theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Familiarity

Unapologetic

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I lie at your feet like a begging child.

Hoping and praying that you’ll love me back.

I scratch at your back door like a stray cat,

Waiting for a morsel of affection.

I unapologetically give my all…

Imprudent and weak,

Feeble like a branch

And continuously in amazement of

What you have the power to do to me.

Sorrowfully disappointed with what I

Allow and ceaselessly accept.

I lie under your arm and

Listen to the sound of you existing…

Taking you in each time I inhale,

Exhaling expectations and things I deserve

Because I unapologetically love you

More than I.

You.

I lie next to you, watching your chest rise and fall with every shallow breath you take. You sleep soundly and peacefully, but I am paralyzed. My courage is rendered useless against my aching heart, beating only for you. I want the courage to walk, to run, to flee into the wind and taste the freedom of breathing without it hurting. I lie next to you, fighting the urge to cover your mouth with mine…line your lips with my tongue.

Hate him. Hate him.

I can’t. I can’t do anything but taste the resentment in my tears as they fall, fall, fall…building a wall between us that sooner or later, I will tear down. I lie next to you, broken and weak, surrendering the best parts of me to you and giving myself the remnants I don’t dare share with your light.

Leave.

And then what, I ponder. If I do, I’ll continue to be trapped within the bounds of my deep emotions, all of them spelling out your name. My thoughts imprisoning me with images of your smile…your beauty. I am defining insanity by continuing to give you peace while I run myself ragged, but I am stuck. I am frozen. I am awed at my fear of taking a single breath without you by my side. I watch you breathe deeply, wondering what tales are unfolding in the four corners of your curious little mind. A scream is caught in the back of my throat, a blow is trapped inside of fists, a better version of me lies within…but all I want to do is love you. I want to wrap your arms around me and feel your heart beating against my back. I want you more than I want me.

You’re crazy.

I know, I know. I’m weak, soft and foolish, defining insanity by lying here breathing while you torture me unknowingly. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do so I lie here. Paralyzed. Crazed. Afraid.

Hopeless.

In love.

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

Definition of Brief Moments

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It wasn’t a good idea for us to do what we did. We’ve put ourselves in an uncompromising situation, and now there’s no going back. What frustrates me even more is how right we felt. I daydream about your warm hands on the small of my back, your lips brushing my neck. I hear your voice in my head, and I just…wish you were more than a dream. As real it was, as real as it felt, none of it is tangible. It’s a figment of our pretty little imaginations, and we simply continue to feed it. Your touch runs through me, momentarily lives inside of me, and then it moves past me. Eventually we’ll get slapped harshly with reality, forcing us to climb down from this high…this world we’ve created. A world no one can know about..no one could ever understand. Every night since you’ve been gone, I’ve had this tingling feeling living on the surface of my skin…places you last touched. Places I need you to explore..I love you. I..really love you. I’m not sure what it means sometimes because it’s been so long since I’ve said that and truly meant it, but the moment I saw your face..the moment you pressed your lips against my neck…the second our lips collided, those words echoed in my brain and all I wanted was…more. I want more, I need more. It feels like my body is aching and longing for you.. It feels like the days passing are all a blur until I’m with you again. You’ve captured my mind. You didn’t steal my heart..you didn’t set it on fire…you’ve somehow found your way into the corners of my mind and now I can’t..breathe. I can’t really sleep. Coming from where I’ve been, I thought this would be impossible. That I’d never find my way back to a place like this. Then the second we parted..I suddenly missed you..with a fierce intensity and it felt like I had to have you..feel you. Then I realized that you..have me. And everything about that seems to make sense. It seems right..it feels natural. It’s reasonable. Except it isn’t, it shouldn’t..because it’s all trapped in our heads..in the world we created.

The Beauty In All Things Familiar

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This place smells like my childhood. The hours and hours I’d spend here reading stories online, reading flaps of books, going to the bathroom, and then doing it all over again are almost indescribable. No one ever understood why I spent so much time in the library. Whenever there was something going on at home, or if I’d endured a hard day of schoolyard bullying, I knew I could come to the library and unwind. I had access to so many things, and the possibilities were endless even though I knew they weren’t. The computers allowed 6 one hour sessions, but after years of practically living here, I knew my way around the system. Still, the reminder at the top right corner of the screen was like an eviction notice breaking up the peace of a happy home. It appeared in bold, red letter telling me that I was no longer welcomed.

60min Remaining! …45min Remaining! Are You Saving Your Work? …20min Remaining! …FIVE MINUTES REMAINING. SAVE WORK NOWIN TEN SECONDS, THIS COMPUTER WILL SHUT DOWN.

 It was pretty tragic. I’d fascinate about spending the night here. I imagined that the staff here was my family. I’d forgo any food or water just to sit on the computer and…do nothing. Whether I was playing games, IM’ing the boy I thought I loved, reading stories on forums, or reading books in the corner, being here made me feel like I was normal. It was the only time I felt accepted. Everything around me was so…volatile then. I hated everything, I didn’t understand anything, and no one understood me. I’d just drown myself in words and read…and read…and read. I was so young. I was so fresh, and all I wanted to do was drown. I’d people watch and decide who those people were. I remember this one guy who was really weird. He had warts or lesions (I really don’t know) all over his face and hands and whenever he’d use the computer, he would sit extremely close. He’d stack about five, thick books beneath the keyboard and he’d type meticulously. I never understood him. I never understood why he did any of those things, but he was a familiar face and I looked for him each time I came. There was this woman with short brown hair, and she looked so cool. She typed really fast and sat very still. When she was done, she’d get up quickly, push her chair in neatly, and walk away…leaving her presence behind for me to wonder about her life. I’d spend hours on the computer, go downstairs and go look at all the Young Adult books on the shelves. I’d read synopsis’s about summer romances, young love, and girls riding in cars with boys. Things I thought I’d never do. I was pimply-faced, skinny little girl with an imagination bigger than this world and the library was my home. It was my friend, and it sheltered me. Nothing wrong could go on in here. Nothing bad could happen. I had books and internet access, I mean really, what could go wrong? On days off of school or weekends, my sister and I would come here in the morning and our mother would come and pick us up right as they were closing.

“Ladies and gentleman, the library is closing. Please save all work and make your way towards the nearest exit.”

Those words could make me cry. All they meant to me was that I had to enter the world of sharks and I would no longer be protected. My sister and I once devised a plan of bringing sleeping bags and a flashlight, and when they were about to close, we’d hide in the bathroom until everyone went home. Once the coast was clear, we’d come out and spend the night indulging in our favorite things. We’d be able to use the computer and read all night long. Laugh amongst ourselves about our devious scheme, share stories, websites, and books. It is so easy to be satisfied as a child. What happened to that? Years and years and years were spent in this library escaping. I feel like it raised me in a way. Each year, I’d get older, but my home would stay the same. The faces would stay the same, the air still stale as ever, yet familiar and soothing. The rules never changed, and I still checked out about 10 books at a time. We’d go home and have “reading parties” and see who could finish their book faster. Then, we’d do it all over the next day. Today, I write from the computer on the left side of the staircase. It’s been about five or six years since I’ve been year. Yet, at 20years old, I’m still running. I came here today to get away and to breathe and to set myself free, and in this moment, I’ve never felt so protected. It’s good to know that some things never change.

Time Remaining: 14:40. Are You Saving Your Work?