theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: College Life

Numb.

A box filled with anguish landed in my palms today.

Suppressed feelings of dreariness emerged and down the black hole I went,

Spiraling down into obscurity.

This cocoon of gloom never strays because it knows I never will.

I may flirt with tranquility, fluttering my wings into communities of others who don’t feel like me,

My doubt is pushed past, my fear ignored,

But the many masks of a dancing fool can never truly disguise

The numbness.

 

On the outside, I am holding onto a fantasy with bleeding fingers.

All the while, Emptiness cheers.

She twists and shouts along to the music of Hopelessness.

Somberness grabs Rejection, leads her into a dip

And my nausea sets in.

The spotlight shines on Burden and Grief as they

Seemingly float across my heart,

And the crowd goes wild.

I take deep breaths and try again to ignore

The boom and bass of Brokenness’ drum as it

Creates an entrance for the shrill cymbal of Numbness.

But the whole gang erupts in celebration, and I become small.

 

I melt into the box and allow myself to find comfort

In the most consistent emotion I try so hard to conceal.

The numbness breathes life into me and I oblige.

It reminds me I am nothing, and I harbor it in my head.

Deeper and deeper, down into the emptiness,

Tumbling past my corpse of what was

And falling into a pit of what currently is.

11.5.2015

When does the void go away? When does the emptiness stop catching up to you, preventing you from finding what you’re looking for? And speaking of, what exactly are you looking for? I’m tired of these questions, I’m tired of the lack of answers, and I’m tired of the uncertainty. I feel like I’m surrounded by people who just get ‘it’, and for the life of me, I’ll never understand why I’m not one of them. I sound like I’m victimizing myself. I sound like I need to get the fuck up and do something and it’s not that I don’t want to, but what do I get up and do? Where do I go? I hate how this sounds. I hate pathetic and miserable I sound, and most days, I don’t feel pathetic and miserable, but today is one of those days when I do. Today is one of those days when I think about what I’ve done with my life and realize that I haven’t done anything. I think I keep trying to fill my life up with things that I think will give it meaning, but once I’m into it, I realize that it’s emptiness. Again. I have this thing that I can do and I know I can do it well, but what else? How can it reach people, how can it reach me? How can I take this thing I love and un-complicate it so that I can blow up my whole world? In a way that I’m comfortable, of course.

I recently went out and participated in a video shoot with some friends and my role in the video was to kind of direct the communication. Once it actually started happening and we’re in the midst of it, there was pretty much no need for me. It made me realize that anyone can talk to people, anyone can get other to open up, and anyone can do this. What the fuck makes me so special? What makes my work so special that people need to stop and pay attention to it? I had to ask myself some hard questions and I don’t think it really hit me until today. I want to do all these things and I don’t know how to start. I don’t know why I’m here, and as much as I want to find out, I kind of wish I wasn’t being put up to the task at all. As the years go by, I’m realizing that I’ll always be trapped in this state of confusion. Well, maybe not always, but I will for a while. I’m 22 and I act like my life will be over in three years and I can’t stop myself from doing this, being this frantic and fear-filled person. It sucks. I can’t help it. I envy all of you who grab life by the balls and just go for it. I envy those who just know. I hope I become that person one day. I hope I stop disappointing myself and my words. The solution is simple, I’m sure. But it isn’t and it’s a mind fuck and it’s been running me into the ground for years. In a good way, though. Kind of. In the bigger picture, I don’t know what I want to do.

I know I want to write, but I want to do more and be more for all the poor people out there who continue to let life score. Whose motivation hits the floor when they feel like they’re continuously running into a big, black door labeled ‘MORE’, and they simply can’t get in. The combination never worked before, so why keep trying or hoping that something better is in store? Why get up in the morning when all you’ll ever feel is deep sorrow in your core? The answers aren’t written in a book, they’re hidden behind big, black doors with unknown combinations that will never be recovered or restored.

Goodnight.

Not Really Sure

Hey!

