theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Growth

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

Stagnancy

I haven’t moved a muscle since
Last fall.
Leaves on trees have Grown&browned,
They’ve fallen&produced
New lives, new chances..
They have introduced a new day.
The wind blows wistfully,
Moving along in it’s passage..
Dancing to the rhythm of time..
Yet, I..
Remain stagnant.
I can’t find the courage to
Resist the comfortability in
Standing still.
The protection one feels in
Being frozen in silence..
Will eventually be replaced
By a gurgling fear
Smoothly rising from deep within..
Eerily reminding you of
Your stunted growth.
I’ve begun to feel a disconnection
With the wind&the leaves..
I’m being cheated by time,
&They’ve all come together like
A band of thieves…
Stealing my chances in the thick
Of the night..
But perhaps it’s on me
For choosing to diminish my own light..
To stand still in the shadows
Of the dark.
&Sternly refusing to be accepting
Of the clocks plight.

Noise

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Do you know what your own voice sounds like? It dawned on me today that I haven’t heard my own voice in a very long time. Maybe I’ve never heard it at all. If I did, did I recognize it? The only time the world makes sense to me is when I’m listening to music. The crooning of someone else’s soft, calm voice centers me. They fill in the void I constantly feel and they speak my thoughts aloud. But I’m too dependent on that. Now I’m questioning if my undying love for music is genuine or if it’s because I count on it to help me in every way possible. It’s probably a bit of both. For most of my life, I’ve been alone, and for most of my life, I’ve tried to get someone to place into my life so I wouldn’t be (&not just romantic interests). When I’m alone, I think too much. I analyze, I scrutinize, and well, I’m not always so nice to myself. It’s like I’m afraid of myself. What’s truly in my heart? What do I really want? I’ve spent years trying to figure those things out the wrong way, and I’m not saying that I’m gonna get my shit together now, but I’ve recognized my faults.

Like yesterday, I was sitting on top of my car, staring off into the glorious distance of one of favorite spots. Mumford and Sons blasted in my ears, and at that moment, everything made sense. Everything felt okay. Most days, I know that regardless, but music gives me that extra push. The encouraging boost that gets me through the day.

Greg Laswell said it best in his song And Then You: “How my thoughts they spin me ’round. How my thoughts they let me down.”
Like, yes! My thoughts need a leash or a nozzle or…both.

Someone told me recently that I expect too much from people. And I do. I expect more from people than I do myself because if someone else lets me down, I have the choice of continuing a relationship with that person. If I let myself down, I’m stuck with me. There’s no going back, there’s no running away. I would have to face myself, and I’m my toughest critic. I’m not sure I’d know how to deal again. Yet, by not dealing, I’m alienating my own self. Im missing out on who I am just because I think I already have myself figured out, but I don’t. I’m forcing myself onto other people and that’s not healthy. I’m allowing myself to be so open to people who possibly aren’t any good for me and could destroy me just so I don’t risk running into…me. Seeing myself. It’s just easier if someone else does it.

Hmm. Progress is being made here. Admitting is the first step right?

Good day, readers.

Hello, Goodbye

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Goodbye to love.
Goodbye to life.
Goodbye to breathing.
Hello to mourning.
You are gone&part of me is too.
My world is now blue.
&I feel so askew.
Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to us.
Goodbye to love.
Hello to heartbreak.
This pain I can’t take.
My future seems to be at stake.
For my life I do want to end
Because all this loneliness is turning into a horrid trend.
Goodbye to happiness.
Goodbye to love songs.
Goodbye to memories.
Hello to life.

– I was rifling through my old poetry and I think I wrote this when I was about 16. Maybe 15. My poetry was so dark then. I was so depressed. I’m not as deep into my depression as I was then, but a lot of my work still applies to my life. This, though, stuck out the most. It actually completely describes this entire year so far. I’ve been introduced to a kind of pain I never thought I’d have to meet. But in that process, I met strength I thought I’d never have. I’ve had to say goodbye more times than I’ve ever had to, and these last few weeks, I’ve kind of said goodbye to myself. Hello to a new me. I’ve been speechless lately. I never know what to say, I never care to say anything. My heart has been broken from losing the most important person in my life, and with him gone, I might never be the same again. A piece of me has died. More like a chunk. I’ve been dealing it with well.

“I lost my mind long ago down that yellow brick road.”

When I wrote this, I’m sure some guy broke my heart or something but it’s clearly insignificant because I can’t even remember. This is different though. I’ll remember this pain forever for both good and bad reasons. This person has disappeared from my life and he took my peace with him. In any case, I’ve enjoyed being speechless. It’s given my life an eerie silence and I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t want to force myself to do anything. I just want to..be. So, hello and goodbye to life.

I was pretty wise then. Dark, but wise.

