Journal: Somewhere Inside, Something Has Died

Somewhere inside, something has died. I’ve always thought that I was unable to be seriously affected by traumatic events, but I’m proving myself wrong. I’m beginning to realize that somewhere inside of me, something has died. I’m a strong believer in love, soul mates, and that fairy tales really do exist. While I still strongly believe in those things, I don’t think those things apply to me anymore. I went through a pretty bad break up a little under a year ago, and I’m not over it. I’m young and I don’t know how things will change, but I think that a piece of me will never get over it. It’s pathetic. I think about my future and who I’ll end up with and what that will be like, and then I kind of start getting disgusted at the whole idea. I’ve been toying around with the idea of online dating, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t being myself to love another person, trust another person, and let myself belong to another person. I don’t think I can ever fully give myself to another person because when I do, I get left. I am angry. I am…sad. I’m really sad. I’ve been dealing with it as best as I can, but..sometimes I just want to die. Sometimes I just want to disappear because all of these feelings just taking over me just gets to be too much. All around me, people are successful in a certain aspect of their life, and I can’t say that for myself just yet. I don’t have anything. I would like to say that I also don’t have anyone, but I have an amazing family and I have great friends. I really do, like I’ve been so blessed. But sometimes, you know, I just sit and think about the past and where I once was with that person and how in three seconds, all of that was just gone. It vanished right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. One minute we were laying in bed, the next minute, I was wailing and begging. God, I was just begging so much, you know. Like, “don’t leave me, please. I’ll do anything, I’ll change, I’ll stop doing the things you hate,” type of begging. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ll never understand myself for that. I’m just sad, you know. I would want nothing more than to..meet someone, fall in love, and just get fat because of how happy I am. I just don’t see myself being able to do that anymore. In my head, it exists. But it just feels like I don’t have a heart anymore. It feels like I’m not a real person anymore. I hate how much I think about it, how much I base some of my actions on that person, and how if they came back right now and told me to jump back into the relationship, I would do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t even think about it. I can’t see past this person right now. Actually, I haven’t been able to see past this person for years. It’s really pathetic. I don’t know. I don’t know where I’ll end up, I don’t know anything. I just know that I built a wall in a place I thought I would never try to hide. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but lately…I don’t think I even own a heart. Somewhere inside of me, something has died, and I don’t want to revive it. I don’t want to try, I don’t want another person to try…I just want to come home to a glass of wine at the end of the day. And if not a glass of wine, then I’d like to come home to the sound of my family laughing. For the last nine months, I’ve been wearing a mask. Some days, I don’t bother. On other days, I hide myself and I protect myself. I don’t want the world to see me, or even hear me. I just want to be left alone. I just need to be left alone. I’d like to let the pain I’m feeling just sit inside of me. I want this pain to take over so that eventually, I will become this pain. I’m hurting. I’m hurting deeply, and sometimes, I tell myself that I’m fine. I tell my friends that I’m fine, my family that I’m fine, but I’m not. And I won’t be for awhile. And that’s okay, because I’ve hit rock bottom before. We’ve actually become pretty good friends. This time, though, I’ve been on the floor too long. And honestly, I think I’ll just stay here. I know how to survive, you know. I know how to make it…but the part of me that died, on the inside, will just make a home out of the floor I’ve gotten to know so well over the years. And I think I finally made my peace with that today.