theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Month: May, 2014

The Grape Vine

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“You heard they’re getting a divorce, didn’t you?”

Scoffs. “Well, of course they are. She’s a harlot. It’s about time he came to his senses.”

“Why, yes, but what I don’t understand is why he would marry the tramp in the first place.”

“Don’t be naïve, Betty. Why else?”

“Oh, you don’t imagine little Bobby was conceived out of wedlock, do you?”

“I don’t see why else he would allow himself to become the laughing stock of Greensburg. He’s a fine young man, a soldier at that! He could’ve had his pick. It’s a shame, really.”

“Right, well with a figure like hers, I can’t imagine she had a hard time landing Peter. He’d just gotten home from the war, for crying out loud. That woman lured him with her parts.”

“Well, we all remember her mother. The apple didn’t fall too far.

“Maureen, that apple didn’t budge.”

Laughter.

 “Have you seen her lately? She certainly has put on a few pounds.”

“It’s baby weight. Didn’t you hear she’s expecting?”

Widens eyes. “My goodness, she’s going to be a single woman of three. I may be wrong in saying this, but it sure serves her right. Maybe this time alone will teach her to pull the hot pepper out of her you-know-what.”

“I hardly believe she’ll be alone.”

“How do you mean?

Rolls eyes. “I mean, yes, she’ll be a single mother of three, but I was told she’ll continue to entertain. Women like her are never lonely.”

“So even after the divorce Peter will be laying with her? What in God’s mighty name is the point then?”

“Well, Maureen, the baby isn’t peters. That’s why he’s leaving her.”

Shakes head. “That girl is looser than change in your pocket. Who’s the poor fool?”

Whispers. “Pastor Keaton.”

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Once More For the Road

I did it again.

A very long time ago, I promised myself that I would have nothing to do with you. I swore to every god in our overrated existence that I would never even mention your name. Yet, today, I did it again. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to rekindle our connection. I found every excuse as to why I should do it, but couldn’t think of one con against all the pros I’d created. In my dimwitted haste, I never once grazed past the idea that you would destroy me the same way you did all those years ago.

As I allowed myself to get on that perilous carousel of yours, I found myself feeling this rush. It was thrilling. Adrenaline coursed the blood in my veins, and yet all at once, it stopped the flow, stopped the circulation out of pure excitement. What pains me is that I don’t regret it. I’d be lying if I said I wish I’d never done it because while it was happening, I couldn’t help but think of how I could implement you into my daily life again. I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like I’d been missing out on something. As toxic as you are, I sit here and still, not a bone in my body feels the slightest bit of remorse. In fact, all I can feel is the acid burning the back of my throat. A familiarly disconcerting feeling, but comforting in all the right ways.

I’m conflicted because I’m trying to convince myself that it was a one-time only kind of thing, but we both know it wasn’t. Perhaps the most alarming thing of our brief, but tantalizing affair was my readiness. Before I decided to give myself up to you, I felt the long time addiction rising up from my throat. Shortly after, I watched as it poured out of mouth, right into yours, and I simply just could not stop. At one point, when I began to get really comfortable in my old dancing shoes, I found myself unable to hold back. The word ‘yes’ kept popping up in my head, and it just felt so right. My pace quickened and all I could think was, “more, more, more,” and “alright, just one more second,” but minutes followed that last second.

Looking into the mirror afterwards, I wish I could say I felt some kind of embarrassment. I’d love to admit to having been mortified and ashamed, but all I did was splash water on my face and into my mouth in hopes that it would cleanse me and rid me of my sins, rid the taste of our lovechild out of my mouth. Then, I flushed the toilet and never looked back. Sadly, I’ve been thinking about you all day. I’ve replayed my psychotic break over and over in my head, I can’t stop seeing myself jamming my finger down my throat while the little voice in my head egged me on.

I couldn’t stop, nor did I want to.

I hope I don’t see you again anytime soon, but now that I’ve flipped back to our chapter, I’m afraid we’ll be meeting again sooner than later.

Angels&Their Breeze

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Angels in the breeze

Sharing secrets with willow trees.

Staring wide-eyed at the brutality of the world

Yet, so dazed by the innocence surrounding them

That could vanish with the blink of an eye.

Angels in the breeze

Swinging on swings

Ice cream dripping freely

Sticking sweetly…

Not a care in the world for anything but dreams

Deaf to the sound of screams

Immune to the dangers that loom.

&in the midst of the fray, the angels bloom.

Prevailing in their fleeting breeze…

Smiling so purely,

That the truth wouldn’t dare form a crease.

