theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Friendship

Lola

A friend asked me recently why I love my cat:

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I find her watching me from a corner somewhere in my room. People who’ve seen this actually happen always think it’s weird or creepy. I’ve actually had a friend tell me that it like has something to do with voodoo. That if a cat stares at you in that way, they’re stealing fragments of your soul. I think that’s bullshit. When I see her staring at me like that, I laugh and tell her to go to sleep. I think she’s just watching me to protect me. To make sure that I haven’t left her. To make sure I’m alive and that we’re still together. When I get home from anywhere, she hears the door and rushes down the stairs and walks right into me. She’s not the friendliest cat so it’s hard to tell people of her greatness, but she’s really sweet. She’s just really cautious. Lol she’s fiesty and has a little attitude, but that’s what makes her so awesome. She stands up for herself. I love that she isn’t another person who will tell me how wrong I am and how fucked up I am…she just loves me for who I am, it’s easy with her. Her face makes me melt. The way she curls up next to me sometimes, the way she meows at me when I’ve been sleeping for too long, the way she sleeps when I sleep and wakes up when I wake up…the way we’re so in sync. If I’m taking a shower or just in the bathroom, she’s right there in corner waiting for me. If she happens to have been left outside, she either meows at the door until I open up or she waits for me outside the door. She can be really annoying because she doesn’t always listen and she’s so adventurous, but for the most part, she’s the best thing ever. Did I mention she’s hilarious? She does this thing where she’ll be walking and then will just randomly throw herself to the ground like, “Omg what a long day I’ve had.” It so funny. Most of the time when anyone calls her, she’ll meow. It’s not like a meow like she’s answering you because you called her, it’s like an annoyed meow, like, “Ugh! What do you people want!” Lmao she probably can’t take me seriously because I’m always laughing at her.

Me- “Lola, get down! Get off the counter!”
Her- “Meeeoooow! *quietly* meow.”
Translation: You’re so annoying! Asshole.
Then I start to laugh.

Whenever I’m sad, whenever I’ve had a rough time, she’s right there to lay with me. She’s right there to accept me. If I forget to give her water or give her food, she doesn’t hate me. She just waits because she knows I’ll do it sooner or later. I love how she smells me sometimes. She’ll come right up to me and sniff my face, my mouth, or under my nose as if to ask, “what did you have for dinner? Is that chicken I smell?” She can be really impossible and sometimes I want to throw her out of a window, but when she’s gone, I long for her to meow endlessly until I do what she wants. She’s very controlling, but we compromise. We don’t get up at 6 when she wants, nor at 8 when I want, so we wake up at 7. She has a really tight bond with my little brother and she’s able to form those bonds with anyone who is sweet and playful with her. But it won’t happen right away. She has to warm up to you. She has to know she can trust you. I think we’re different though. I used to travel a lot and I’d have to leave her for a few days at a time, maybe a week, and when I got home, she would definitely make it known that she was mad at me. She would make me work for her affection and I always got a kick out of it. She’s perfect and I think she thinks I’m perfect too. I love her because she’s grown to become my very best friend. We fight, but we always make up and never go to sleep upset with each other. If she senses that I’m angry, she’ll crawl all over me. She’ll try to walk on my face, lay on my chest, get all up in my space and she knows I can’t resist that. It’s funny though because she hates people in her space. She hates kisses. She loves getting rubbed down in various places, but no kisses. She’ll always let me kiss her for a few minutes and then she’ll get up like, “Okay, that’s enough.” It makes me laugh every time. I’m a hugger and kisser so she has to deal with it. I grab her face a lot and force kisses on her and I grab her and cuddle her a lot. I love her because she came to me at a very rough time in life and we made it through together. I love her because she’s always there to listen, because she’s beautiful inside and out, and because I never have to question our love and our friendship. She’s what I look forward to coming home to, I see her in my future, and I daydream of her sweet face sleeping her little life away. As I write this, I’m lying on the couch and she’s laying on my head. I’m gonna go upstairs to shower and whenever I walk away from her, I anticipate the sound of her little paws running after after me.
“Hey, wait up!”

Oh, Lola, my Lola.

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Not Really Sure

Hey!

