Violent Dream

Feels like I’m losing my mind a little bit. It also feels like I have a major issue with just….shutting up sometimes. I’m working on a story right now, but I had to stop and let my mind breathe. I’m feeling a lot of things right now and I felt like I was allowing my emotions to cloud my judgement. My story was taking an unnecessary turn.

I work in five hours. But I have to be up in four. Yet..I’m up writing, thinking, drinking, regretting. Also listening to music. Wishing I could be out of my skin for a bit.

Last night, a good friend of mine told me I had an incredible quality, and when I asked which quality he was referring to, he said that I possess the quality to love whole heartedly. He said not too many people have that, and I really appreciated it. He’s right though. I love..a lot and I love hard. Sometimes it bubbles over because it’s so much and I can only let it out through my words. It comes out in an uncontrollably emotional, confused and angry rant..&each time, I regret it. It never fails. I am obsessed with expressing myself and I have this thing where I feel like people’s feelings should be heard and understood. I also believe that my life is a movie.

My head is spinning. But I’m listening to a great song. All these songs are great. Fuck, I love music.

I am trying to be not so…erratic, but then I wouldn’t be me. This is me. I can’t help it. I have a lot of love inside of me. Sometimes it spills. Decisions I’ve made, I have to live with..beds I’ve made, I have to lie in. Words I’ve said..well, I can’t take them back.

I think about that night at the beach a lot.

I don’t think I’m going to bed any time soon and that angers me because I have to be up so early. I can’t finish this story tonight either.

Is anyone else up right now?

Life is so weird. It’s not funny, it’s just really fucking weird.

I named this post after the song that was playing when I finished it. Just in case anyone was wondering.


5 thoughts on “Violent Dream

  1. I love exactly how you love. It was rough for me at first but now I know how to keep it under wraps and it makes all of my relationships that much better. What’s your story about? What happened that night at the beach?

    1. I love how I love too, but I’m afraid it might be too much. It’s overwhelming and I don’t exactly know what to do with or about it. It can be frightening, you know? I never know how to explain that. How do you keep it under wraps? I always feel the need to share.

      My story is a continuation. Awhile ago, I wrote a story called Nostalgia about Annabelle and Matthew and their complicated love affair. This one I’m writing now doesn’t pick up where I left off, it’s just a different scene. I really, really enjoy them. Their love is so real.

      And that night at the beach..well, I fell in love under a red moon. That’s what I’m having trouble with now.

      What is love like for you?

      1. Love is everything to me. It’s the highs and the lows. It’s the strength of knowing this man is the only man that there ever was for me and it’s him knowing the same exact thing and treating me like it. It’s anger and acceptance when things happen because in my heart there’s no one else. I could go on for days. That’s how much I am in love with my man. It’s so sad but it’s the truth. I find new things every day that I love about him and how he makes me feel and all of that jazz.

        I keep the over emotional stuff under wraps by thinking about the situation and putting two other people in my situation and thinking how they would react because they’re more rational than I am. I used to have the WORST problem with saying something to a guy and then expecting him to say these wonderful things because that’s what I felt in my heart or that’s what I would say to him. But I stopped those feelings and started enjoying the sweet things that were said. I took it for what it was not what my over emotional self wanted it to be or what I wanted to make it

      2. That’s beautiful. How long have you guys been together? I love that you find something different to love about him each day. I’m the same way. Maybe it’s the way he smirks while he drives. The way he holds your hand..loosely, but firm enough to know he feels that you’re his. Or maybe it’s the way he stares right at you while you’re talking so you know you are his main focus. Love is grand. It’s amazing. And I can totally relate to the highs and low things, I don’t know what my life would be like if my heart wasn’t so big. I love to love any and everything.

        Omg I need to be like you. Teach me your ways? I’m stuck between my mind telling me to shut up and my heart telling me to live out this fantasy where I express myself and it all ends beautifully and happily. I’m going to try putting other people in it, perhaps I’ll be more rational. I’ll do my best to enjoy the moment as it is and not overwhelm it with my insane feelings. It feels like I never learn from past mistake and I know i need to reel it in…it’s just so hard when I have total word vomit.

        You’ve clearly gained wisdom in all of this. Hopefully I will too.

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