I’m Not Crazy, I Swear.
It is 10:02am and I already want to set this day on fire. That’s a pretty strong sentiment, so that should shed some light on how annoyed I am. It’s raining outside and the weather is pretty shitty, which makes me want to stay home all day, but I have shit to do…so I will go out and do them. Besides, I can already see the sun peeking out. You know, I’m not perfect. I am far from perfect, we all are. Though, I can’t help but harp on some irrational decisions I’ve made in life. I’ve held myself back in many ways just because I based most of my decisions on emotion rather than actual logic. That’s what I get for being a Cancer. I know, not an excuse. It has come to my attention that I am very flaky. I flake on stupid part-time jobs, I flake on school, I flake on responsibility, I flake on relationships, and I generally just have a tendency to flake on life. I flake on things that don’t lead me to my dreams. If it doesn’t have anything to do with writing or helping me have an actual successful future, I probably won’t take it seriously. The only thing I don’t flake on really are friends, family, and writing. I do this thing where I disappear from people without any notice. I don’t let them know, I ignore calls or texts, and I literally just vanish.
When I do this, it means I’m in over my head. People tend to dump things on me without understanding how it might make me feel, and instead of discussing that, I just flake. I do what you want me to, then I disappear. Solution is easy, right? Tell the person what you’re feeling. I’m not confrontational. I don’t like discussing things that will make me feel awkward. I don’t like breaking bad news, telling people how they’re pissing me off, or anything like that. I try to and it comes out wrong because by the time I discuss it, I’ve already had the issue brewing in my head for way too long…so my temper might take over. It’s really unhealthy. So I ignore and I flake.
I did that this morning. Not to anyone that knows me personally, but it doesn’t matter because I flaked. I tried to discuss with someone, I tried to open up about my feelings and my life and all of that terrible stuff, but it went nowhere because somehow, we ended up discussing…their life. And honestly, that’s fine. Really, I don’t mind. I would have just preferred if it was a mutual life-hating moment, but it was more of a…my-life-could-be-perfect-except….and well, that didn’t make me feel any better because I’ve had a terrible morning and I needed a friend to listen, try to understand, whatever. Right now, I feel like the 20year old who just can’t get it. I don’t want to be the person who complains and doesn’t do anything about their problems, and I know that I’m not. I can honestly say that I work hard for what I want, but I let things get in my way. I allow myself to be distracted. And well, no one will listen to me or understand me, so I write.
Oh, writing, how you have kept me sane. I’m already starting to feel a lot more relieved. I’m still annoyed and confused, but I’m making more sense now. I can’t expect my life to be picture perfect, but I just need one thing or the other to work out. I guess I should stop flaking on things because maybe I’ve missed an opportunity, but I really just don’t like wasting my time. Most, or all, of the things I’ve flaked on have been really pointless and discussing why it’s a waste of my time would be really awkward and I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, which doesn’t make sense because flaking is potentially more insulting. Clearly, I have a lot of growing up to do. I’m not the only one though, we all do. I guess I just don’t mind being honest. I won’t be at this stage forever…might as well enjoy it. Whatever it is. I always think of what people will think of me after I journal, but…I’m not sure I care. Everyone has something different that they’re battling and I just don’t mind sharing. I like to think that we’re all in this together.