I’m not even sure how to go about starting this, I just need to release. I’ve been watching TV all night. Catching up on shows I’ve missed and even though there’s this huge burden I’m dealing with, I’ve had a pretty good night…until five minutes ago. You know how you hold everything in all the time and then one stupid, totally irrelevant thing happens that makes you just…lose it? Yeah, that just happened. My best friend has been at a wedding all day and hasn’t been able to talk to me, which is fine, but not really because she’s my best friend and has to be available at all times. Anyway, I finally got sick of her being busy (I know, I’m crazy) so I texted her told her to come back, and well, she snapped at me. I started crying. Not because she snapped, but because it just threw me back into this shitty loop that I’ve been trying to ignore. As I mentioned before, I’ve been watching TV all night, and the whole time, all I kept thinking to myself was “damn, I am so fucking single.” Not because I’m home alone on a Saturday night, I’m not much of a partier anymore. I actually prefer to stay home. I kept coming to that realization because everything I was watching, everything I was seeing on social media, everyone I happened to be texting at the moment, was romantically involved in some way. Even if they’re just getting laid.
Love is a very big, very important part of my life. I love, love. Most of the love stories I write will probably never really have a bad ending because I really do believe in fairy tales. Yet, it doesn’t seem to happen in my life. I don’t think anyone can fall in love with me. Truly. While I, on the other hand, can fall in love with a fucking donkey. Well, that might not be true. I’m kind of picky. Anyway, I just hate that my life has changed so drastically since my break up. Yes, I’m still on that. That was 3years of my life down the fucking drain and I can’t just pack my shit and get over it. It hurts. It stings. It feels like someone squeezed a lemon in my eye. The worst part is that so much of me has changed. I used to be fun, loose, and free. I used to be able to just hook up, have a one night stand and call it a fucking day. I used to live life on the edge and just go with flow. Now, it’s like what is a flow? How about a 5-year plan? How about the future? What can you offer me, what can I offer you? Hi, can you commit to me? Like what the hell is this? I won’t even let myself get laid. And honestly, more than anything…sometimes that seems like that worst part. Someone who loves sex should be having it.
Lately, it seems like all these guys have been beating down my door trying to talk to me, be with, sleep with me or whatever and I’m just…not interested. Not even a little bit. They’re all coming at with me with all this shit, but none of them are right for me. The person I do want, I can’t have and I’ll probably never be able to have them. And I’d actually sleep with that person. I wouldn’t even have to think about it, I’d just do it and feel great about it because we actually share something. But I can’t because the circumstances aren’t right. A few nights ago, I actually had the opportunity. I was literally three pieces of clothing away from ending my troubles, but I couldn’t. The closer I got, the more disgusted and freaked out I was. I just couldn’t handle it. I made an excuse and got the hell out of there. It was just so weird. Everyone has like that post break up angry sex hook up and seven months ago, I had mine. Totally disgusting. Worst mistake ever, and I don’t regret much. Since then, I’ve been gagging at the thought of being intimate with anyone, and I hate that.
My break up fucked me in the worst possible ways and there’s nothing I can do about it. Being single is not the biggest problem someone can have. Believe me, I have bigger things on my plate. Yet, it’s on my mind all the time. It’s like being left out of a club everyone else is in. The other day, someone actually said “well, I can’t ask you because you’re single” and I was like wow. I think that’s when this started. I just have my cat, my music, my empty…empty bed. Well, I live with my parents so my bed will always be empty, but I thought that would be more appropriate than saying something else. Anyway, I’m not feeling great tonight. I have a migraine, these guys won’t stop texting me, and my friends are all busy. At least I have OnDemand. I’m going to drink some wine, get myself drunk off of that one glass because I am a lightweight, I won’t masturbate because I’m too depressed to, and then I’ll fall asleep. Probably tell this guy I love him and then make myself feel better by telling myself that I’m a hot piece of ass that will be happy one day. Maybe in Tennessee. Oh, I’m thinking about moving to Tennessee. That would be cool right? And no, I’m not running away from my problems. I need to find myself.
Lol I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. Writing is saving me, it has always saved me, and it always will. Where would I be without these magical words? I’m going to end this before this gets more pathetic. It’s been real.
Oh! &to make it even worse, erotica keeps popping up all over the place. It’s funny how when you decide to be a vegetarian, everyone starts to eat meat all in your face and before when you weren’t a vegetarian, no one gave a shit about meat. I can’t even deal. Oh, and then to make it even more fucking terrible, everything I’ve been writing lately has been shit. I hate when this happens to me. I get so stuck inside my head that everything I write is just…shit. Total shit. Not a good feeling.
Okay. I’m ending this.