The Bouquet

The Bouquet

“Uh, well these are for my girlfriend’s mom. We’ve been together for six years and she never came out of the closet. I, you know, I understood. It was…um…interesting. Yeah, interesting to say the least, but you know, when you love someone, you just…yeah. So like, her mom wants to meet me now. Like, at first she called us rug munchers, which is like totally off the walls because her mom is like a religious nut, and its like, how do you know words like that? You know like, three words in English. I’m sorry, I totally take that back. That was mean. I’m mean when I’m nervous. Um yea, off topic, so anyway she’s meeting me here. But, like, we’re gonna go somewhere else and eat or something. I just thought that bringing her flowers would kind of like be the flame that burns down the ice cold wall of tension, you know. I love Carmen, and I want her mom to know that I’m like, obsessed with her. Honestly, I just don’t want her mom to think that Carmen will be better off with a man. I know she’s old and traditional, but like, fuck that, you know? It’s 2014. Everyone is gay. And if they aren’t, they don’t know it yet. I’m kidding, I don’t think everyone is gay. I’m just nervous, I honestly don’t know what to do right now, and I probably sound crazy. So anyway, she’ll probably rip me a new one, but like, who’s mean to someone with flowers? Shit, I’m doing it again. I’m really sorry. I think I’m subconsciously trying to impress you. Wanna tape my mouth shut? Seriously, like I’ll let you. But then when Carmen’s mom comes, you have to take it off because I don’t want her to think I’m some sort of freak that like, tapes Carmen’s mouth shut. Fucksicle, I think that’s her. Alright, I have to go. This was off the record right?”


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