Within Me Lies…

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A part of me thinks that you think I don’t need you. Maybe that’s why you refuse to do anything to fix the mind fuck of a situation we’re in. Little do you know, I need you more than I can put into words. For the first time in my life, the love I feel towards you is healthy. Don’t get me wrong, your touch intoxicates me and sends me flying through alternate universes that I didn’t even think existed. The minute you place your hand on my skin, I can feel things inside of me exploding. I like to just stare at you sometimes. Over time, I’ve noticed that your infinite beauty can make any bit of sadness I feel go away. I can only hope that I move you the way you move me…because I feel like I’m drowning with you. I placed my trust in you and swam deeply into your ocean, and I don’t want to be saved. I’d actually prefer to just keep sinking. But believe me, this is healthy.

I don’t feel the need to know where you are at all times or know what you’re doing. I…trust you. It feels foolish to say, but there’s something in you that I just believe in. I’ll admit that I want you to need me. I want to have the smile that keeps you going through the day, but sometimes I wonder if you desire to have those affections. I hope this isn’t a lost cause. As the days go by, my love grows deeper…and deeper. I begin to want you more and more, and it slowly drives me crazy. But seriously, it’s healthy. I would never hold you back in any way, I wouldn’t dream of it. I want to see your success skyrocket. I want to see you accomplish the things you know you’re capable of, the things I know will be possible. Your success is inevitable, and that makes me really proud. Are you proud of me? Would you be pleased in saying that I belong to you? Because I’d like to. I want to lie in your arms and feel your breath on my neck. I want to feel your heartbeat against my back while your hands are intertwined with mine. I see these incredible things for us and I’m sorry if I rush it, but please believe when I say I can’t help it.

When I love, I love hard and I hope that doesn’t frighten you. It hasn’t so far. You’ve been quite understanding of my wavering emotions I’m a little crazy, I know. Do I need you to survive? Probably not. Maybe I will one day. But I do need to feel you…and hear you…and have you near me. I need you to understand how you’ve inserted yourself into me in ways that might mean that I’ve fallen for you. It’s a little weird to say, I’m trying to love you in a healthy way. But I need you in many different ways. And I want you to need me too because I’m here. I will show up for you, and listen to you, and be here for you. I battle with this daily, but I also think I’ll wait for you. Just…don’t forget me in your wake. You say you could never forget me, but life passes us by in the blink of a dark eye. I’d hate for us to never experience the splendor of the life we imagine. 

Clocked Out

My biggest fear has come true.
Well, one of them.

I’ve allowed my mediocre ass job to take over my creative freedom. When I’m not working, I’m tired. When I’m not tired, I’m working. I spend most of my down time on Netflix or working out, and that leaves no time for my writing. It’s been making me sad for some time, but yet, I don’t do anything to change it.

I’m actually at work right now. I’m on break just sitting in my car, and I’m deciding to break the mold. I don’t want to be someone who forgets about my art because I’m too tired from working a minimum wage job. I don’t want to be too lazy to create characters and bring life to different worlds. I want to continue doing what I do and I guess I just need to find that balance. Perhaps I can do this more often. My break is an hour so I can just write on my down time, you know? Anyhow, I don’t plan on staying at this job for long. I’m actually surprised I’ve lasted because the old me would’ve already quit by now. The keyword in that sentence is old.

I’ve noticed myself changing in many ways recently, and I can’t say I don’t like what I see. I’m maturing and evolving and becoming an adult. I’ve had my own responsibilities and my own life to take care of since I was 18, but when I moved back to my moms house, I felt like a child. But as of lately, it hasn’t felt that way. I feel like a new person. I’ve been doing things I don’t necessarily want to do, but I do anyway because I know I have to. A lot of bad things have been thrown into my life (one bad thing happens, 100more things come along) and I haven’t been letting any of it get to me. I can’t say I’ve been happier, but I’ve been dealing in a pretty decent way. Normally, I just crash. But I haven’t.

It’s interesting though because along the way, I’ve lost two things. I’ve lost my will to write, and I lost my resolve. I started doing something that I swore I’d never do again (no, not drugs), and what makes it worse is that half the time, I don’t even want to do it. I just always feel like I have to. When that pressure comes down, there’s no stopping it. I’m not strong enough to face it. As for my will to write, I know it’ll come back to me. I just need to push myself, and I plan on it. Anyway, I hope everyone’s been doing well. If not, I hope you all have a good way to deal with the bullshit. Trouble doesn’t last always.

My break will be over soon. I’m gonna try to lay down with my eyes closed. I’m listening to some pretty great music right now, too. I’m pretty calm…until I have to clock back in.
Groan.

Goodnight

Change Is Good, People

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Quick story that I thought was funny: I was editing my last post (Seasons) and for whatever reason, the page was showing me that my last post was Critical, which was a week ago. So I’m like “what?! It’s been a whole week? What the hell?” So then I told myself like whoa, you’ve gotta kick it up a notch, you know? Then I tried to think of what I’ve done in the last week and I could only remember yesterday, but that’s because I was trying so hard. So I went on my blog and saw that I’ve posted four times in the last week. WordPress almost made me hate myself.

