Clocked Out

My biggest fear has come true.
Well, one of them.

I’ve allowed my mediocre ass job to take over my creative freedom. When I’m not working, I’m tired. When I’m not tired, I’m working. I spend most of my down time on Netflix or working out, and that leaves no time for my writing. It’s been making me sad for some time, but yet, I don’t do anything to change it.

I’m actually at work right now. I’m on break just sitting in my car, and I’m deciding to break the mold. I don’t want to be someone who forgets about my art because I’m too tired from working a minimum wage job. I don’t want to be too lazy to create characters and bring life to different worlds. I want to continue doing what I do and I guess I just need to find that balance. Perhaps I can do this more often. My break is an hour so I can just write on my down time, you know? Anyhow, I don’t plan on staying at this job for long. I’m actually surprised I’ve lasted because the old me would’ve already quit by now. The keyword in that sentence is old.

I’ve noticed myself changing in many ways recently, and I can’t say I don’t like what I see. I’m maturing and evolving and becoming an adult. I’ve had my own responsibilities and my own life to take care of since I was 18, but when I moved back to my moms house, I felt like a child. But as of lately, it hasn’t felt that way. I feel like a new person. I’ve been doing things I don’t necessarily want to do, but I do anyway because I know I have to. A lot of bad things have been thrown into my life (one bad thing happens, 100more things come along) and I haven’t been letting any of it get to me. I can’t say I’ve been happier, but I’ve been dealing in a pretty decent way. Normally, I just crash. But I haven’t.

It’s interesting though because along the way, I’ve lost two things. I’ve lost my will to write, and I lost my resolve. I started doing something that I swore I’d never do again (no, not drugs), and what makes it worse is that half the time, I don’t even want to do it. I just always feel like I have to. When that pressure comes down, there’s no stopping it. I’m not strong enough to face it. As for my will to write, I know it’ll come back to me. I just need to push myself, and I plan on it. Anyway, I hope everyone’s been doing well. If not, I hope you all have a good way to deal with the bullshit. Trouble doesn’t last always.

My break will be over soon. I’m gonna try to lay down with my eyes closed. I’m listening to some pretty great music right now, too. I’m pretty calm…until I have to clock back in.



9 thoughts on “Clocked Out

  1. Whenever bad things start happening around me, I start looking at my life. when obstacles crop up, or bombs start going off in my life, I look at what direction I’m headed. Generally those things are signs. Signs that we are either not doing what we need to in our lives, or we are headed down the wrong path. They are like roadsigns trying to tell us which direction we should be going. Then too when I start doing things I generally wouldn’t do (like the last couple days of my life recently) it is because I am running away from something, either something I am afraid of or because I have turned away from who I really am. When I become afraid, then i become destructive. I try to sabotage everything that is good in my life. I have to find out what I am afraid of so I will stop the destructive behaviour, so I can see what is so god awful and whether it really is worth destroying my life over it. Generally it isn’t. Generally if I discover the reason for my fear it then disappears in a blink of the eye and my destructive behaviour disappears with it. The hardest thing is looking at it and letting yourself see the truth. Writing helps if you are honest with yourself, so I do encourage you to keep on writing and do it whenever you can. I have learned there are always other options, always other paths to take, we just have to choose wisely. Take care Farrah, and be good to yourself. You deserve it.

    1. I can’t say that I disagree with you. I think I’m in too much of a sensitive place to decide whether the path I’m on is wrong or destructive, but I do know that I need to make some changes. I’m ready for my life to take off, but it isn’t happening as quickly as I’d like. I’m trying to be patient. And yes, I do need to take care of myself. Take some time to be selfish to my own needs instead of putting others before myself. I truly believe that is one reason why I am where I am. But we all go through things so that in the end, we can become who we’re destined to be. I don’t plan on giving up anytime soon. Thank you, Kate 🙂 You be good to yourself too.

  2. I know the feeling as things in your life can suck the will to write…damn you job…got to go off to buy powerball tickets

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