theshamelesswanderer

The Musings of My Mind

Month: April, 2014

Wine Glass Reflections

There comes a moment when you realize just how alone you are.

She has him, he has her, they have each other, and you…

Well, you have you.

That’s not entirely a terrible thing to have yourself to rely on

Because what many don’t realize is that…

You can make you happy.

You can make yourself sad, disappointed, you can make yourself cry

Make yourself feel like limits don’t exist, not even in the sky..

Simply because it’s you.

You know who you are, what you like, what you feel

No need for pointless explanations, or sorrowful apologies…

You will always understand.

You hold your happiness in the palm of your hands, you’ll let yourself in…

You won’t step on your feelings,

Make yourself ashamed or…embarrassed for what you want,

It’s just you.

There’s something quite peaceful in realizing

That the only thing loving you back besides you

Is the wine swishing in your glass,

Maybe what you had for dinner last…

But you have a tighter grip on yourself than a necklace clasp…

You love you more than the people in your life who seem to just pass,

By and then leave without saying goodbye

They go from hot to cold

Not much longer after that first hi,

And that’s okay…because you have you.

And as I write this solemnly, sadly, wistfully…

This is perhaps the loneliest I’ve felt in some time,

And as the wine in my glass stares back at me,

Waiting patiently to become…nothing.

I realize that I won’t dwell.

I won’t allow my brain to swell,

Or tears to form a puddle, not even a well

Of angst in honor of the pooling loneliness…

I’ll just sit here.

I will sit in the darkness, maybe the light.

I’ll continue to befriend the words that I write,

And that will be all…so simply..

Goodnight.

Frightened Liar

I almost apologized to you today. I was giving advice to a friend, and as the words were leaving my mouth, I began to understand just how I hurt you. After all these years, it finally made sense. I’ve apologized to you endlessly, but I never fully comprehended what I did to you. How the lies I told drew a distance…a gap between that could never be resolved. Anyhow, in the middle of all that, I had the biggest urge to just…tell you I’m sorry. But that’s pointless, so I didn’t. It’s just been rolling around in my head for some time, and now I’m thinking of what could have been. Chances are, we wouldn’t have worked out, but I still would’ve liked the opportunity. What I really will never understand, though, is the fact that you’re holding all of that against me when we were so young. I was a baby. I wish you would take the time to get to know adult me. If only the pre-teen version of me wasn’t so fucked in the head. You strung me along though. You’ll never admit it, but you strung me along. You did a lot of stupid things, but somehow, my little white lies overshadowed the things you did to put us in such a hole. But it’s fine, I’ll take the fall. It just sucks that after all these years, I’m still in this position. I’m not pining over you anymore, I don’t really want you in that way, but you’re still in my heart. I’m not sure what kind of sense that makes, I’ve been drinking. My fingers tremble as I type. I just really could have loved you, you know? I could’ve been there for you, tried to understand you more than you let me…there were so many possibilities. And now there are none. And I’m fine with that. It took awhile, but I’m fine. I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends again, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t something I hope for. We were comfortable, and now…yeah. Well, I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re happy. I guess I’ll find out how you’re doing the next time I get drunk and text you.

Baring It All: Late Night Chronicles

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Hmmm….I find myself late-night blogging yet again.

Tonight is an interesting night, though. I’ll tell you why.

One of the worst feelings is looking in the mirror and not liking what you see. Not understanding why you look the way you do..why blemishes and acne scars won’t just leave you alone. Or why you seem to be gaining weight in the wrong places. My teeth aren’t white enough or straight enough, posture isn’t good enough, stomach isn’t flat enough, skin is just…ugh. Nothing is making sense right now. Oddly enough, I’m kind of embarrassed to go into the details of how bad I feel about myself right now. I feel like I’m baring my soul and I haven’t even gone into it. I can talk about anything with anyone, but when it comes to appearances, I refuse to discuss it. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but it feels like I’m crashing.

