theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Change

Loss.

I feel like I’m losing everything. I think despite everything that has happened within the last year or so, I’ve done pretty well with containing my emotions and not allowing it to stop my progress. Though, there are nights like tonight when it really just seems like everything has crashed and burned. On February 11th, my cat had a stroke. I dropped her off at the veterinarian so she could get spayed and I wish I could say that I had a bad feeling about it or like I felt like I was making a mistake, but I felt relieved. I was relieved that she would stop peeing in the house, that she wouldn’t go through heat anymore, and that I wouldn’t have to worry about her going out and getting pregnant. A few hours before I was told I’d have to pick her up, I received a call from her doctor and she told me they encountered a few issues during the surgery. When I got there, I thought my cat was dead. Her little eyes were staring blankly at the ceiling, and they were void of any vitality or buoyancy. She was hooked up to an IV, she had bandages around her little leg, and she looked so fucking dead. Right there in that moment, I felt my heart break. I felt it shrivel up and die inside of me. She couldn’t walk, she couldn’t see, she couldn’t meow, she couldn’t do anything. She wasn’t Lola. She was there, I could see her. But she wasn’t Lola. For the next two weeks, I lived in that hospital. I came in everyday, stayed until they closed, and I tried to get back what they took from her.

Things have gotten better, but they’re not what I’d like them to be. She’s still blind, she still has trouble walking and keeping herself upright, I can only give her water through a syringe, she still doesn’t meow, and she doesn’t know how to use her litter box anymore. There’s a bunch of other shit, but those are the major issues I’ve having trouble dealing with. You can imagine what my room smells like. Anyway, tonight is particularly torturous because she’s been having seizures all day. There’s medicine she’s supposed to take for that, but what I have here for her isn’t working. I can’t refill her prescription without the doctor signing off on it and she definitely would have, but I don’t even have any money to pay for her medicine. I sit here and I watch her die a little bit more each and every day and it just hurts so bad. I can’t explain the pain that courses through me every single day, but I imagine it’s worse for her. Everything about her is so sensitive now so I’m always worried something will happen to her. Maybe her lungs will collapse, or maybe she’ll die in her sleep, or maybe…maybe I’m killing her. I know this wasn’t my fault but it feels like it. When Lola came into my life, it felt like she saved me. I didn’t feel alone anymore because I had her, and she had me. I’m not at ashamed to say that she’s my best friend, but what happens when you’re faced with the decision to kill your best fucking friend? These last two weeks have not been easy. My mom has a heart condition and she was hospitalized last week because of it. During that, I would leave my house very early in the morning and come back late at night. I’d come home in the middle of the day, but Lola wasn’t receiving the care she deserved. That’s when I began toying around with the idea that I should euthanize her. And even just saying that, like are fucking kidding me? First, I lose my relationship, then I lose my dad, and now I have to figure out if I should kill my fucking cat? It’s just too much. I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel like I’m breaking into two pieces and I don’t care to salvage it. But I have to because I have school and work and my future and all this bullshit that I have to constantly fucking worry about when I just want to die all the time. I don’t want to feel this anymore. Most of my day has consisted of holding Lola as her tiny little body just convulsed and acted with a mind of its own. I know she wishes to be running up and down our house like she used to, playing around with anything that catches her eye, curling up to me at the end of the night so we can go to sleep.

I still curl up with her now and it feels just as real and amazing as it did before. Sometimes when we’re sleeping, she’ll try to resist the cuddle but then she’ll fall into it and just let herself go. She’ll nestle her little head into my neck and just lay there. But I never get the sense that she’s lying there peacefully. She always has this far-away look in her eyes and it’s like she’s thinking of her old life and that breaks my heart. Whenever she has a seizure, there’ll be a moment right before she breaks out into the full thing and she’ll look around frantically for me. I go to her and pick her up and kiss her everywhere but it’s like she’s begging me to make it stop. She’s waiting for her mom to protect her and I can’t. I can’t do anything for her because I took her life away from her. I’ve always imagined Lola in my future, and now that there’s a really big possibility of that not happening, I don’t really know how to make sense of anything. She’s such a good girl. She doesn’t deserve this. I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you, Lola. I’m so, so sorry.