2:56 AM

I have this fear that I will eat you up and spit you out. I believe that I have all tis love living inside of me. I’ve convinced myself that it has created a home. It has found shelter in something bright, something pure. Yet, since when has it been possible to find beautiful flowers in a field of weeds? There is a darkness that has made a home beneath the shield of my skin. It sits, it ferments, and it rots. It has begun to take another form, something besides itself. It has created life, and it now breathes. When I act, it is often the darkness trying to escape. When I breathe, the only thing I take in is this polluted air, and I can only assume that I spoil all things around me. Please don’t love me. I like to believe that I can be good for someone. I like to play house in the empty corners of my mind, but the emptiness doesn’t always last, forcing those pretty thoughts into places they belong. My head isn’t one of those places. When I imagine a beautiful life, I see you and me dancing in the rain, smiling, moving along to a soundtrack of our own that rose out of love. When the lights turn on, there is only sadness left. There’s only me and rotting flesh because none of that can ever be of existence. Darkness stays quiet, it lies like rug, and waits. It laughs at your aloof state of mind, making sure to trip you when you seem to forget the true nature of your being. I have this fear that this will always be. I’d like to be different, but I’m not sure that’s entirely possible. Please don’t love me. I’ll emotionally murder you, but I promise not on purpose. These things just happen, you know. Maybe not to people like you, but when you wake to obscurity, sleep to the sound of your own insignificance, you begin to lose sight of anything else. You wait until it gets worse, and when it does, you embrace it. Nothing will ever be as dedicated to you as the hatred that lives within. It wants to be your friend, it wants to keep you. So you allow it to happen, letting yourself fall prey to a monster that can’t always be defeated. Inevitably, you become just as black. You become just as polluted. Smug. Dirty. Selfish. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you see beauty growing in a dying field.

2:26 AM

I felt it slip from the grasp of my fingers.

Then again, I wasn’t firmly holding on.

Just enough that it belonged to me,

But not enough that it couldn’t freefall into the world.

I held onto the comfort…the trust.

I fell madly and deeply in fascination

With the feeling of protection.

There’s something odd about misfortunes cascading all around you.

At first, very slowly.

And then rushing in all at once.

To say it blindsides you is quite the understatement.

It eases into your flesh with a purposeful speed…

Aching in your gut as it twists and turns.

You expect to stop, to be pulled out from you slowly

With glistening blood, bits and pieces of you.

Rotting flesh you wanted to get rid of, anyway.

But it doesn’t.

It travels…and travels…then it hits your heart.

And only then, does it come tearing out of your chest.

Then you stare in agonizing amazement at your heart

Shining brightly, bleeding profusely

Sitting atop a blade

That you didn’t really care about.

You watch as something you didn’t truly love

Have the power to bring you to your knees.

Simply because the pain you caused

Was too much for it to bear,

So it decided to share.

Change Is Good, People

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Quick story that I thought was funny: I was editing my last post (Seasons) and for whatever reason, the page was showing me that my last post was Critical, which was a week ago. So I’m like “what?! It’s been a whole week? What the hell?” So then I told myself like whoa, you’ve gotta kick it up a notch, you know? Then I tried to think of what I’ve done in the last week and I could only remember yesterday, but that’s because I was trying so hard. So I went on my blog and saw that I’ve posted four times in the last week. WordPress almost made me hate myself.

Anyway, Good morning.

Today, I’m feeling particularly…inspired. I had two amazing conversations last night and I think I’m still on that high. Great conversations make me really giddy. Especially when it’s filled with laughter, insight, and free thinking. I hate having to stifle my true thoughts and emotions. Anyhow, I woke up thinking about change this morning. Hence the title of my latest poem Seasons. Did you guys get that? Because you know, seasons change. We change. Life changes. We go through….seasons! I thought I was clever for that. I’ve been trying to get better with titles. When I was younger, I was great with them. I don’t know what happened. Anyway (I say that so much but only because I get off topic a million times in one post), I’m coming to terms with the fact that change is good.

I’ve always been really afraid of change because it means that I lose things or that I’m no longer a certain way, but why is that bad? Change means growth. Sometimes, change means progress. Right now, I’m at a low point in life. Things have been pretty hard and it is quite the humbling experience, but you know what? My pockets aren’t filled, but my heart is and so is my mind. It’s important to be rich in other places than your bank account. Although, money is nice. Not the point.

I’ve experienced a lot of change lately. So much. I’ve moved, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve lost many friends (Just two, but that’s a lot for me), I started writing for magazines, I’ve been getting closer to God, and this morning, I’ve decided to change my attitude.

The things you see and do affect your perception of the world. On Instagram this morning, I followed a bunch of people I love who are totally fabulous and I followed lots of travel pages, and just pages that can inspire me. I unfollowed people that were bringing me down and reminding me of a person I once was. In Seasons (the poem), I wrote about how I hope this feeling lasts and I really hope it does because I’m so…wishy washy with my emotions sometimes. Like this morning, I’m great and I plan on having a wonderful and productive day, but tomorrow morning, I can wake up hating everything about life. But, when you change, you also change old habits. I’m on my way to becoming a better person and by doing that, I’m going to have to ditch my old coat.