I’m going to state the obvious. Being a woman is tough. I’m sure being a man is just as tough, but I’ve never been a man. The pressure of a woman, though…my goodness. It’s exhausting. As effortless as some girls make it seem, it just isn’t. I’m hating my face right now..hating everything. I have to go to church in the morning and all I’m thinking of is how the sun will make my skin look weird if I stand in it too long. Or whatever I eat after church will have to be a very small portion. I was initially going to write a poem about natural beauty and self appreciation to get my mood going, but I’m too depressed to do so. It sounded great in my mind, but as soon as I began writing, negativity just…leaked.

Also, I have to go to a graduation in Tennessee next weekend and there’s a small part of me that doesn’t want to go. I don’t want to see a bunch of people and take all of these pictures and wear a bunch of make up that will make my acne stick out like sore thumbs. And it sucks because lately, I’ve really been into make up. It doesn’t agree with me though. I guess I’ll just be natural until my skin clears up. I never tell anyone that…the real reason I hate make up is because I don’t like the way it looks on my skin. My skin has gotten better over the years, and it’s a lot smoother, but it’s not completely clear. I hate that word; acne. It’s so gross. I’ve always felt like it defines me in a way.

Anyway, ironically enough, my mom is obsessed with make up and always wants me to wear it so I’ll look more sophisticated and blah blah, but I never do because of two reasons: 1. I don’t want people to think I’m trying to hide under make up. I’ve been living with imperfect skin for ten years (Middle school was rough) and I’m used to it, 2. This is gonna sound weird, but whatever. Say I’m out and my face is totally made up and I meet this great guy and he thinks I’m gorgeous. What if he thinks I’m hideous when he sees me without make up? In order to avoid all of that, I’d rather go with the “what you see is what you get” approach. I know, I’m crazy. Despite this post, I’ve gotten A LOT better about these things. Really, I have.

Honestly, I can’t even remember the last time I had a night like this. I’ve been really confident and comfortable in my skin the last few years. Lately though, something has changed. I’m just not happy with myself and tonight, it’s made me particularly sad. I hate to say it, but I kind of wish I looked like the girls in the magazines. I know their photos are touched up and stuff, but they are still really, really beautiful women. They have great facial structure and perfect skin and perfect bodies and…just perfect everything it seems.

Alright, I’m going to be positive: I am thankful that I’ve been able to maintain a healthy and loving attitude towards myself. We all have bad nights and this is mine. Also, I’m happy that I am not just talking the talk, but I’ve been walking the walk by living a healthier lifestyle and keeping up with my gym routine. There. This isn’t easy for me to share, but I’m going to do it because this is life. This is me. Truth in the darkness.

Okay. That’s it.
I hope everyone is having a fun Friday night. Sweet dreams 🙂

Break The Box

from maybe to almost

Everyone should take just 2 minutes out of their day to watch this.

I promise it’s worth it.

View original post

Judas’ biggest crime…

Tales from the dead with Jason…Walk into the light, with Twain, Hemingway and Poe.

Must read. Amazing.

Ramblings of Love

Hey there, fellow night owls.

I found this blog tonight that really made me feel a certain way about life. I hope it’s okay if I don’t share it. Some things, you save for yourself. Though I have many realistic boulders weighing heavily on my mind, I’d rather focus on me right now. I’d rather focus on the things I love about me. They say self-love is the best love, and I definitely agree with that, but I think that there are other kinds of love that are very important. Genuinely loving other people is something that has taught me how much love I have inside of myself, and that it’s okay if I keep some for myself. I used to hate myself..I used to want to die, disappear, I was self-destructive, but through all of that, I never hated the world. People often forget how important love is. 

I think my cat wants me to stop typing so she can sleep. She just smacked the keyboard and jumped off the bed. Ha!

