Clocked Out

by farrahdomid

My biggest fear has come true.
Well, one of them.

I’ve allowed my mediocre ass job to take over my creative freedom. When I’m not working, I’m tired. When I’m not tired, I’m working. I spend most of my down time on Netflix or working out, and that leaves no time for my writing. It’s been making me sad for some time, but yet, I don’t do anything to change it.

I’m actually at work right now. I’m on break just sitting in my car, and I’m deciding to break the mold. I don’t want to be someone who forgets about my art because I’m too tired from working a minimum wage job. I don’t want to be too lazy to create characters and bring life to different worlds. I want to continue doing what I do and I guess I just need to find that balance. Perhaps I can do this more often. My break is an hour so I can just write on my down time, you know? Anyhow, I don’t plan on staying at this job for long. I’m actually surprised I’ve lasted because the old me would’ve already quit by now. The keyword in that sentence is old.

I’ve noticed myself changing in many ways recently, and I can’t say I don’t like what I see. I’m maturing and evolving and becoming an adult. I’ve had my own responsibilities and my own life to take care of since I was 18, but when I moved back to my moms house, I felt like a child. But as of lately, it hasn’t felt that way. I feel like a new person. I’ve been doing things I don’t necessarily want to do, but I do anyway because I know I have to. A lot of bad things have been thrown into my life (one bad thing happens, 100more things come along) and I haven’t been letting any of it get to me. I can’t say I’ve been happier, but I’ve been dealing in a pretty decent way. Normally, I just crash. But I haven’t.

It’s interesting though because along the way, I’ve lost two things. I’ve lost my will to write, and I lost my resolve. I started doing something that I swore I’d never do again (no, not drugs), and what makes it worse is that half the time, I don’t even want to do it. I just always feel like I have to. When that pressure comes down, there’s no stopping it. I’m not strong enough to face it. As for my will to write, I know it’ll come back to me. I just need to push myself, and I plan on it. Anyway, I hope everyone’s been doing well. If not, I hope you all have a good way to deal with the bullshit. Trouble doesn’t last always.

My break will be over soon. I’m gonna try to lay down with my eyes closed. I’m listening to some pretty great music right now, too. I’m pretty calm…until I have to clock back in.
Groan.

Goodnight

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