I’m terrible with intros. Man, this week sucked. I mean…it suuuuuuucked. But, today is Friday. Fridays are always good. I haven’t really had the best time this week, but a really good friend of mine made sure I survived. She made sure that I was okay, that I was taken care of, and that I didn’t throw myself off of I-95. I didn’t really think I’d get through honestly. I mean, I know I would, but it just didn’t feel like it. It felt like someone took a pile of shit and threw it on top of my head. If everything goes well today, then the last piece of the puzzle will be completed. I’ll be done with this. I’ll be able to move on and set my sights on something bigger and better. I really wish money wasn’t so important. Anyway, I’m becoming acutely aware of where certain things are going. Where, you ask? Nowhere. They are going nowhere. I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be my friend for awhile bc he was too sexually attracted to me. I have another guy who texts me the most outlandish shit. For example: “How mad would you be if you found out that me and your mom had a baby right after I proposed to you?” Who says that? I said, “Not that this would ever happen, but I’ll entertain you. I’d be pretty upset…then I’d move on and realize you’re both fuckers.” To which he replied “I like your nipples.” He’s never seen my nipples. Then this other guy who is as confused as the sun in the dark. Make up your mind, do you want me or don’t you? Then another who thinks he loves me. And to make it worse, a guy that I’ve been friends with for a veeeery long time let his girlfriend disrespect me. This entire week, I’ve been feeling disrespected. Not one of those guys respect me in any way, and that is what I realized. They do things and say things that literally contradict EVERYTHING they say they feel toward me. And I don’t do that. I’m there, I’m present, I give, I tolerate, I listen, I’m patient, and understanding..&I don’t think I expect that much. Just do me how I do you. That’s not the case right now. I’m thinking it’s time I go on a little break from everyone. You’re all just fucking with my head and making things a bit worse for me. Life itself has just walked all over me, and I’m finally blogging about it because I’m over it. It’s Friday. It’s the weekend. I’m going to wear a crop top today and take selfies and thank God for allowing me to remain positive when nothing seems to be going right. There is one person who hasn’t insanely annoyed me this week and that’s my best friend. &my mother. But, let’s just go with my bff. Guys will never understand the bond that women can form. It’s one of the best things I’m my life right now. True friendship has pulled me out of the deepest woods, made me laugh when I thought I forgot how, made me realize that I’m better than I think I am. The guy version of her is J. He is perfection. He’s the best guy friend anyone can have. He loves me when I’m going ape shit, he loves me when I’m crying, he loves me when I don’t have anything..he’s consistent. The only consistent guy I know. He accepts me. He supports me. I appreciate them. I will always appreciate them. Everyone else has just made me want to hide into a corner. Made me want to shut my phone off and go to sleep for at least a few days. &what sucks is that with most of those guys, I’m in control. They don’t phase me, they’re just persistent and won’t stop chasing. But one…I can’t control anything. I want to, but I can’t. I tell myself that I will, but I don’t. Because he’s not a bad guy, he’s not mean, he’s genuine. Just confused. I deserve a lot more than confusion though. I deserve readiness. I deserve fearlessness. Let’s see. This week has allowed me to see myself in a new light. I’m pretty strong. I could try harder, I need to work on communicating, but I’m not all bad. There’s some awesomeness in here. Have a Good Friday, everyone

Gasping For Air

I still search for you in the darkness,
Only to realize that you’re no longer there.
I still hope that you’re within my reach,
But it’s quite apparent that you no longer care.
We’ve been nothing short of tumultuous,
Leaving behind a trail of slicing words, bruised emotions,
&irreparable damage.
Yet, I still search for you in the corners of my mind,
Hoping to find any indication that we might have a pulse..
I feel I might always be reliant towards you,
Waiting for you to catch me when I fall…
But I’ve opened my eyes, I’ve unblocked my mind..
I’ve let myself be free to believe
That you are no longer the person you once were.
Whatever we had, whatever was there…
Has undoubtedly been squandered by broken dreams..
We’ve stepped on the glass left behind, emitting nightmares
And sorrowful screams.
We’ve forgotten who we were and pass by slyly
On pins and needles…waiting for the other to crack.
But in the back of mind, something tells me to leave.
It tells me to retrieve my emotional belongings…
Place them somewhere else and simply move on.
Because to fully express myself towards you,
I’d like to say that anyone who makes me feel like a burden…
Will be rewarded with our flicker of light,
As dim as it may be,
Being diminished indefinitely
So that I might finally have the courage to breathe

Frightened Liar

I almost apologized to you today. I was giving advice to a friend, and as the words were leaving my mouth, I began to understand just how I hurt you. After all these years, it finally made sense. I’ve apologized to you endlessly, but I never fully comprehended what I did to you. How the lies I told drew a distance…a gap between that could never be resolved. Anyhow, in the middle of all that, I had the biggest urge to just…tell you I’m sorry. But that’s pointless, so I didn’t. It’s just been rolling around in my head for some time, and now I’m thinking of what could have been. Chances are, we wouldn’t have worked out, but I still would’ve liked the opportunity. What I really will never understand, though, is the fact that you’re holding all of that against me when we were so young. I was a baby. I wish you would take the time to get to know adult me. If only the pre-teen version of me wasn’t so fucked in the head. You strung me along though. You’ll never admit it, but you strung me along. You did a lot of stupid things, but somehow, my little white lies overshadowed the things you did to put us in such a hole. But it’s fine, I’ll take the fall. It just sucks that after all these years, I’m still in this position. I’m not pining over you anymore, I don’t really want you in that way, but you’re still in my heart. I’m not sure what kind of sense that makes, I’ve been drinking. My fingers tremble as I type. I just really could have loved you, you know? I could’ve been there for you, tried to understand you more than you let me…there were so many possibilities. And now there are none. And I’m fine with that. It took awhile, but I’m fine. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends again, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t something I hope for. We were comfortable, and now…yeah. Well, I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re happy. I guess I’ll find out how you’re doing the next time I get drunk and text you.