Awhile ago in another one of my posts, I discussed the fact that I am empathetic. I think that being empathetic allows you to see someone’s pain, even when they they’re doing their best at hiding it. I can always see it. I like to talk about it, I like to understand it, I like to feel it. Someone once told me that it’s because I’m nosy. That isn’t the case at all. I don’t need to know everyone’s business. Who the hell am I? I just can’t help if I notice things. I can’t help to ask people if they’re okay, if there’s anything they’d like to talk about. When people aren’t noticing, they let their guards down. Though they were just laughing, for a split second they’ll take their mask off and frown. I’m sorry if I notice that. Sometimes I’m wrong. Sometimes that person is thinking about how they left the stove on at their house, but most of the time, I’m right. I really like that about myself. That’s why I write my journals on here whenever I’m having a rough time. it’s not because I dwell in self-pity or because I’m always down, I’m not. In a world where people feel the need to compete with each other, I’d like for people to come to blog and know it’s a place of peace, unity, expression, and understanding. We’re all in this together. We’re all the same, we just look different. The foundation of my writing is based on the truth in the darkness, and for whatever reason, people are afraid of the darkness. A lot of great things come from the dark corners of our minds or lives. We find ourselves, we find others, we find…self-love. We find knowledge and wisdom. There’s nothing wrong with not being perfect, not being okay, not being happy all the time. It’s life. I, for one, have a terrible temper. I get annoyed for the simplest things very easily, and I hate it. I’m very particular about certain things and when people don’t get it, I’m bothered. I will stay quiet for a length of time and I will try to calm myself down in my mind, but it doesn’t work. All I’ll be thinking is “why didn’t you just put my brush back where you found it?!” 

I’m insane. So is my cat. She’s staring at me from across the room.

As we discussed, I’m a flake. I can be selfish, but who isn’t? Well….I guess Mother Theresa wasn’t selfish. Not the point. The point is, just love yourself. No matter what age or where we are in life, we grow and change every single day. We get better with time. We become the people we’d like to be. We do things we like, do things we don’t like. We lose people, lose jobs, lose things, lose ourselves…but somehow, I think a lot of us find our way back.

I found the little light inside of me that seemed to disappear last week. I’ve been feeling really bummy and lazy since finals week started, and once I start feeling that way, it becomes a war zone in my mind.

What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you accomplished? Why do you eat so much? Why did you wait till the last minute to do this? Why aren’t you rich? Why didn’t you go to gym last night? Loser. Get off Instagram. Go read a book. Stop thinking about marriage, you’re a loner. Why didn’t you stick up for yourself? Why do you care so much, so little?

It’s really unhealthy. Then today, a friend of mine, a great friend, told me that he read my blog and was amazed. He said some pretty fantastic things and I was just….more alive than I’d been in a week. Wanna get me into bed? Read my shit. Lol I’m kidding. You have to buy me dinner first. Kidding again! Seriously, it made me feel great. Then I started writing. That was like five hours ago and I haven’t been able to stop. I wish I didn’t get inside of my head so much. I wish I could tune out all of those terrible voices and just…live. We have to do that. Those voices get in the way of self-love. I’m gonna end this before i write a book, but I will say this: I used to think I was insane and just…out of it. Then I realized that I just love a lot. When you love a lot, or care too much about everyone and everything, you find yourself worrying about the world as if you birthed it. You find yourself wishing someone loves you the way you love them, hoping that your heart won’t burst from how much you put in it. I’m not insane. I used to try to prove myself to people a lot, try to do things I knew they’d like, but that never got me anywhere. Anyway, I’ll leave you with these things: Lol, I just realized that I already said that. Seriously though, seIf-love is the best, you’re not crazy, we’re crazy, I just have a big heart, and we’re all in this together. 

My cat got back on my bed. She’s curled up next to me. I think she’s silently apologizing for smacking the keyboard. I love you too, Lola. 

