theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Category: Blogger

Numb.

A box filled with anguish landed in my palms today.

Suppressed feelings of dreariness emerged and down the black hole I went,

Spiraling down into obscurity.

This cocoon of gloom never strays because it knows I never will.

I may flirt with tranquility, fluttering my wings into communities of others who don’t feel like me,

My doubt is pushed past, my fear ignored,

But the many masks of a dancing fool can never truly disguise

The numbness.

 

On the outside, I am holding onto a fantasy with bleeding fingers.

All the while, Emptiness cheers.

She twists and shouts along to the music of Hopelessness.

Somberness grabs Rejection, leads her into a dip

And my nausea sets in.

The spotlight shines on Burden and Grief as they

Seemingly float across my heart,

And the crowd goes wild.

I take deep breaths and try again to ignore

The boom and bass of Brokenness’ drum as it

Creates an entrance for the shrill cymbal of Numbness.

But the whole gang erupts in celebration, and I become small.

 

I melt into the box and allow myself to find comfort

In the most consistent emotion I try so hard to conceal.

The numbness breathes life into me and I oblige.

It reminds me I am nothing, and I harbor it in my head.

Deeper and deeper, down into the emptiness,

Tumbling past my corpse of what was

And falling into a pit of what currently is.

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Words

Sometimes I feel like no one can ever truly love me.

So when someone finally does, it’s like…

Really?

Well then, you must be the only one

And I must latch on to you before you realize that the sun has gone.

And as if the shades have been drawn,

Darkness has overcome, and that’s what was won.

But actually, it’s ‘who’ because the darkness is me.

Perhaps my mind has been brewed like coffee beans,

Because I believe that I’m screwed so up

That down looks like freedom.

It feels like it make sense, so when you say you love me

It’s like… are you sure?

Sometimes I feel like I’ll never let anyone truly love me.

The words sound so foreign when they tumble out of your mouth.

Doing kickstands and cartwheels, backhand springs of,

“You’re so beautiful”, hand stands based on “I’ll never leave you,”

Looking for the twinkle in my eyes as your tongue dances

While you reveal your love to I…

Am so messed up that I can’t even believe you.

It’s not you, it’s me and the thoughts that won’t let me breathe.

The ones that suffocate me with threads of hate, weaved

So intricately that even those of Ariadne couldn’t compete.

I try to resurface each time you open your mouth,

Each time I look into your eyes and the corners of your mouth raise up

With brightness and hope that perhaps…

I’m normal.

But the thoughts…

The persistence of this self-deprecation is much too strong

For your words laced with beauty.

They outnumber the “I love you’s”

That are seemingly dipped in diamonds and jewelry.

They rise up with vengeance and armor to combat your devotion to me.

So… again, I drown.

Again, I fall.

Again, I believe that you are just speaking.

That you are just trying to trap me into believing

That you, a person, a whole other soul could actually love me.

Now you’re just being mean.

I don’t believe you because I don’t believe me

When I say that I love someone like I…

Who is so messed up.

Screwed so up that my vision of freedom

Has now become distorted.

A.N. – This is more so a spoken word piece so while reading, the flow may feel off. Try to take pauses as you go along and allow the seemingly misuse of sentence structure be an element of poetry used at my whim.

Loss.

I feel like I’m losing everything. I think despite everything that has happened within the last year or so, I’ve done pretty well with containing my emotions and not allowing it to stop my progress. Though, there are nights like tonight when it really just seems like everything has crashed and burned. On February 11th, my cat had a stroke. I dropped her off at the veterinarian so she could get spayed and I wish I could say that I had a bad feeling about it or like I felt like I was making a mistake, but I felt relieved. I was relieved that she would stop peeing in the house, that she wouldn’t go through heat anymore, and that I wouldn’t have to worry about her going out and getting pregnant. A few hours before I was told I’d have to pick her up, I received a call from her doctor and she told me they encountered a few issues during the surgery. When I got there, I thought my cat was dead. Her little eyes were staring blankly at the ceiling, and they were void of any vitality or buoyancy. She was hooked up to an IV, she had bandages around her little leg, and she looked so fucking dead. Right there in that moment, I felt my heart break. I felt it shrivel up and die inside of me. She couldn’t walk, she couldn’t see, she couldn’t meow, she couldn’t do anything. She wasn’t Lola. She was there, I could see her. But she wasn’t Lola. For the next two weeks, I lived in that hospital. I came in everyday, stayed until they closed, and I tried to get back what they took from her.

