Hmmm….I find myself late-night blogging yet again.
Tonight is an interesting night, though. I’ll tell you why.
One of the worst feelings is looking in the mirror and not liking what you see. Not understanding why you look the way you do..why blemishes and acne scars won’t just leave you alone. Or why you seem to be gaining weight in the wrong places. My teeth aren’t white enough or straight enough, posture isn’t good enough, stomach isn’t flat enough, skin is just…ugh. Nothing is making sense right now. Oddly enough, I’m kind of embarrassed to go into the details of how bad I feel about myself right now. I feel like I’m baring my soul and I haven’t even gone into it. I can talk about anything with anyone, but when it comes to appearances, I refuse to discuss it. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but it feels like I’m crashing.
I’m going to state the obvious. Being a woman is tough. I’m sure being a man is just as tough, but I’ve never been a man. The pressure of a woman, though…my goodness. It’s exhausting. As effortless as some girls make it seem, it just isn’t. I’m hating my face right now..hating everything. I have to go to church in the morning and all I’m thinking of is how the sun will make my skin look weird if I stand in it too long. Or whatever I eat after church will have to be a very small portion. I was initially going to write a poem about natural beauty and self appreciation to get my mood going, but I’m too depressed to do so. It sounded great in my mind, but as soon as I began writing, negativity just…leaked.
Also, I have to go to a graduation in Tennessee next weekend and there’s a small part of me that doesn’t want to go. I don’t want to see a bunch of people and take all of these pictures and wear a bunch of make up that will make my acne stick out like sore thumbs. And it sucks because lately, I’ve really been into make up. It doesn’t agree with me though. I guess I’ll just be natural until my skin clears up. I never tell anyone that…the real reason I hate make up is because I don’t like the way it looks on my skin. My skin has gotten better over the years, and it’s a lot smoother, but it’s not completely clear. I hate that word; acne. It’s so gross. I’ve always felt like it defines me in a way.
Anyway, ironically enough, my mom is obsessed with make up and always wants me to wear it so I’ll look more sophisticated and blah blah, but I never do because of two reasons: 1. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to hide under make up. I’ve been living with imperfect skin for ten years (Middle school was rough) and I’m used to it, 2. This is gonna sound weird, but whatever. Say I’m out and my face is totally made up and I meet this great guy and he thinks I’m gorgeous. What if he thinks I’m hideous when he sees me without make up? In order to avoid all of that, I’d rather go with the “what you see is what you get” approach. I know, I’m crazy. Despite this post, I’ve gotten A LOT better about these things. Really, I have.
Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I had a night like this. I’ve been really confident and comfortable in my skin the last few years. Lately though, something has changed. I’m just not happy with myself and tonight, it’s made me particularly sad. I hate to say it, but I kind of wish I looked like the girls in the magazines. I know their photos are touched up and stuff, but they are still really, really beautiful women. They have great facial structure and perfect skin and perfect bodies and…just perfect everything it seems.
Alright, I’m going to be positive: I am thankful that I’ve been able to maintain a healthy and loving attitude towards myself. We all have bad nights and this is mine. Also, I’m happy that I am not just talking the talk, but I’ve been walking the walk by living a healthier lifestyle and keeping up with my gym routine. There. This isn’t easy for me to share, but I’m going to do it because this is life. This is me. Truth in the darkness.
Okay. That’s it.
I hope everyone is having a fun Friday night. Sweet dreams 🙂