Feeling defeated.

Advertisements

Evanescence

They sat on her front steps consumed by a loud quieting of emotions as the streets that lied before and beyond buzzed and roared with an excitement that escaped them. Neither of them had uttered a word since leaving the restaurant, but their silence spoke the truth they’d long been afraid to face. Lina always thought this moment would be filled with tears and hugs, along with the inability to let go, but all she felt was peace. It wasn’t unwelcomed, but it also wasn’t expected. She looked over at Dixon to find him gazing at her thoughtfully. Smirking, Lina grabbed his hand and turned away. They both sighed. Her mind travelled back to the start of their relationship and how they met. Closing her eyes, Lina imagined the way his hands used to feel on her back; always warm and always inviting the most vulnerable parts of her to come alive. She remembered how the sound of his laughter made her want to repeat the same joke ten times over again just so he’d make that same lovely sound. So she’d feel his body trembling, his eyes twinkling and ultimate contentment shining through his cracks and edges. Even in that moment, broken and filled with a promised life that would never come to fruition, she still felt an ease and comfortability she feared wouldn’t be found in another person. Right then, Lina desired the taste of his lips. She looked back over at him and squeezed his hand, beckoning his attention. When their eyes met, Lina’s mouth formed a small smile that she hoped would be reciprocated. Instead, Dixon sighed and said, “This is depressing.”

As if containing a mind of their own, Lina’s shoulders slumped and her hands slowly released their hold on Dixon’s. He protested and tried to revive the intimacy in that moment, but with three small words, it had disappeared.

Journal

IMG_4754.JPG

Whenever I love something or someone too much, I always fear that it’ll get taken away from me. Just now, I was looking at pictures of my cat and naturally, being the creep that I am, I started thinking of what my life would be like without her. I know that at some point, we won’t be able to be together and when that does happen, my life will go on. Life always goes on. The thing is, though, I have a really hard time letting go. I often daydream about my mother dying. I see my life crashing and burning, the pain twisting it’s poisonous knife in my body over and over again until I eventually kill myself. I daydream about what it would be like if I no longer had my sister around me…or if I’m dating someone, I constantly worry and fear for the end of our relationship. I really, really…really don’t like to let go of things. I don’t ever want to be in bed without Lola. I cringe at the thought that a day will come where she isn’t around to crawl on me, curl up next to me or smell my face. It’s scary, you know? The idea that nothing is of certain. The fact that we aren’t guaranteed anything in life, but death. That is all our one true common factor; we’re all gonna fucking die. And I’m okay with that. Maybe if we all just died at the same time it’d be easier?

When you’re used to losing things, you kind of start to think that everything else will follow the rotten trend as well. You begin to believe that you’re doomed to a world of perpetual sadness, eternal solitude, and…silence. Not the good kind, either. The kind that’ll drive you crazy and make you do anything for the slightest indication of human life around you. I don’t want to lose anymore than I already have, and when I look around at all the people I’m afraid of losing, I almost wish I wasn’t burdened with loving them at all. Yes, I’d much rather love and lose than to miss out on an experience so phenomenal and fulfilling, but the pain that ensues is something I can live without.

But then again, what’s life without pain?
This shit is overrated, I swear.

Stagnancy

I haven’t moved a muscle since
Last fall.
Leaves on trees have Grown&browned,
They’ve fallen&produced
New lives, new chances..
They have introduced a new day.
The wind blows wistfully,
Moving along in it’s passage..
Dancing to the rhythm of time..
Yet, I..
Remain stagnant.
I can’t find the courage to
Resist the comfortability in
Standing still.
The protection one feels in
Being frozen in silence..
Will eventually be replaced
By a gurgling fear
Smoothly rising from deep within..
Eerily reminding you of
Your stunted growth.
I’ve begun to feel a disconnection
With the wind&the leaves..
I’m being cheated by time,
&They’ve all come together like
A band of thieves…
Stealing my chances in the thick
Of the night..
But perhaps it’s on me
For choosing to diminish my own light..
To stand still in the shadows
Of the dark.
&Sternly refusing to be accepting
Of the clocks plight.