Things have gotten better, but they’re not what I’d like them to be. She’s still blind, she still has trouble walking and keeping herself upright, I can only give her water through a syringe, she still doesn’t meow, and she doesn’t know how to use her litter box anymore. There’s a bunch of other shit, but those are the major issues I’ve having trouble dealing with. You can imagine what my room smells like. Anyway, tonight is particularly torturous because she’s been having seizures all day. There’s medicine she’s supposed to take for that, but what I have here for her isn’t working. I can’t refill her prescription without the doctor signing off on it and she definitely would have, but I don’t even have any money to pay for her medicine. I sit here and I watch her die a little bit more each and every day and it just hurts so bad. I can’t explain the pain that courses through me every single day, but I imagine it’s worse for her. Everything about her is so sensitive now so I’m always worried something will happen to her. Maybe her lungs will collapse, or maybe she’ll die in her sleep, or maybe…maybe I’m killing her. I know this wasn’t my fault but it feels like it. When Lola came into my life, it felt like she saved me. I didn’t feel alone anymore because I had her, and she had me. I’m not at ashamed to say that she’s my best friend, but what happens when you’re faced with the decision to kill your best fucking friend? These last two weeks have not been easy. My mom has a heart condition and she was hospitalized last week because of it. During that, I would leave my house very early in the morning and come back late at night. I’d come home in the middle of the day, but Lola wasn’t receiving the care she deserved. That’s when I began toying around with the idea that I should euthanize her. And even just saying that, like are fucking kidding me? First, I lose my relationship, then I lose my dad, and now I have to figure out if I should kill my fucking cat? It’s just too much. I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel like I’m breaking into two pieces and I don’t care to salvage it. But I have to because I have school and work and my future and all this bullshit that I have to constantly fucking worry about when I just want to die all the time. I don’t want to feel this anymore. Most of my day has consisted of holding Lola as her tiny little body just convulsed and acted with a mind of its own. I know she wishes to be running up and down our house like she used to, playing around with anything that catches her eye, curling up to me at the end of the night so we can go to sleep.

I still curl up with her now and it feels just as real and amazing as it did before. Sometimes when we’re sleeping, she’ll try to resist the cuddle but then she’ll fall into it and just let herself go. She’ll nestle her little head into my neck and just lay there. But I never get the sense that she’s lying there peacefully. She always has this far-away look in her eyes and it’s like she’s thinking of her old life and that breaks my heart. Whenever she has a seizure, there’ll be a moment right before she breaks out into the full thing and she’ll look around frantically for me. I go to her and pick her up and kiss her everywhere but it’s like she’s begging me to make it stop. She’s waiting for her mom to protect her and I can’t. I can’t do anything for her because I took her life away from her. I’ve always imagined Lola in my future, and now that there’s a really big possibility of that not happening, I don’t really know how to make sense of anything. She’s such a good girl. She doesn’t deserve this. I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you, Lola. I’m so, so sorry.

Feeling defeated.

Echo

Your voice echoes in my dreams.

The sound of your laughter haunts me

And finds me in each dream sequence

Making sure to remind me that’s the only place

It’ll ever frequent.

The sight of you is now fuzzy and gray.

It has disappeared in the restless fray,

Beside you and my heart…

Which are all along for the joyride

That continues to destroy the state of my being.

I feel you within me in some moments.

But in others,

You are what you’ve become

And that is when I unravel

And become undone.

Your voice…

It echoes in my dreams.

