Music is infectious. I happen to suffer from manic depression (maybe, not really), and I find myself down a lot. I often sit alone and instead of thinking happy, positive thoughts, I think about all the terrible things that could happen, will happen, might happen, or have a chance of happening. I do this thing where I wallow in my darkness and let it swallow me whole. Today my mother said that she thinks of simple things of what she’s going to do to her hair and what she’ll cook for dinner. I had to laugh because I wish my life could be that easy, breezy, let my thoughts swing from happy branches to sweet leaves…falling to the floor never to be seen again. Except, my thoughts are roots. They grow into trunks that then grow into enormous trees of…bitterness. Money, jobs, career, the future, love, money, jobs, school, love, money, the future, me, what the entire fuck am I doing with my life? I’m tired of questioning it. So I go on Pandora, God bless Pandora, and zone out. I drown in my music, let it sweep away my thoughts, and then allow myself to be swept away. Music is therapeutic, it’s…nostalgic in the best and worst way, it’s smooth and eases my pain. It’s music.
“I taste devil’s tears…drink from his soul, but I’ll never give up you…I’ll taste devils tears…drink from his soul but I’ll never give up you…”
These artists and creators speak to me, I feel their soul, and one day, they’ll feel mine. Their voices reek and of the pain consuming me and the thought of me no longer being alone in that moment, in that tepid black hole, is comforting. Instead of pulling me in, it pulls me out and it brings out my talents. It makes me want to write, want to explore, want to invent. It makes me want to become better, it allows my mind to travel and soar in a way that if I wasn’t under the spell of my music, I’d be…miserable. Afraid. Music makes me feel high. So high that when I’m not on it, with, in it…I feel sober. That’s what I wanted to say earlier…that when I’m sober, I feel like I’m one of the biggest downers of all time.
Sunny bird, so I jump right in…I felt the cold sea kiss my skin. I turned around and you were gone, and I’m thinking of you…thinking of you.”
Music, I love you. Will you marry me? You won’t leave me will you? Where there’s a shortage of resources, there isn’t a shortage of music. Where one person fails me, betrays me, leaves me, music picks me back up and lets me believe in true love again. The words reverberate in my headphones, resonate in my rainbow colored brain, and makes their way to my heart. Music gives me hope. It lets me breathe, where out here in this cold world, it seems as though oxygen is limited. Music, I love you…will you stay with me forever? I trust you.
“Oh no, what’s this? A spider web and I’m caught in the middle. So I turned to run. The thought of all the stupid things I’ve done. And I never meant to cause you trouble…I never meant to do you wrong.”
Music has the key to my soul in a way that no one else ever will. It holds my darkest secrets and never dares to judge, ridicule…or leave at the slightest hint of me being “too much.” Music is…