Rays of My Sun

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I wasn’t aware of your infinite beauty…
I wasn’t prepared for the things you could do to me,
Introduce to me.
I didn’t know I’d let you unravel me
Like a finely wrapped present on a white Christmas morning..
My contents kept hidden
Until you relieved me of my distress..
I welcomed your caress
And began to imagine you lifting my dress,
Kissing my neck.

Unbeknownst to you, I’ve welcomed your advances.
I refuse to let go of my insecurities..
But for you, I shall.
I will deny every feeling that enamors my soul,
But for you..
I’m a star.
Let’s run away in the realm of lovers,
Let us explore the galaxy of hope,
And then peruse the universe of sunshine..

Having been down this road, doubt litters the corners of my mind,
Haunting and daunting the very existence of..
Us.
But, darling, you are beautiful.
Your shine eradicates the need for glitters and gold,
You feel like the cool breeze that eases my mind and passes through my fingers..
A breeze we wish to hold on to, but dreadfully watch as it slips away.
Darling, you..
Are my sun.
The heat that warms my cool heart and my cold skin.
I wish to be your ray for this lifetime and the ones that follow,
I hope to make the corners of your mouth turn upwards
For..
What I feel at this moment,
My love,
I’m afraid it’s not going away.
I’m afraid it’s sticking..
And I,
We are stuck.

We’ve coalesced and
When you hurt, my body trembles in pain..
When I cry, frustration encompasses your being.
I’m almost afraid to ponder the idea of you dying..
…Of me dying.
I can only hope that our love will live on..
&That even in the darkness of the afterlife,
You will continue to shine your light upon me..
And guide me
Back to you, darling.
For you are the place I desire to be,
The oxygen I’d like to breathe,
The only love I’ve ever believed
&you, my sun, my breeze..
Are the rays of my life
&I the rays of yours..

As fear erupts in my heart,
I hesitantly walk towards you
And await for the upturned corners to greet me..
The kisses on my neck to relieve me..
Because my darling,
Your existence is all I need in this cruel world.
&your acceptance of my..
Tarnished disposition
Wilted condition…
Makes my heart
&the rays of my sun,
Eternally yours.

Horizons

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Since I’ve been away,
There seems to be a problem with
Communication..&I can no longer read you.
I can no longer hear you..
Just your silent breath
On the other end of a phone
That is slowly sucking
The life out of us.
We don’t connect as we once did,
No more late night laughs..
Late night anything for that matter.
You were once my reason
For wanting to breathe and exist..
And yet, I find myself
Absorbing a much cleaner air.
I find that I can sleep at night,
My thoughts aren’t clouded
With…replayed conversations,
Things I should’ve said,
Things I’d like to take back..
But since I’ve been away,
I’ve missed your touch.
I miss the way you smell,
The way your mouth twitches when you yell..
&I’ve always been able to tell
When you were reaching the end of your rope..
So I dropped my world
&I picked up yours..
I tasted your salty tears,
Took your pain on as mine..
But for the first time in awhile,
I feel like I’ve been set free.
Physically anyway..
I don’t believe there is anything
In this world that can keep you
Off of my mind
Or out of my life,
And sometimes..I wonder what it is about you.
Why I continue to be so enamored
By your..everything.
A part of me hates you..
Wishes I could walk away
&never look back.
Yet, if I couldn’t hear your voice
Or see your face, touch your skin
&breathe you in
For the length of a lifetime,
I might just lose myself.
Our hearts lie in each other..
Our lives are wrapped around one another..
But, these nights that I’ve been
Able to sleep freely
Breathe deeply
Without being polluted
By the guilt of feeling like
I’m not good enough..
Has been relieving.
I can’t live my life without you,
It’s something I would never even dare to dream.
Yet, I do believe
That while I’m away,
We will have to work on
Being more connected..
I know it’s something we can achieve,
With simple effort&hearts worn on our sleeves..
Because I’m slowly starting to understand
That a life right next to you..
Taking you in and leaving my life in the palm of your hand..
Is a life filled with sorrow..
&A life that won’t result in us being friends.