Anyway, Good morning.

Today, I’m feeling particularly…inspired. I had two amazing conversations last night and I think I’m still on that high. Great conversations make me really giddy. Especially when it’s filled with laughter, insight, and free thinking. I hate having to stifle my true thoughts and emotions. Anyhow, I woke up thinking about change this morning. Hence the title of my latest poem Seasons. Did you guys get that? Because you know, seasons change. We change. Life changes. We go through….seasons! I thought I was clever for that. I’ve been trying to get better with titles. When I was younger, I was great with them. I don’t know what happened. Anyway (I say that so much but only because I get off topic a million times in one post), I’m coming to terms with the fact that change is good.

I’ve always been really afraid of change because it means that I lose things or that I’m no longer a certain way, but why is that bad? Change means growth. Sometimes, change means progress. Right now, I’m at a low point in life. Things have been pretty hard and it is quite the humbling experience, but you know what? My pockets aren’t filled, but my heart is and so is my mind. It’s important to be rich in other places than your bank account. Although, money is nice. Not the point.

I’ve experienced a lot of change lately. So much. I’ve moved, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve lost many friends (Just two, but that’s a lot for me), I started writing for magazines, I’ve been getting closer to God, and this morning, I’ve decided to change my attitude.

The things you see and do affect your perception of the world. On Instagram this morning, I followed a bunch of people I love who are totally fabulous and I followed lots of travel pages, and just pages that can inspire me. I unfollowed people that were bringing me down and reminding me of a person I once was. In Seasons (the poem), I wrote about how I hope this feeling lasts and I really hope it does because I’m so…wishy washy with my emotions sometimes. Like this morning, I’m great and I plan on having a wonderful and productive day, but tomorrow morning, I can wake up hating everything about life. But, when you change, you also change old habits. I’m on my way to becoming a better person and by doing that, I’m going to have to ditch my old coat.

Everything and everyone in my life right now serve a purpose. My friends and family are my support system. I recently went through a crisis that showed me exactly how much support I have around me. My struggle serves as inspiration. It serves as focus, determination, and strength. I’m not going to stay down, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m necessarily “down.” I’m just experiencing technical difficulties. My writing, my talent…well. That’s my livelihood. It’s my career, and right now, I’m sharpening my skills. I’m perfecting my craft until I’m exactly where I’d like to be. We all have to crawl before we can walk.

Which actually brings me to my next point. I’m almost done, I promise. I’m being patient with myself! More than anything, there’s so much pressure to be successful so early and so soon and already have this empire by the age of 10. It makes me so sad because I’m not there and I end up beating myself up and putting myself in a corner, and that’s not fair. Everyone’s life is different, we all have different things going. I can’t compare myself to Oprah. We are two different people. What I can do, though, is use Oprah as motivation. I’m learning this. It’s been a long and hard road, but I really think I’m shaping my mind and I’m becoming who I’d like to. I’m changing the way I see things. Who would’ve thought all this change would make me so happy? I’m telling you, I’ve always hated change. Anyway, I’m feeling good this morning. I’m going to try harder, be better, and accept the things that come into my life…take them in stride. I know I’ll be sad some days, but the beauty is not staying that way. Taking my sadness and turning into something great. Like the Kardashians. Have you guys noticed that EVERY TIME they’re humiliated in one way or another, they flip it and turn it into a success? Say what you want, but those people are pretty damn smart.

I was going to say that I’m going to work on making my posts less lengthy, but I’d be lying. I naturally write a lot. I’ve accepted that of myself. Imagine my text messages to people. I just have a lot to say all the time. Someone, somewhere will appreciate it. I’m going to go make pancakes.

I hope everyone has a lovely day :

Listen to happy music, do happy things, eat happy food. 

Seasons

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“I’ve never been so deep inside a shadow,”

I think I’m keeping myself from my own light..

Shielding myself from what’s bright

&it’s not intentional, I don’t think.

Maybe it is and each time I blink

I close my eyes on the world,

Close my eyes on possible potential…

&I lose out on everything.

I’m having a hard time accepting myself

Because I’d like to be better.

Yet, I keep running into this wall of old habits

&all these old memories keep acting as a fetter,

So you know what I’ll do? I’m gonna write a letter,

I’m going to tell my past that I’m feeling pretty stellar.

I’m no longer blue, I’ve changed my color.

I’ve taken on a different hue.

This time a bright shade of pink,

&it’s accompanied with a smile.

I’ve decided that’s my new style.

I just wish I could accept it forever and not just for awhile

This shadow is cruel and stretches for miles and miles…

But I don’t dare to be frightened by such things

I’m no longer being held up by someone else’s strings,

I’m feeling free, so free I’ll fly over the world

With my special little wings.

I really just hope I can accept it forever

So forever, that never becomes never.