Immediately, every homeless person I’ve ever encountered flooded my brain as I asked myself this question. For some reason, I always come across them and end up listening to their life story of how they ended up where they are. Each time, I was told that I have a kind soul, a warm heart, and that God will bless me. It’s very easy to list the nice things you do for people, but is it just as easy to admit the ways you’ve been wrong? I’d like to switch this up a bit. Instead of the nicest thing I’ve ever done, I’d like to discuss the worst thing I’ve ever done. Out of fear of confrontation and hurting the feelings of others, I lie.
“Farrah, am I failure in life?” says the 40 year old man who abuses his family, can’t keep a job, and hustles money from his family.
“Of course not. You’re still living. You’ve made a few mistakes, but who hasn’t?”
My reasoning is this: I make a fuckton of mistakes every day that I able to breathe and exist. I don’t like to judge others on the things that they do. Sure, I’m probably judging you in my head, as most of us do, but my heart won’t allow it to fully process. The worst thing I do to the people I love is lie. I comfort instead of push in the right direction. I coddle instead of distribute the toughest love which most people equate to real love. Is it, though? I think so. You should want the best for the people around you. Help them in any way possible, no matter how they feel about it. The worst thing I do to the people I love is tolerate mediocrity and understand the bullshit. When my friends are brutally honest with me and don’t tell me exactly what I’d like to hear, I don’t quite understand it. I become combative and defensive and deem them to be misunderstanding of my being. When in actuality, they are fully knowledgeable of who I am. That’s why they tell me the truth. In time, I’ve learned that you can’t just tell someone who is an alcoholic that they can have a drink today because they’ve had a bad day, simply to avoid confrontation. Simply to avoid the anger that comes along with truth-telling. You have to think ahead, see who they can become, and help them see that vision as well. I’m not a bad person, but I’ve been bad to my friends. I’ve betrayed their trust, and for that I am extremely apologetic. I sometimes think that I’m unworthy of them, but that’s just me being too hard on myself. This year, I vowed to change the way I am with those around me. I want to be better to, and for, them. And I will. The worst thing I’ve ever done was deny my loved ones the truth they deserve, selfishly avoiding the uncomfortable sensation that I feel when the brutal truth slips out of my mouth.