Weak?

by farrahdomid

What is it about admitting your weaknesses that makes people run the other way? Life is such a competition and the day-to-day struggle to make it is a getting a bit TOO real, allowing the dog-eat-dog dogmatic way of life to persist, rather than making room for a moment of weakness amongst friends. Perhaps I’m too comfortable discussing with people, some whom I don’t know, the way my life has taken turns, dips, and has just crashed completely. The thing is, though, I know I won’t always stay down. I just like to talk about it. I wonder to myself how other people deal with their failures, their insecurities, and their self-doubting moments, but scrolling endlessly on social networks has just showed me that people just don’t have any weaknesses. I’m alone in the game of “What the Hell Am I Doing with My Life?” and honestly, that’s okay. I’m lying, it’s not. It’s actually really annoying. I was on Twitter earlier this morning saying how I would love to have a mentor and just someone to point me in the right direction, and then almost immediately, I tweeted that my moment of weakness was over, and that I would now be returning back to work. What work? I don’t have a fucking job. I am 20years old, I am unemployed, I am a starving artist, and I’m slightly depressed. And guess what, that is okay because this won’t always be my life, I’m looking for a job, and I’m perfecting my craft. But why couldn’t I admit that? I made myself cringe. Every day is a new day, and these days, it seems like a new day for me to fail. So am I looking for a handout? Absolutely not. I have friends in high places, people who know people who know bigger people, but I don’t need their handouts. I can make a way for myself, but sometimes, I just need a little advice. I’m a talker. I like to converse about life with people and see their take on it. See how they’re fairing with the unbalances of our world and see if there’s an approach I haven’t tried yet. I don’t need anyone to pick me up, trust me, I’ve seen the floor more than anyone I know, and here the fuck I am, but what I do need is to know that I’m not alone. That someone understand me. But for some reason, I find myself surrounded by people who seem to have their shit figured out and they all just want to tell me their success stories, or some don’t talk at all. Perhaps this is God telling me not to fret, that I will be where I should be one day, but I can’t help but think of ways that I can help myself, promote myself, DO something with myself. I came to school today to speak with the career advisor and get a bit of, well…advice (maybe I’m kind of needy) about my lovely little life and lo and behold, the office was closed. SLS was using it to have presentations. About what, you kindly ask? CAREERS. You’re funny, God. Was that You? Are You trying to say something to me? If so, I don’t get it. Anyhow, now I’m here writing about this. Look, I’m not afraid to fail in life. I’m lying again. Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m afraid to fail in life. The thing is though, I have no problem trying. I have no issue getting rejected and having to get back up, all I need is a chance. All I need is a clue. I know I have to figure these things out on my own, but…can’t someone just help me? Perhaps I’m asking too much. I won’t beg, I’m not a beggar. I don’t need you people. Joking. I know my life will go up from here. But when I see someone my exact age with a manager to book them jobs, a weekly club hosting appearance, an online clothing store, and a budding modeling gig, all I can ask myself is, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET THERE?” I will be great one day, and my impatience doesn’t allow me to accept the life I’m living right now because I know that I can be better, so I must be better. I’m just not sure what’s holding me back. Is it me?

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