiliated in one way or another, they flip it and turn it into a success? Say what you want, but those people are pretty damn smart.

I was going to say that I’m going to work on making my posts less lengthy, but I’d be lying. I naturally write a lot. I’ve accepted that of myself. Imagine my text messages to people. I just have a lot to say all the time. Someone, somewhere will appreciate it. I’m going to go make pancakes.

I hope everyone has a lovely day :

Listen to happy music, do happy things, eat happy food.