Goodnight, guys

What I’m Currently Obsessed With

Avicii- You Make Me

This is such a great song. It has the most amazing vibe and whenever I listen to it, I’m immediately throw into a positive and feel-good mood. Not only that, but I get the strongest to fist pump. I love a good fist pump. Jersey Shore has totally turned me into fist pumping. Back in my clubbing days (lol, like I’m not only 20, right) I’d “beat that beat” and fist pump like cuh-raaazy. People would look at me like “why is that black girl fist pumping?” and I’d be like “you know you wanna do it, too.” Ha! Anyway, this song is awesome. “All my life, I’ve been, I been waiting for someone like you, yeeeaahhhh.” Greatness. One of the main reasons I love EDM so much is because you literally can’t stay mad listening to this stuff. It makes you feel invincible, like you’re going to have a great day, like nothing can bring you down. Hope you all like this as much as I do.

Gonna go back to my homework. Two more days of finals. Yay! I’ll finally be able to go back into the real world. *fist pumps*

Rays of My Sun

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I wasn’t aware of your infinite beauty…
I wasn’t prepared for the things you could do to me,
Introduce to me.
I didn’t know I’d let you unravel me
Like a finely wrapped present on a white Christmas morning..
My contents kept hidden
Until you relieved me of my distress..
I welcomed your caress
And began to imagine you lifting my dress,
Kissing my neck.

Unbeknownst to you, I’ve welcomed your advances.
I refuse to let go of my insecurities..
But for you, I shall.
I will deny every feeling that enamors my soul,
But for you..
I’m a star.
Let’s run away in the realm of lovers,
Let us explore the galaxy of hope,
And then peruse the universe of sunshine..

Having been down this road, doubt litters the corners of my mind,
Haunting and daunting the very existence of..
Us.
But, darling, you are beautiful.
Your shine eradicates the need for glitters and gold,
You feel like the cool breeze that eases my mind and passes through my fingers..
A breeze we wish to hold on to, but dreadfully watch as it slips away.
Darling, you..
Are my sun.
The heat that warms my cool heart and my cold skin.
I wish to be your ray for this lifetime and the ones that follow,
I hope to make the corners of your mouth turn upwards
For..
What I feel at this moment,
My love,
I’m afraid it’s not going away.
I’m afraid it’s sticking..
And I,
We are stuck.

We’ve coalesced and
When you hurt, my body trembles in pain..
When I cry, frustration encompasses your being.
I’m almost afraid to ponder the idea of you dying..
…Of me dying.
I can only hope that our love will live on..
&That even in the darkness of the afterlife,
You will continue to shine your light upon me..
And guide me
Back to you, darling.
For you are the place I desire to be,
The oxygen I’d like to breathe,
The only love I’ve ever believed
&you, my sun, my breeze..
Are the rays of my life
&I the rays of yours..

As fear erupts in my heart,
I hesitantly walk towards you
And await for the upturned corners to greet me..
The kisses on my neck to relieve me..
Because my darling,
Your existence is all I need in this cruel world.
&your acceptance of my..
Tarnished disposition
Wilted condition…
Makes my heart
&the rays of my sun,
Eternally yours.

It’s That Time Again

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Finals Week.
I am particularly sad this morning because of all the homework assignments I’m drowning in. The picture(meme?) I used for this post accurately describes my life, and because I waited until the last minute, I am, in fact, a piece of shit. That’s what I was referring to in my blog post last week about being a flake. I was sitting down after having added up all the assignments I’d have to do in total, and I really wanted to punch myself. Nothing makes me feel worse than having to catch up with homework. I’ve had to forgo a lot of things so I can get everything done in time. Why I didn’t do my homework on time? Well, I’m a workaholic. Since the beginning of this semester, I’ve been working and well, my job pays me..and school doesn’t. That’s terrible to say, but it’s true. Anyway, I have more than enough time on my hands to get everything done, but I just want to write. Like right now, I should be doing anatomy homework, but I’m doing this. See my problem? I think I’m allergic to school. Hehe. To everyone who is also taking part in this hellish week, I wish you the best. To those of you who are done with school, I really don’t like you. Hope everyone has a great day!