Noise

IMG_0945.JPG

Do you know what your own voice sounds like? It dawned on me today that I haven’t heard my own voice in a very long time. Maybe I’ve never heard it at all. If I did, did I recognize it? The only time the world makes sense to me is when I’m listening to music. The crooning of someone else’s soft, calm voice centers me. They fill in the void I constantly feel and they speak my thoughts aloud. But I’m too dependent on that. Now I’m questioning if my undying love for music is genuine or if it’s because I count on it to help me in every way possible. It’s probably a bit of both. For most of my life, I’ve been alone, and for most of my life, I’ve tried to get someone to place into my life so I wouldn’t be (&not just romantic interests). When I’m alone, I think too much. I analyze, I scrutinize, and well, I’m not always so nice to myself. It’s like I’m afraid of myself. What’s truly in my heart? What do I really want? I’ve spent years trying to figure those things out the wrong way, and I’m not saying that I’m gonna get my shit together now, but I’ve recognized my faults.

Like yesterday, I was sitting on top of my car, staring off into the glorious distance of one of favorite spots. Mumford and Sons blasted in my ears, and at that moment, everything made sense. Everything felt okay. Most days, I know that regardless, but music gives me that extra push. The encouraging boost that gets me through the day.

Greg Laswell said it best in his song And Then You: “How my thoughts they spin me ’round. How my thoughts they let me down.”
Like, yes! My thoughts need a leash or a nozzle or…both.

Someone told me recently that I expect too much from people. And I do. I expect more from people than I do myself because if someone else lets me down, I have the choice of continuing a relationship with that person. If I let myself down, I’m stuck with me. There’s no going back, there’s no running away. I would have to face myself, and I’m my toughest critic. I’m not sure I’d know how to deal again. Yet, by not dealing, I’m alienating my own self. Im missing out on who I am just because I think I already have myself figured out, but I don’t. I’m forcing myself onto other people and that’s not healthy. I’m allowing myself to be so open to people who possibly aren’t any good for me and could destroy me just so I don’t risk running into…me. Seeing myself. It’s just easier if someone else does it.

Hmm. Progress is being made here. Admitting is the first step right?

Good day, readers.

Sundays

IMG_4532.PNG

I miss the days when I was brave. The days when impulse and random occurrences ruled my life. Adrenaline raced through my veins, and let me just say, I was having a blast. During a conversation with a friend today, she shared that she wished it was the 70’s so she could really enjoy her life. I agreed and said that I would also love that because then, I could really enjoy my life, do what I want and truly not care. Then I wondered..when did I stop living? And more importantly, why do I feel like I can’t? I’m 21 years old, I’m healthy, I don’t have any major attachments. Why do I feel like my whole life has to be calculated and why the hell do I feel this pressure to be so settled right now? I don’t know when I got so scared. I’ve always been worrisome, but today I truly realized just how much my worrying interrupts the natural process of my life. Things should be fun, right? I know they can’t be all the time, but most of the time they should be.

“You gotta let it go. Please let it go.” The Gospel Whiskey Runners- A Stone’s Throw Away

Right as I finished typing that last sentence, that exact line played. I promise that just happened.

Here’s to good&bad decisions that make life as interesting as it is. And to stepping out of our comfort zones….And to not getting too stuck on life’s hang ups..because being happy feels really good.