It slowly withers away

As the sun rises and dreamland fades,

New thoughts emerge,

But they drown in the waves of

Everything that depraves me

Of normalcy.

So I sit. And I wait.

For the sound of your voice

To romanticize my mind

Until dawns early light

Allows me to wake.

And you, yet again, manage to escape

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

My Heart

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Our song came on this morning as I was getting dressed and it took me back. I relished the moment for a few seconds, but I decided not to give you the satisfaction. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to feel nostalgic or feel remorse because truthfully, I’m perfectly happy where I am. A part of me does wish it was you, but it isn’t you for a reason. I don’t particularly want to think about why it isn’t. I’m happy that you’re happy and I want you to want me to be happy, and if you were wondering, I am happy. I’m in a different place with a different person and I’d like to stay here. My mind takes me back to our days and night, our secrets, laughs, fights…but then I pull myself away because that’s not who we are anymore. That’s not what we’re doing anymore and I’m okay with that. It hurt for awhile, it left a sour taste in my mouth and I longed for you, but I’m not sure if you felt the same. I guess I should be thankful for that because the uncertainty, your uncertainty, pushed me to move on. Now that I have, I’m…okay. I’m happy. Are you?

7:55

On the outside, I’m functioning. I walk, talk, breathe and speak like the rest of the people in this world, but on the inside, I’m curled up in a dark corner. I haven’t moved an inch from my rusting, dingy post since last fall, and every time I think I might’ve slayed the dragon within, it finds a way to pull me back in. It speaks to me in a low, coarse tone, expanding the shrill fear that is embedded in my blood. It furthers my sick belief in the validity of my insecurities, and then, I am stuck. I am left rocking back and forth in the corner of my mind while I smile and wave politely at the onlookers from here to those beyond. But on the inside, I’m drowning and sinking in an ocean of doubt and self-hatred, and it feels so…good here. I’ve cried sordid tears of blood for years, and over time, those tears have formed a batch of their own, forging the self-destruction that was created at the hand of my own knife. So really, this is all I know. I might even call it home. I often wonder what life was like before I allowed my brain and my innocence to crumble under the tyranny of my weaknesses. When did I stop fighting the good fight, only to go to war against myself? I’ve called to the gods of the world begging for a life other than mine. Perhaps a bird who is unrestricted by all other than the limits of the sky. Or maybe, a shoe, or a pair of eyes to see the beauty in all things dreary, ears to hear the music in all that has been silenced. If just for a moment, I could not be me, perhaps I’d understand how I allowed the demise of my soul. Everywhere you look, there are magical words of wisdom and encouragement that are supposed to raise you up from the ashes of a hypothetical death, make you shiny and pretty, and then send you off into the world to be brand new. A “new you!” they say. What they fail to understand is that when you’ve squelched your own light by choking it with the darkness residing within, there aren’t any amount of adjectives and verbs that will make you love yourself. There isn’t a step-by-step guide on how to wake up every day and not want to die. Just once, I want to look at myself and be grateful for my existence. I want to relish the accolades that I’ve redeemed rather than be misunderstanding of how a person so emotionally and mentally distraught could be worthy of such things. Ah, and there it is. The truth has spilled out. I am completely unworthy and undeserving of life and breath, but for some reason, I am still here. There is a war going on at the top of my staircase, and a small child looks on with glassy, hopeless eyes. She gazes at the filth before her and understands that life will never be the same. And right in front of the gun-toting, blood-stained monster, she kills herself before it killed her. Knowing she’d never win was more than she could bear.

Electricity

I’m in pretty deep and I want you in deeper.

I want you so close that you feel what I feel when you’re near

That you can taste your own essence on my lips.

Can we move together?

Can we breathe shallowly in unison as you look into my eyes while I take you in?

You’re a surge of electricity.

You’re a wild ride in the throes of the middle of the night…

&the fear I feel that this feeling will end is dawn approaching with a new day.

A bitter reality.

But yet, it could never erase the dreams we fulfilled

Through the midst of a brazen fire

That seems to grow every single time…

You touch me.

