Self-Worth

by farrahdomid

There are certain experiences we have in life that allows us to evaluate our self worth. This past weekend, I came across one of those life-changing moments. In the past, I was my own worst enemy. I tore myself down, beat myself up, and abused every good thing left in me. Over the years, that has changed and I’ve learned to love myself. I’ve learned to become my own friend, to enjoy the peace that comes with solitude. I thought I loved myself. Maybe not 100%, but I thought I was getting there. I realized that I don’t love myself at all. I was taken on a date this weekend. Granted, it was with a very good friend of mine, but he made me realize that I have no self-worth whatsoever. This guy pulled out all the stops. He wanted to greet my mother before leaving the house, opened the car door for me at all times, told me to watch my step when necessary, didn’t let me even look at the bill, and he made sure that I had a wonderful time. Whoever is reading might be thinking that this is what normally happens on a date and that’s how guys are, but I’ve never really had that. Dates in the past were more like…”dates,” if you catch my drift. I didn’t understand why he was being so kind and at one point, it made me feel uncomfortable. I felt like an inconvenience, I felt like I didn’t deserve his kind treatment, and honestly, I kept trying to do things for myself before he could do them for me. How pathetic is that? We were crossing the street and, being the thrill seeker I am, I really wanted to just run in front of the cars and make a joke out of it like I always do, but he wouldn’t even let me think of doing that. He told me to wait, and as we walked across the street together, he put his hand on the small of my back to make sure I got across safely. He kept making sure we didn’t get home too late to not disrespect my mother, and when girls looked his way, he ignored every stare. I didn’t know that I was worth being treated that way. I wasn’t aware that I was worthy of being made felt like a…queen. *Cringes*. In that moment, I realized that I had chased every person I’ve ever been with. I’ve only had one serious relationship, and even with that, I chased her. Everyone else in the past was a conquest. I always told myself that I enjoyed the “game,” but I didn’t. I just didn’t think anyone really wanted me for anything besides sex. So I settled for that. I’m in a much better place now, but it was very refreshing to be with someone who genuinely cared for me and despite all of my flaws, he made sure to treat me with the utmost respect. I have a great friend. I have a friend who set an example for every guy who will walk into my life. I’m worth more than I give myself credit to be. Sometimes we need to look in the mirror and say, “I’m fucking awesome,” and keep it moving. We’ve all heard the saying that says “if you don’t love yourself, no one else will.” I think that’s bullshit. Sometimes, other people see things in us that we may not be able to see yet. Sometimes, people help us see the potential we have. They bring out the best in us, &I think that’s what I experienced this weekend. It was just a date, but I realized that I’m a beautiful, blossoming woman who deserves someone who will see me for who I am, and always respect that. Someone who will always love me, support me, be honest with me, laugh with me, and make me happy. I try so hard to make people happy so they will stay in my life, and I don’t want to do that anymore. As much as I fight, you need to fight too. I’m done chasing and searching, I just need to work on my self-worth. I’m going to learn to understand myself and see myself for who I really am so that when I go on a real date, I don’t feel like such an inconvenience.

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