This will be short.

I am overly critical of myself, and I’m not sure how to stop it. I always think someone is mad at me, that they think I’m not good enough, smart enough, or anything worth hanging on to I guess. I have this constant fear that people will just get tired of me and that I’m ruining things for them. If they want me to do something for or with them, I feel like they immediately regret it. I’m not sure why I do this to myself. It tends to wear me down. I spend so much time worrying and freaking out and thinking all these terrible thoughts when most of the time, what I’m killing myself over isn’t even happening.

I like to be liked. That’s my problem. I like to be favored by people and because I want it so much, I think that I’m not. That everyone just thinks I’m this gross person when I know I’m not. I wish I could trust myself more. I wish I could encourage myself to be and do better, but not only that, I wish I could just support myself. Be proud of myself. I hate the fact that I doubt myself so much. I doubt myself in almost everything I do, and it tends to show in the worst ways. I become annoying. I become sensitive and defensive, and it’s just me showing my feelings in a way that isn’t conducive to finding real solutions. I don’t know, I’m crazy.

Here’s the truth: I know myself. I know myself very well. I may be overly critical most of the time, but I know my shortcomings and I feel that once someone talks to me long enough or hangs around me, they’ll notice these things too and totally get turned off by me. Hmm. 


5 thoughts on “Critical

  1. Wow – I wish I could leave a helpful comment but the truth is I feel exactly the same way about myself. Creates a great anxiety within. I am happiest when I am pleasing others, but often have no idea how to please myself.

    1. I couldn’t have said that better myself. I wish I thought to write that. It’s so hard to be okay with myself because I’m so worried about what others think of me that my own opinion gets tossed so I just judge myself so harshly. It’s a tough spot to be in. I’m sorry you know this feeling because it isn’t pleasant, but I’m glad someone understands

  2. farrah, this resonated so deep within me. you and I seem to be two sides of the same coin sometimes, you write what I have felt so clearly. I’m learning that much of what I felt is due to me not accepting my true nature. It wasn’t so much about others accepting me. It was and is about me accepting myself, seeing who I truly am. I’m still working on all of this. It isn’t an easy road and sometimes I feel myself slip back into those old habits of thinking poorly about myself. When I do, I remind myself its okay, and to really look at who I am. It is hard to remove all the hardware we have built up to protect ourselves from all the harsh words, hard looks, disappointments and what others expect us to be like instead of accepting us for who we are. To make my life better I walked away from those who would not, or could not accept my choices in life or who I am. I didn’t need them beating me down. I now find those who support me, encourage me, and help pick me up when I fall. We should be hard on ourselves but only in a good way, only in what will make us better, not what will tear us down. Be good to yourself and don’t let anyone else tear you down, but above all don’t let yourself tear you down. Forgive yourself and then look at all the wonderful and beautiful things you are. -Kate

    1. You know what’s crazy? We project. Because we don’t accept ourselves and find so many flaws in ourselves, we expect for people to see those things. We expect for people to be immediately put off by it, and when it doesn’t happen, we wait for that other ball to drop. It’s a terrible feeling. I’ve come a long way because I was much worse, but I agree, we have to surround ourselves with people who accept us for the good and the bad and love us through every emotion, every kind of behavior, every rainy day..we have to be stronger in ourselves because no one can do that for us. I hope we both come to terms with the fact that we are beautiful people. We aren’t perfect, and we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be. Whenever I write journals, I always hope that you’ll comment and understand, and you do. It’s nice knowing that you’re not the only person driving yourself crazy lol. I love that we relate. You are wonderful, Kate. I hope you continue to surround yourself with positive influences rather than negative ones so that you can one day love yourself without a single inclination of doubt.

      1. Thank you, I hope the same for you as well. This journey I am on has been the best thing I have ever done for myself and I am learning to do just that, love myself. We all deserve a beautiful life and you do too.

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