Blossoms

Well hello 🙂

Today has been amazing. I’m the world’s biggest procrastinator and have been putting off my fall schedule/financial aid for the longest, but I finally got it done today. I don’t know why I put things off, it feels good doing things and getting shit done. Aside from that, I helped my sister move today. Yup! My sister ran for the hills and left me high and dry with an 8yr old brother whose energy level I seriously question. Just kidding, she moved to New York to begin her master’s program and I couldn’t be more proud. It’s going to be really tough because she’s the yang to my ying, the cheek to my butt, and the cheese to my macaroni. She’s my best friend. She gets my jokes, my gross humor, my random outbursts, she won’t judge me for not brushing my teeth until 2pm, nor will she tire of buying me McDonald’s cookies. It’s pretty strange for her to be gone, but I didn’t cry and neither did my mom. That’s saying a lot because we’re pretty sensitive. We told ourselves that she’s going on a really long trip. Although, I’m really going to miss running into her room in the middle of the night and screaming, “OMG watch this video, I’m in tears!” or “OMG did you see this picture she posted? What was she thinking?”

But oh my gosh, SHE LEFT ME SO MUCH SHIT. For one, I’m moving into her room. Now, my sister is super cutesy and girly, she has all these wonderful things and it’s all very organized. I’m the same way, but not as perfect. My room in my old apartment was amazing, but when I moved back home, I just took the room they had and didn’t care to fix it up or arrange it. The only thing I ever change in there are the sheets. The walls are a cute shade of yellow and I could do so much with it, but I never cared. But my sister’s room is perfect! There’s a cute little nook that has a desk, an awesome painting of Audrey, office supplies, a lamp, and a windowwwwww! It’s like something out of a book. Speaking of, she left me like six books, four bags, clothes, shoes, her ginormous television, hair things, and drawer space! I’m overly excited. Her clothes and shoes are going to be too big for me, but I can make it work. I always do. I just have to wash the sheets, move my things in there, and make it my new home. It’s all very grand. Makes saying goodbye that much easier, ha!

Can you tell she’s older than me?

Anyhow, I’ve been in an amazing mood all day. I hope it lasts. I just feel better about myself all around. This year so far has been preeettttyy sketchy, but I’m feeling very hopeful for the rest of the year. I can’t wait till August! I can’t wait to get back into school so I can complain about how much I hate it. But I don’t think I’ll say that because I’m taking 3 writing classes! Let’s all dance together.

And you know, this is all falling in place perfectly because my birthday is in 13 days (21 YAYYY!), I have a job (I hate it, but it pays), and I…well, I think that’s it.

I’m starting to feel more comfortable at home. I love being with my mom. If she had it her way, none of her kids would ever move out, but I secretly feel the same way.

Can you tell I’m the middle child?

I’m hoping that my sisters’ move won’t create a huge void in the house because her presence is so large and in charge, but so far, we’re faring pretty well. Then again, it’s only been a day.

Well, that’s all. No more feeling gross and dark. On my way to loving myself (thanks, Cat) and loving…whatever else I don’t love and should.

xoxo

*I was trying out the xoxo thing and I kind of like it. I never know how to end a post. I think I just found a way. Let’s all love it together.

 

Change Is Good, People

Image

Quick story that I thought was funny: I was editing my last post (Seasons) and for whatever reason, the page was showing me that my last post was Critical, which was a week ago. So I’m like “what?! It’s been a whole week? What the hell?” So then I told myself like whoa, you’ve gotta kick it up a notch, you know? Then I tried to think of what I’ve done in the last week and I could only remember yesterday, but that’s because I was trying so hard. So I went on my blog and saw that I’ve posted four times in the last week. WordPress almost made me hate myself.

Anyway, Good morning.

Today, I’m feeling particularly…inspired. I had two amazing conversations last night and I think I’m still on that high. Great conversations make me really giddy. Especially when it’s filled with laughter, insight, and free thinking. I hate having to stifle my true thoughts and emotions. Anyhow, I woke up thinking about change this morning. Hence the title of my latest poem Seasons. Did you guys get that? Because you know, seasons change. We change. Life changes. We go through….seasons! I thought I was clever for that. I’ve been trying to get better with titles. When I was younger, I was great with them. I don’t know what happened. Anyway (I say that so much but only because I get off topic a million times in one post), I’m coming to terms with the fact that change is good.

