Frightened Liar

I almost apologized to you today. I was giving advice to a friend, and as the words were leaving my mouth, I began to understand just how I hurt you. After all these years, it finally made sense. I’ve apologized to you endlessly, but I never fully comprehended what I did to you. How the lies I told drew a distance…a gap between that could never be resolved. Anyhow, in the middle of all that, I had the biggest urge to just…tell you I’m sorry. But that’s pointless, so I didn’t. It’s just been rolling around in my head for some time, and now I’m thinking of what could have been. Chances are, we wouldn’t have worked out, but I still would’ve liked the opportunity. What I really will never understand, though, is the fact that you’re holding all of that against me when we were so young. I was a baby. I wish you would take the time to get to know adult me. If only the pre-teen version of me wasn’t so fucked in the head. You strung me along though. You’ll never admit it, but you strung me along. You did a lot of stupid things, but somehow, my little white lies overshadowed the things you did to put us in such a hole. But it’s fine, I’ll take the fall. It just sucks that after all these years, I’m still in this position. I’m not pining over you anymore, I don’t really want you in that way, but you’re still in my heart. I’m not sure what kind of sense that makes, I’ve been drinking. My fingers tremble as I type. I just really could have loved you, you know? I could’ve been there for you, tried to understand you more than you let me…there were so many possibilities. And now there are none. And I’m fine with that. It took awhile, but I’m fine. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends again, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t something I hope for. We were comfortable, and now…yeah. Well, I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re happy. I guess I’ll find out how you’re doing the next time I get drunk and text you.


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