Baby, please do it again.

Please lick me right there and kiss me like that

So I can wake up in the morning and actually want to keep going.

Intertwine your hands with mine

As my back arches, my breathing deepens, and my grip tightens

All in response to the way you make me feel.

Oh, the way you make me feel

Continuously…

Endlessly.

I ache for you fervently.

Longing to taste you and have you…

Touch you and please you.

Can we move together?

Can you lay kisses down my neck while I take you in?

Respond to me as I call your name…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

There’s a particular beauty in the blossoming

Of new tales…

Like each time you lick me right there,

Kiss me like that…

Spread me open and pin my hands back…

Our story gets just a little deeper

&we get just a little closer.

Please let me feel you..

Let me breathe you in until I explode…

Your name rising from the ashes

&pouring out of my lips…

Over and over

As the burgeoning sun proclaims

His space.

Can we move together?

Will you let me hold you tightly while I take you in?

Hmm…

How do you all feel about church? Do you attend weekly, monthly, annually, or only on special holidays? Does going to church make you feel closer to God? Do you feel absolved of your sins when you go to church?

I’m Seventh-Day Adventist and on Saturdays, we celebrate (?), maybe partake (I’ve never quite known how to say that) in the Sabbath and we go to church. I’ve been SDA my whole life, I’ve been to a lot of churches, I’ve seen a lot of shit. So much so that at this point in my life, many years ago actually, I realized that church isn’t exactly at the top of my list of places I’d like to go. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate church. What I appreciate the most about church is that for many people, it serves as a safe haven. You come there, you feel welcomed, you feel accepted, and you feel whole. That’s not always the experience, but more often than not, that’s how it is and how it feels. You feel free to talk to God about everything, divulge the dirty details of your thoughts (even though He already knows them) and be completely honest about whatever it is you’re trying to hide deep down. I’ve come across some amazing people in church, and it’s cool, but…it’s just not my…thing? Here’s the problem though. I’ve grown up in this religion, I’ve been held to the standards that this religion projects, and it has kind of led me astray. Not even just mine, religion as a whole. For example, I don’t feel like going to church this morning. I go with my family every Saturday, but today, I just don’t want to go. Yet, I feel very guilty. I feel like I’m sinning and I know that in just a few moments, my mother is going to come in my room and lecture me about how I have time for everything else, but can’t give God a few hours of my time. And in a way, she’s right, but that’s not what it is. Some conservative Christians are under the impression that the only way you can find God and be with God is if you go to church. As if God only roams the halls of holy sanctities. Some forget that God lives and exists in all of us. He’s everywhere! I don’t think that sitting in a pew and listening to a “man of God” tell me how the end is near and that I need to solidify my relationship with Christ will actually bring me closer to Christ. I believe in defining moments. I believe that daily instances will show Gods face more than anything else. But yet, I still feel guilty. That, of course, has to do a lot with my upbringing, but I don’t know. I don’t want to feel like I’m doing something wrong, but am I? Is it possible to manage, or lead, a healthy life of spirituality and adhere to the ideals of your faith without going to church?

8:36

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There was once a time in my life
When I thought you were the one.
But I slowly began to realize
That I was coming undone.
Crumbling bit by narrowing bit..
Tumbling down your rabbit hole.
You made me weak.
You offered me a reality so shiny
That in turn became bleak..
So bleak, it shut me down
&I became silent&meek.
I shunned my own mind..
Feared my possibilities.
Simply because I thought that if
My light shined brighter than yours..
You’d leave me for an eternity
That I refused to withstand.
Why did you do this to me?
I offered you my spirit,
My whole heart&soul..
Thinking you would endear it.
Thinking you would cherish it..
Hold it tight&never let it go.
But you did.
I let you break it down
&throw it to the wind.
We watched in unison as it
Flew to the sky..up in the mighty
Clouds&ultimately disappeared into
The places of the universe that
We can never see…
&I stood there wondering what I
Could’ve ever done for you to
Want to ruin me.