I’ve always been really afraid of change because it means that I lose things or that I’m no longer a certain way, but why is that bad? Change means growth. Sometimes, change means progress. Right now, I’m at a low point in life. Things have been pretty hard and it is quite the humbling experience, but you know what? My pockets aren’t filled, but my heart is and so is my mind. It’s important to be rich in other places than your bank account. Although, money is nice. Not the point.

I’ve experienced a lot of change lately. So much. I’ve moved, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve lost many friends (Just two, but that’s a lot for me), I started writing for magazines, I’ve been getting closer to God, and this morning, I’ve decided to change my attitude.

The things you see and do affect your perception of the world. On Instagram this morning, I followed a bunch of people I love who are totally fabulous and I followed lots of travel pages, and just pages that can inspire me. I unfollowed people that were bringing me down and reminding me of a person I once was. In Seasons (the poem), I wrote about how I hope this feeling lasts and I really hope it does because I’m so…wishy washy with my emotions sometimes. Like this morning, I’m great and I plan on having a wonderful and productive day, but tomorrow morning, I can wake up hating everything about life. But, when you change, you also change old habits. I’m on my way to becoming a better person and by doing that, I’m going to have to ditch my old coat.

Everything and everyone in my life right now serve a purpose. My friends and family are my support system. I recently went through a crisis that showed me exactly how much support I have around me. My struggle serves as inspiration. It serves as focus, determination, and strength. I’m not going to stay down, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m necessarily “down.” I’m just experiencing technical difficulties. My writing, my talent…well. That’s my livelihood. It’s my career, and right now, I’m sharpening my skills. I’m perfecting my craft until I’m exactly where I’d like to be. We all have to crawl before we can walk.

Which actually brings me to my next point. I’m almost done, I promise. I’m being patient with myself! More than anything, there’s so much pressure to be successful so early and so soon and already have this empire by the age of 10. It makes me so sad because I’m not there and I end up beating myself up and putting myself in a corner, and that’s not fair. Everyone’s life is different, we all have different things going. I can’t compare myself to Oprah. We are two different people. What I can do, though, is use Oprah as motivation. I’m learning this. It’s been a long and hard road, but I really think I’m shaping my mind and I’m becoming who I’d like to. I’m changing the way I see things. Who would’ve thought all this change would make me so happy? I’m telling you, I’ve always hated change. Anyway, I’m feeling good this morning. I’m going to try harder, be better, and accept the things that come into my life…take them in stride. I know I’ll be sad some days, but the beauty is not staying that way. Taking my sadness and turning into something great. Like the Kardashians. Have you guys noticed that EVERY TIME they’re humiliated in one way or another, they flip it and turn it into a success? Say what you want, but those people are pretty damn smart.

I was going to say that I’m going to work on making my posts less lengthy, but I’d be lying. I naturally write a lot. I’ve accepted that of myself. Imagine my text messages to people. I just have a lot to say all the time. Someone, somewhere will appreciate it. I’m going to go make pancakes.

I hope everyone has a lovely day :

Listen to happy music, do happy things, eat happy food. 

Seasons

Image

“I’ve never been so deep inside a shadow,”

I think I’m keeping myself from my own light..

Shielding myself from what’s bright

&it’s not intentional, I don’t think.

Maybe it is and each time I blink

I close my eyes on the world,

Close my eyes on possible potential…

&I lose out on everything.

I’m having a hard time accepting myself

Because I’d like to be better.

Yet, I keep running into this wall of old habits

&all these old memories keep acting as a fetter,

So you know what I’ll do? I’m gonna write a letter,

I’m going to tell my past that I’m feeling pretty stellar.

I’m no longer blue, I’ve changed my color.

I’ve taken on a different hue.

This time a bright shade of pink,

&it’s accompanied with a smile.

I’ve decided that’s my new style.

I just wish I could accept it forever and not just for awhile

This shadow is cruel and stretches for miles and miles…

But I don’t dare to be frightened by such things

I’m no longer being held up by someone else’s strings,

I’m feeling free, so free I’ll fly over the world

With my special little wings.

I really just hope I can accept it forever

So forever, that never becomes never.