I’m terrible with intros. Man, this week sucked. I mean…it suuuuuuucked. But, today is Friday. Fridays are always good. I haven’t really had the best time this week, but a really good friend of mine made sure I survived. She made sure that I was okay, that I was taken care of, and that I didn’t throw myself off of I-95. I didn’t really think I’d get through honestly. I mean, I know I would, but it just didn’t feel like it. It felt like someone took a pile of shit and threw it on top of my head. If everything goes well today, then the last piece of the puzzle will be completed. I’ll be done with this. I’ll be able to move on and set my sights on something bigger and better. I really wish money wasn’t so important. Anyway, I’m becoming acutely aware of where certain things are going. Where, you ask? Nowhere. They are going nowhere. I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be my friend for awhile bc he was too sexually attracted to me. I have another guy who texts me the most outlandish shit. For example: “How mad would you be if you found out that me and your mom had a baby right after I proposed to you?” Who says that? I said, “Not that this would ever happen, but I’ll entertain you. I’d be pretty upset…then I’d move on and realize you’re both fuckers.” To which he replied “I like your nipples.” He’s never seen my nipples. Then this other guy who is as confused as the sun in the dark. Make up your mind, do you want me or don’t you? Then another who thinks he loves me. And to make it worse, a guy that I’ve been friends with for a veeeery long time let his girlfriend disrespect me. This entire week, I’ve been feeling disrespected. Not one of those guys respect me in any way, and that is what I realized. They do things and say things that literally contradict EVERYTHING they say they feel toward me. And I don’t do that. I’m there, I’m present, I give, I tolerate, I listen, I’m patient, and understanding..&I don’t think I expect that much. Just do me how I do you. That’s not the case right now. I’m thinking it’s time I go on a little break from everyone. You’re all just fucking with my head and making things a bit worse for me. Life itself has just walked all over me, and I’m finally blogging about it because I’m over it. It’s Friday. It’s the weekend. I’m going to wear a crop top today and take selfies and thank God for allowing me to remain positive when nothing seems to be going right. There is one person who hasn’t insanely annoyed me this week and that’s my best friend. &my mother. But, let’s just go with my bff. Guys will never understand the bond that women can form. It’s one of the best things I’m my life right now. True friendship has pulled me out of the deepest woods, made me laugh when I thought I forgot how, made me realize that I’m better than I think I am. The guy version of her is J. He is perfection. He’s the best guy friend anyone can have. He loves me when I’m going ape shit, he loves me when I’m crying, he loves me when I don’t have anything..he’s consistent. The only consistent guy I know. He accepts me. He supports me. I appreciate them. I will always appreciate them. Everyone else has just made me want to hide into a corner. Made me want to shut my phone off and go to sleep for at least a few days. &what sucks is that with most of those guys, I’m in control. They don’t phase me, they’re just persistent and won’t stop chasing. But one…I can’t control anything. I want to, but I can’t. I tell myself that I will, but I don’t. Because he’s not a bad guy, he’s not mean, he’s genuine. Just confused. I deserve a lot more than confusion though. I deserve readiness. I deserve fearlessness. Let’s see. This week has allowed me to see myself in a new light. I’m pretty strong. I could try harder, I need to work on communicating, but I’m not all bad. There’s some awesomeness in here. Have a Good Friday, everyone

It’s That Time Again

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Finals Week.
I am particularly sad this morning because of all the homework assignments I’m drowning in. The picture(meme?) I used for this post accurately describes my life, and because I waited until the last minute, I am, in fact, a piece of shit. That’s what I was referring to in my blog post last week about being a flake. I was sitting down after having added up all the assignments I’d have to do in total, and I really wanted to punch myself. Nothing makes me feel worse than having to catch up with homework. I’ve had to forgo a lot of things so I can get everything done in time. Why I didn’t do my homework on time? Well, I’m a workaholic. Since the beginning of this semester, I’ve been working and well, my job pays me..and school doesn’t. That’s terrible to say, but it’s true. Anyway, I have more than enough time on my hands to get everything done, but I just want to write. Like right now, I should be doing anatomy homework, but I’m doing this. See my problem? I think I’m allergic to school. Hehe. To everyone who is also taking part in this hellish week, I wish you the best. To those of you who are done with school, I really don’t like you. Hope everyone has a great day!