Barriers

by farrahdomid

Inside of me, lies you. Yet, here I am lying with someone else. Night after night, I breathe her in. I smell her hair, taste her mouth, and all the while, I imagine what you would feel like in her place. You and I are connected in quite an unconventional way. The moment I saw you, my heart soared out of my chest and flew right into your hand. The skies brightened immediately, and I could feel myself melting. My wife was only a few feet away, but as our eyes met, I knew instantly that I should’ve waited. Being the eldest of four, still unmarried, I grew impatient. My mother wanted grandchildren, and I simply needed someone to come home to at night. In the back of my mind, though, all of the wedding plans seemed…wrong. It didn’t add up. The shoe didn’t fit, it just didn’t make sense, but I didn’t have a clue as to why.

Then I met you.

I saw you walking down the street in a short yellow dress, and you were smiling as if the world around you was perfect. Your smile eased me into realizing that I hadn’t truly loved anyone until that moment. I need you, but it appears that it might be too late. My wife touches me, and I ponder what your fingertips would feel like against me. Oh, what a mistake I made not waiting for you. Since then, I’ve had countless encounters with you, and on a few of them, I had the chance to hear you laugh. I watched as your mouth grew into a wide, contagious grin…and you began to laugh. Your voice is soft, yet strong. I can tell it captures the attention of the people around you. I can tell you capture hearts, the way you did mine. I dream of your lips and your long, brown hair. Every evening, I sit on my porch and watch the sky express itself. And every evening, I imagine you sitting right beside me. For some reason, I think you’re really fascinated in things like that; the real beauty of this world.

I feel like I’m drowning in you. I’m losing myself in you, and I don’t want it to stop. I want to breathe you, not her. I’d like to sit across from you at our breakfast table and laugh at the way you hog the covers at night. I’d like to surprise you with flowers at the end of the day just to see your lips spread into that beautiful smile. I don’t know much about you, but I know that this feeling only happens once in life. We’re able to love repeatedly, each person earning a piece of our hearts, but never our souls. There is only one person who can attach themselves to your soul, and for me, that person is you. I knew it when I saw, and it rings true three years later. If I could escape my life to be with you, I would do it in less than a heartbeat, but I can’t. I’ve committed my life to someone else, and as much of a mistake as that was, I can’t break that promise. For whatever reason, words mean something to me. Perhaps you won’t be mine in this lifetime, but in the next, I promise to cherish you each day. I promise to keep your tear ducts dry and your body warm.

I’d like to create a deep pool of desire between your legs and look into your eyes as we coalesce.

It’s a shame, really. I’m stuck endlessly wondering how you spend your days, what kind of food you like to eat, and how many hours of sleep you get in a night. Instead of experiencing the brilliance of your being, I must simply witness it through a pair of binoculars. Though it is a shame that I have to live with, you are a dream that carries me through reality in hopes that one day you will be my reality.

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