Everything and everyone in my life right now serve a purpose. My friends and family are my support system. I recently went through a crisis that showed me exactly how much support I have around me. My struggle serves as inspiration. It serves as focus, determination, and strength. I’m not going to stay down, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m necessarily “down.” I’m just experiencing technical difficulties. My writing, my talent…well. That’s my livelihood. It’s my career, and right now, I’m sharpening my skills. I’m perfecting my craft until I’m exactly where I’d like to be. We all have to crawl before we can walk.

Which actually brings me to my next point. I’m almost done, I promise. I’m being patient with myself! More than anything, there’s so much pressure to be successful so early and so soon and already have this empire by the age of 10. It makes me so sad because I’m not there and I end up beating myself up and putting myself in a corner, and that’s not fair. Everyone’s life is different, we all have different things going. I can’t compare myself to Oprah. We are two different people. What I can do, though, is use Oprah as motivation. I’m learning this. It’s been a long and hard road, but I really think I’m shaping my mind and I’m becoming who I’d like to. I’m changing the way I see things. Who would’ve thought all this change would make me so happy? I’m telling you, I’ve always hated change. Anyway, I’m feeling good this morning. I’m going to try harder, be better, and accept the things that come into my life…take them in stride. I know I’ll be sad some days, but the beauty is not staying that way. Taking my sadness and turning into something great. Like the Kardashians. Have you guys noticed that EVERY TIME they’re humiliated in one way or another, they flip it and turn it into a success? Say what you want, but those people are pretty damn smart.

I was going to say that I’m going to work on making my posts less lengthy, but I’d be lying. I naturally write a lot. I’ve accepted that of myself. Imagine my text messages to people. I just have a lot to say all the time. Someone, somewhere will appreciate it. I’m going to go make pancakes.

I hope everyone has a lovely day :

Listen to happy music, do happy things, eat happy food. 

Seasons

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“I’ve never been so deep inside a shadow,”

I think I’m keeping myself from my own light..

Shielding myself from what’s bright

&it’s not intentional, I don’t think.

Maybe it is and each time I blink

I close my eyes on the world,

Close my eyes on possible potential…

&I lose out on everything.

I’m having a hard time accepting myself

Because I’d like to be better.

Yet, I keep running into this wall of old habits

&all these old memories keep acting as a fetter,

So you know what I’ll do? I’m gonna write a letter,

I’m going to tell my past that I’m feeling pretty stellar.

I’m no longer blue, I’ve changed my color.

I’ve taken on a different hue.

This time a bright shade of pink,

&it’s accompanied with a smile.

I’ve decided that’s my new style.

I just wish I could accept it forever and not just for awhile

This shadow is cruel and stretches for miles and miles…

But I don’t dare to be frightened by such things

I’m no longer being held up by someone else’s strings,

I’m feeling free, so free I’ll fly over the world

With my special little wings.

I really just hope I can accept it forever

So forever, that never becomes never.

Bottomless

A man walks into a bar, and sits on a stool. Before he orders his usual drink, he turns toward the rest of the establishment and looks at what kind of people are in his company for the evening. Some, he feels, look like decent people. The others are scum. People he would never associate himself with. Women not worth his attention, and men not worth his conversation. He then turns to face the barkeep and simply nods. He’s been there before. They know what he likes. After a few moments, he begins to drown his sorrows in brown liquor, and then white. Drink after drink, he absorbs the effect in hopes that he will be able to forget her. Forget her face, forget her taste, forget the way she calls his name. He says he will leave her after each enchanting encounter, but he the courage to do so evades him at every twist and turn. He would miss the smell of her hair, her crooked smile, the way her nose crinkles when she laughs. Most of all, he would miss her warmth. He would miss how her legs seem to push him deeper into her each time they make love. He’s obsessed with the way she needs him. The way she makes him feel like she needs him. Yet, at the end of each evening, he watches the curve of her back get further and further away from his as the door closes behind it swiftly. He watches her go into the arms of another man through hotel curtained windows. She isn’t his. She never was. But she keeps him on his toes, she keeps his mind in motion..his body rolling around in mixed emotions. So he drinks. Every time she leaves him, he drinks. He sits at that same stool, looks around for people who might be more interesting than she is, and when he doesn’t find anyone, he drinks. As she slides into the arms of a man who could never possess the amount of love he aimlessly carries for her, his calloused hands wrap around a smooth glass that could never betray him. Once that glass is in his hand, it isn’t going anywhere. He refills the glass with adoration whenever he wishes to, and the glass allows him to take it in each and every time. Unlike her. Unlike everything she’s given him. She’d just take it back. Dangle it in front of his face, watch his eyes dance in the moonlight of false hope, and once his heart allowed him to get comfortable in her embrace, she took it away. So he drinks. And he will continue drinking until someone more interesting than she could ever dream to be walks through that bar. But until then, he drinks.

