Not Really Sure

by farrahdomid

Hey!

I’m terrible with intros. Man, this week sucked. I mean…it suuuuuuucked. But, today is Friday. Fridays are always good. I haven’t really had the best time this week, but a really good friend of mine made sure I survived. She made sure that I was okay, that I was taken care of, and that I didn’t throw myself off of I-95. I didn’t really think I’d get through honestly. I mean, I know I would, but it just didn’t feel like it. It felt like someone took a pile of shit and threw it on top of my head. If everything goes well today, then the last piece of the puzzle will be completed. I’ll be done with this. I’ll be able to move on and set my sights on something bigger and better. I really wish money wasn’t so important. Anyway, I’m becoming acutely aware of where certain things are going. Where, you ask? Nowhere. They are going nowhere. I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be my friend for awhile bc he was too sexually attracted to me. I have another guy who texts me the most outlandish shit. For example: “How mad would you be if you found out that me and your mom had a baby right after I proposed to you?” Who says that? I said, “Not that this would ever happen, but I’ll entertain you. I’d be pretty upset…then I’d move on and realize you’re both fuckers.” To which he replied “I like your nipples.” He’s never seen my nipples. Then this other guy who is as confused as the sun in the dark. Make up your mind, do you want me or don’t you? Then another who thinks he loves me. And to make it worse, a guy that I’ve been friends with for a veeeery long time let his girlfriend disrespect me. This entire week, I’ve been feeling disrespected. Not one of those guys respect me in any way, and that is what I realized. They do things and say things that literally contradict EVERYTHING they say they feel toward me. And I don’t do that. I’m there, I’m present, I give, I tolerate, I listen, I’m patient, and understanding..&I don’t think I expect that much. Just do me how I do you. That’s not the case right now. I’m thinking it’s time I go on a little break from everyone. You’re all just fucking with my head and making things a bit worse for me. Life itself has just walked all over me, and I’m finally blogging about it because I’m over it. It’s Friday. It’s the weekend. I’m going to wear a crop top today and take selfies and thank God for allowing me to remain positive when nothing seems to be going right. There is one person who hasn’t insanely annoyed me this week and that’s my best friend. &my mother. But, let’s just go with my bff. Guys will never understand the bond that women can form. It’s one of the best things I’m my life right now. True friendship has pulled me out of the deepest woods, made me laugh when I thought I forgot how, made me realize that I’m better than I think I am. The guy version of her is J. He is perfection. He’s the best guy friend anyone can have. He loves me when I’m going ape shit, he loves me when I’m crying, he loves me when I don’t have anything..he’s consistent. The only consistent guy I know. He accepts me. He supports me. I appreciate them. I will always appreciate them. Everyone else has just made me want to hide into a corner. Made me want to shut my phone off and go to sleep for at least a few days. &what sucks is that with most of those guys, I’m in control. They don’t phase me, they’re just persistent and won’t stop chasing. But one…I can’t control anything. I want to, but I can’t. I tell myself that I will, but I don’t. Because he’s not a bad guy, he’s not mean, he’s genuine. Just confused. I deserve a lot more than confusion though. I deserve readiness. I deserve fearlessness. Let’s see. This week has allowed me to see myself in a new light. I’m pretty strong. I could try harder, I need to work on communicating, but I’m not all bad. There’s some awesomeness in here. Have a Good Friday, everyone

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