Not Really Sure

Hey!

I’m terrible with intros. Man, this week sucked. I mean…it suuuuuuucked. But, today is Friday. Fridays are always good. I haven’t really had the best time this week, but a really good friend of mine made sure I survived. She made sure that I was okay, that I was taken care of, and that I didn’t throw myself off of I-95. I didn’t really think I’d get through honestly. I mean, I know I would, but it just didn’t feel like it. It felt like someone took a pile of shit and threw it on top of my head. If everything goes well today, then the last piece of the puzzle will be completed. I’ll be done with this. I’ll be able to move on and set my sights on something bigger and better. I really wish money wasn’t so important. Anyway, I’m becoming acutely aware of where certain things are going. Where, you ask? Nowhere. They are going nowhere. I had a guy tell me that he couldn’t be my friend for awhile bc he was too sexually attracted to me. I have another guy who texts me the most outlandish shit. For example: “How mad would you be if you found out that me and your mom had a baby right after I proposed to you?” Who says that? I said, “Not that this would ever happen, but I’ll entertain you. I’d be pretty upset…then I’d move on and realize you’re both fuckers.” To which he replied “I like your nipples.” He’s never seen my nipples. Then this other guy who is as confused as the sun in the dark. Make up your mind, do you want me or don’t you? Then another who thinks he loves me. And to make it worse, a guy that I’ve been friends with for a veeeery long time let his girlfriend disrespect me. This entire week, I’ve been feeling disrespected. Not one of those guys respect me in any way, and that is what I realized. They do things and say things that literally contradict EVERYTHING they say they feel toward me. And I don’t do that. I’m there, I’m present, I give, I tolerate, I listen, I’m patient, and understanding..&I don’t think I expect that much. Just do me how I do you. That’s not the case right now. I’m thinking it’s time I go on a little break from everyone. You’re all just fucking with my head and making things a bit worse for me. Life itself has just walked all over me, and I’m finally blogging about it because I’m over it. It’s Friday. It’s the weekend. I’m going to wear a crop top today and take selfies and thank God for allowing me to remain positive when nothing seems to be going right. There is one person who hasn’t insanely annoyed me this week and that’s my best friend. &my mother. But, let’s just go with my bff. Guys will never understand the bond that women can form. It’s one of the best things I’m my life right now. True friendship has pulled me out of the deepest woods, made me laugh when I thought I forgot how, made me realize that I’m better than I think I am. The guy version of her is J. He is perfection. He’s the best guy friend anyone can have. He loves me when I’m going ape shit, he loves me when I’m crying, he loves me when I don’t have anything..he’s consistent. The only consistent guy I know. He accepts me. He supports me. I appreciate them. I will always appreciate them. Everyone else has just made me want to hide into a corner. Made me want to shut my phone off and go to sleep for at least a few days. &what sucks is that with most of those guys, I’m in control. They don’t phase me, they’re just persistent and won’t stop chasing. But one…I can’t control anything. I want to, but I can’t. I tell myself that I will, but I don’t. Because he’s not a bad guy, he’s not mean, he’s genuine. Just confused. I deserve a lot more than confusion though. I deserve readiness. I deserve fearlessness. Let’s see. This week has allowed me to see myself in a new light. I’m pretty strong. I could try harder, I need to work on communicating, but I’m not all bad. There’s some awesomeness in here. Have a Good Friday, everyone

Devil’s Tears- Angus&Julia Stone

Definitely have this on replay today. Beautiful words for a gloomy day.

“He said “I am the devil, boy, come with me
And we’ll make many storms”
He offered me the universe
But inside my heart there’s a picture of a girl

Some call love a curse, some call love a thief
But she’s my home
And she’s as much apart for this broken heart, but see
Broken bones always seem to mend

I’ll taste the devil’s tears
Drink from his soul, but I’ll never give up you
I’ll taste the devil’s tears
Drink from his soul, but I’ll never give up you

He said “I am the devil, boy,
Come with me and we’ll break many laws”
He offered me eternal life but inside my heart there’s a picture of a girl

Some call love a word, some call love a thief
But she’s my home
And she’s as much apart for this broken heart, but see
Broken bones always seem to mend

I’ll taste the devil’s tears
Drink from his soul, but I’ll never give up you
I’ll taste the devil’s tears
Drink from his soul, but I’ll never give up you.”